From Gummy Bear to Sweet Baby

Happy Birthday, Sweet Child of Mine!

2011-12-28T07:48:00.000-05:00

Update.

2011-06-27T23:00:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it's been over 2 months since my last post! Wow!

Tomorrow, Dylan would've turned 2 and a half. That's hard to believe too!

In grief, there are sections of time that seem to stand still. While as a whole, time flies by.

I am doing great! Glory to God! The Israel trip has brought blessing upon blessing. It is truly God's chosen land, and His Word is true. He says that He'll bless those who bless Israel, and curse those who curse it.

I am absolutely LOVING it at the new salon! God is bringing new clients, new friends, in abundance. I'm grateful for the loyalty from the longstanding clients too!

I've begun a beginning nursing course and am HOOKED! There is a special volunteer project in the works right now. I've offered to visit expecting moms on bedrest in the antepartum unit, to provide haircuts and nail maintenance to those making the ultimate sacrifice. I'm excited to see what God has in store for me in this area!

There aren't any trips currently planned. Though, I am anxious to get one on the calendar!

I have plans to move out on my own next month. Besides being married before, this will be the 1st time I've ventured out solo. I am ecstatic! Praying for open doors & discernment in this department.

I am still waiting on God to bring the godly relationship into my life. I am finding satisfaction and fulfillment without it, but it is certainly still an unfulfilled desire. But I trust(though not always easy) God with my future.
He is so faithful, and so good, and so true.

That's my life in a nutshell.

I still think of, and miss Dylan. The thoughts don't come as often as in the past, but when they come, they are just as vivid as 2 and a half years ago.

I so appreciate all of your love, support, and prayers...Im in awe that there are even followers still reading this. Thank you. :)

Home Sweet Home

2011-04-17T16:25:00.005-04:00

Home Sweet Home.

And I'm not implying it feels good to be back in the States.

I had the most incredible, indescribable, time of my life while in Israel!

I may reside in the United States, but surely, my home is in Israel. I've been back for 2 weeks, but it feels much longer than that. My heart is yearning to return. To be honest, it was very difficult to get on that plane bound back for the states.

There are so many stories, blessings, "burning bush" experiences, that I won't be able to list them all in just one post.

Until I am able to go into more detail, I will leave you with a few pictures. God is so, so good!

Reflections. 27 Months Out.

2011-03-20T19:12:00.003-04:00

Sit back, relax, and get comfy. This will be a long post.

It's been awhile.

It feels good to be back at this keyboard. I have a lot to say tonight, and that's because God has had His Hand in many facets of my life recently. In fact, He's always been there. I just didn't always realize it of course.

Fighting the good fight of faith isn't always pretty. I wholeheartedly believe that we do each other a disservice by putting up those glass walls, and giving our neighbors the illusion that our lives are "perfect". Insert cheesy, bleached out, mouth full of veneers smile, and you have yourself a Christ follower, right?

Sometimes, following Christ requires all that we have in us. Sometimes, it's us doing all we can do just to get out of bed in the morning because we have been running, and running, and running some more, from the hurts, the deep wounds, the sting of the pains from our pasts.

Sometimes it's laying in the fetal position, alone, soaked in the day's tears, with our face to the ground, arms reached out, mustering up the strength to cry out "Savior, come quickly!".

We're not called to stay in these valleys, I know. But sometimes we're called to walk through the valleys in order to reveal more of God's Glory at the next mountain top. But, that doesn't take away from the very real, raw, depth of the valleys that do exist.

I've been running.

Running from the very real, very painful, emotions attached to the circumstances, or valleys, that I've walked through these past 27 months. I was under the impression that I could "deal" with my losses, and move on. Be happy. Put on my cheesy, bleached out smile, and represent Christ well. Not the case. That's not what grief looks like. In fact, that's not what life looks like.

There are no guarantees in this life, but One. And His Name is Jesus. In my hurt, He is there. In my loss, He is there. In my loneliness, He is there. In my disappointment, He is there. In my joy, He is there. In my successes, He is there. In my past, He was there. In my present, He is here. And, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, He'll be in my future too.

Before these most recent valleys in my life, I believed that if I did the "right" things, prayed hard enough, believed hard enough, my pain would go away. In search of answers, hanging on to the very last shred of hope in me, I called out to God.

Here's what I discovered. Our trials, our pain, our temporary hurts serve a very real purpose. They make us homesick. Let me explain.

This world is not all there is. This is not how life was intended to be for us. There is a void in our hearts that can only be filled by the One and Only. When you've been brought to your knees in complete surrender, knowing that Christ will return and make all things new is the only hope that causes you to stand back up, and keep on fighting another day. For those of you who have mustered up the courage to walk through the valley, hand in hand with our Savior, allowing His grace and mercy to wash over you, you know what I'm talking about.

Christ died a very real, a very painful, sacrificial, death. And, He did it for you and me. The pain is real. The hurt is real. He knows that all too well, in fact. But He calls us to persevere. That perseverance isn't always pretty.

But as surely as the sun will rise, He'll be there.

I'm not sure who this message is for, but I'm hoping you're hearing it.

Our God is a God Who saves. There is no valley too deep for Him to reach down and save us. In fact, He is quite experienced in the redemption department.

God is good. Even when there's nothing good in me.

God is faithful. Even when I'm in the valley.

God is working on my behalf. Even when I stand in utter darkness.

God is love. Even when there's nothing lovable about me.

You see, it's not about me. It's all about Him. What will bring Him the most glory? He had to give up His very own Son to redeem you and I. Who am I that He would be mindful of me? And, who am I to stand in His way. Have Your Way in me, Lord. Even if it's time spent in the valley.

Tomorrow I leave for Israel. I have no expectations. All I am expecting is to stand in awe of the Lover of my soul. To see where He stood as a Man. To visit His Holy Land. Beyond that, is up to Him.

I would covet your prayers for protection, annointing, and an outpouring of His grace.

I pray that all of our hearts are turning towards the Divine Heart Surgeon tonight.

In all of our imperfections, in all of our hurts, in all of our longings, may we be willing to allow Him to have His way in us.

Blessings to each and every one of you!

I'll be in touch!

Nicole

Life on the Wild Side.

2011-01-30T16:10:00.002-05:00

There are doors that God has slammed shut for 2010, and others He's flung open in 2011.

I love to travel. It was my initial goal to use my passport every year that it's active. The first year it was used in Mexico. Last year it was used to travel to the far away mountains of Guatemala. This year...

I have planned to make use of my passport while traveling to ISRAEL! The plane departs in about 7 weeks! The weather will be upper 60's. We, all 65 of us that is, will be staying at 5 star hotels, and will be guided by top of the line tour guides! I'll be gone for 10 days! I am so excited to travel where Jesus walked and talked!

And most recently, God has opened the door for a new salon for me to work at! I'll begin there in 1 week! It's a gorgeous facility, with top of line education, and super friendly staff! In fact, it's a salon that I've always longed to work at, but never thought existed in my area. I thought I'd have to live in NY or LA, to work at this top quality of a salon. God has been so good to me!

My apologies for the slacking in the blog department. I am working 50+ hours a week, going back to school, and still trying to maintain a balance with the social life. I can't say that I have it down to an art yet either. Life is busy, busy! Though it would be just as busy chasing after a 2 yr old too, I'd imagine.

But as far as the grief goes, it's still there. More in the background, though. I can honestly say that I feel like a working, single girl now. I don't really "feel" like a grieving mom or an ex wife. I am thankful for the detachment from those "labels". Though, being a mom and a wife are both something I long for. But I am trusting God's perfect plan, and perfect timing for each.

So there you have it. My life in a nutshell.

2010 was a blast! And, I'm looking forward to the adventures that await me in 2011!

Hoping you are anticipating a blessed 2011 as well!

Love,
Nicole

2 Years.

2010-12-28T06:49:00.001-05:00

Dearest Dylan,

Happy Birthday!

Two years have gone much too fast. It seems like just yesterday when I last held you in my arms. I still remember your sweet scent, and calming coos. Hearing your voice meant everything was going well. You were alive. You existed. And, you filled my heart until it was overflowing with pure love.

I am honored to have known you for those 9 months. You already had developed quite the personality in that short period of time.

You were strong, fighting against all odds.

You were social, reacting to different people's voices.

You were stubborn. Every time your dad went to feel you move inside my tummy, you'd stop...until you finally succumbed or "behaved" on Christmas Eve.

You were advanced for your condition, sucking my finger even though doctors didn't think you could use those muscles.

You were particular. You didn't appreciate the flash from cameras, and didn't enjoy having your clothes changed.

You were patient. Fighting until the end, allowing all your closest family and friends to hear your sweet voice and rub your precious cheeks.

You were brave. You took your last breath in mommy's arms.

I can't wait to see you again. I will always remember you. You will always be my firstborn son. Happy 2nd Birthday!

Love,
Mom

Dylan from Nicole Bronson on Vimeo.

Transition.

2010-11-27T21:23:00.003-05:00

Hi! Remember me?

I'm still in existence, for those of you that have inquired. (And thank you for that!)

In all honesty, my summer and fall seasons were amazing. They were amazing for my grief, my relationships, my outlook on life, and all that lies in between. And, now comes winter.

In every aspect of the word, I am feeling winter. Holidays, family gatherings, and the month of December...all seem to, without hesitation, remind me of all that I had, but have lost. My own house, a husband, a son...all have been lost. All that I ever wanted was at my finger tips. So close, but not fully experienced. At least, not the way that I had hoped.

Granted, I have much to be thankful for. My health, friends, family, great jobs, opportunities to go back to school, freedom, and I certainly haven't forgotten about my salvation.

But there are still rather large holes in my life.

And, this time of year seems to bring those holes to the forefront of my mind.

I'm a single girl, going back to school, living with 3 roommates, and have a wide open life to live ahead of me. Yet, I'm also a mom. And, I've also experienced married life. And, now I have to find a path that acknowledges both. The month of December seems to be paralyzing to me...at least it has for the past 2 years now. And, tragically, I used to love the holidays.

As I put one foot in front of the other, God increases my hope. It is my heart's deepest desire to be a wife again. To be a mom again. And I'm believing God when He says that those who fear Him, will lack no good thing. I believe a husband and a family are good things. Although they have been temporarily taken from me, I will believe God for what He says.

I can't believe what would have been Dylan's 2nd birthday is already fast approaching. Time flies, yet stands completely still when grieving. There were points when weeks, and months went by without shedding a tear for my son. Then...a holiday passes, or an incident brings him back to mind. And he's missed. Deeply, desperately, missed.

I am so thankful that I was able to hold him, hear him, kiss him, and love him.

It is my prayer, for all of us that are missing their loved ones this holiday season, to feel a peace, a love, a comfort, and even a joy that would pass all human understanding. That we would feel His Presence, hear His Voice, and accept His Love.

Blessings to you this holiday season.

"Open the gates to all who are righteous;
allow the faithful to enter.
You will keep in perfect peace
all who trust in you,
all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
Trust in the Lord always,
for the Lord God is the eternal Rock."

Isaiah 26:2-4

Living & Loving Life

2010-09-05T09:34:00.010-04:00

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy".
Psalm 126:5

My absence this summer is owed to several reasons. The main reason being that since my travels to Guatemala, I have come to fully appreciate the beauty of being unattached to modern day electronics, and reach the point of submersion in face to face, heart to heart, relationships with real, live people, not a computer or a blackberry. With that said, I do still maintain an appreciation for such electronics. I just chose to take a breather from them for a little bit this summer. With that said, on to revealing God's Glory!

Fall. It's my all time favorite season. I thoroughly enjoy the cooler, crisp air. The vibrant colors of the leaves, and the aroma of hot apple cider, illuminate my senses, and put an extra spring in my step. I cannot possibly express just how grateful I am for all that God has led me through. For all that He has opened my eyes to. And, for all that He has fully redeemed, and brought healing to. This change of seasons, heightens my awareness to Him all the more.

The opportunities He's given me? Amazing! I am so grateful! Just this summer alone, I've jumped 10,000 feet out of the air.

Traveled to a faraway Third World country.

Definitely had my fix of some of the cutest babies ever.

Was able to see & share amazing quality time with the friends God has blessed my life with.

Ran, well I stopped twice, IF I am to be honest ;), my first 5K.

Do I think one has to jump out of an airplane or visit a school in a 3rd World country in order to feel God's love, and experience His full redemption? Absolutely not! His love, His grace is available to every single one of us, right where we're at! I am just in awe at what He does, when we fully surrender our hearts, and our minds to Him! He is so good!

All the hurt, all the pain, all the sorrow of my past has been healed! And, all the Glory goes to Him! And Him alone! It certainly wasn't easy, in all of my humanness, to let go of my plans, and hand it all over to Him. There were definitely nights I cried myself to sleep. And days that I focused on my past, instead of my future. But His grace was sufficient. His love endured. And, He guided, admittedly sometimes He had to shove, me forward.

I realize this post is all over the place, in the most A.D.D. of fashions. However, I want to share just how amazing God is, and all that He's done for me, a lowly sinner. If He's done, and still doing, it for me, He most certainly will do it for you too!

I encourage you today, no matter where you're at, to thank Him for all that He's done for you. Thank Him for the good and for the bad. For the joy, and for the sorrow. He IS alive, and IS moving on our behalf, even TODAY! Isn't that awesome?! This is a girl who lost her son and a husband, and experienced what the world would call devastation. But...God is good. All the time. The tears that were sown, He has turned into songs of joy. And I can't possibly thank Him enough.

And quite honestly, I wouldn't want to be the same girl I was two years ago. God has opened my eyes, and softened my heart in ways that wouldn't have been possible had I not experienced the trials that forced me to fully depend on Him alone. His ways are always higher than mine. I am just thankful to be experiencing a harvest of joy right now.

Wishing you and your family a blessed and joyful fall season!

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Gal 6:9

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."
Heb 12:11

In an Instant.

2010-07-15T14:00:00.003-04:00

In all honesty, I have been doing fantastic lately, and haven't felt the need to post. That, and there hasn't been much time to post either.

I was actually feeling like someone who hadn't ever had a baby before. Like someone who has never experienced heartache, loss, or disappointment.

It's been over 18 months since I've last held my own baby, and honestly, random thoughts of Dylan had not crossed my mind in a long time. And that fact alone was actually not unsettling to me. I was okay with all of that.

And, in an instant it can all change.

Maybe it was the 15 week fetus that was handed to me in a gladware container this week. Or maybe it's just been too long of a time period without feeling my loss.

But in an instant, it all changed.

I would give almost anything to be holding Dylan right now. To hear his voice. To kiss his cheek. To touch his toes.

I only knew him for 9 months. I only saw him for 7 hours. But I was instantly in love. And that kind of love, when embraced, doesn't fade over time.

There.

I feel better now.

Now, off to the life of attending classes, taking exams, and not settling for anything less than an A.

Grand Finale.

2010-06-21T22:59:00.009-04:00

And, now for the grand finale of stories from Guatemala. Well...there are actually two stories, both with similar themes, however.

Remember when I went to school to be an ultrasound technician? Well I did, but didn't get in the first go around due to a waiting list. Then I got pregnant.

Over the last 6-9 months, I've also had the chance to work with a doctor in the office I work at on several occasions, as he was doing ultrasounds. I've sat in on probably 15 scans or so. Helping the doctor enter information in the computer, changing the draperies, etc.

All of those experiences, apparently were leading up to this:

All of us that have worked/are working in the health care field were allowed to work at the Women and Children's clinic located on the missionary base. The current physician that is stationed there has a background in family practice. He heard that I work at an OB-GYN office and said, "Here. Have a try at it. You probably know more than I do." He had taught himself on the ultrasound machine. Their main concern is whether or not the baby is breech. If so, they want the patients to head to the hospital after the onset of labor(most moms deliver at home otherwise).

And, of course the families' main concern is whether or not the baby is a boy or girl.

I was able to determine gender and position, by the way. And, had a blast doing so!

In between several patients, it "somehow" came up in conversation that the doctor and his wife lost their baby just 2 months ago. His wife was only 6 months pregnant, and lost the baby due to placenta previa. We exchanged stories, and sympathy. He said it best, "I don't know how someone could survive this without God". Well said, Doctor.

Later on that week, we all visited the local hospital. We split up into 3 groups all visiting different "wards". At the last minute I was added on to the group visiting the OB ward. I ran to catch up with the group.

We entered the first room, all the way in the back corner. It was a new mom, and her mother. The new mom had a special glow, err...peace about her.

The translator explained that the mom had had a c-section just the day before. Her baby had died...

I can't even explain my next move. Without any hesitation, I walked right up to the mom, touched her hand, and began praying, as the translator interpreted. I was given the honor to beg for mercy, peace, and comfort from our gracious Father, as only another grieving mom could. She was incredibly grateful for our visit, and I am blessed to have met her.

We also visited other moms. But, I will never forget her.

It was an amazing trip, and I already miss the people of Guatemala.

God is so good.

Mya

2010-06-20T17:44:00.008-04:00

Many of you may remember Mya:

She is a German Shepherd that we had gotten as a puppy. Mya holds a special place in my heart. After Dylan's birth, Mya was a source for me to cuddle, cradle, and love on, when my arms would have otherwise been empty.

I haven't seen Miss Mya in many months, as I allowed her to stay with her dad. I miss her dearly. So you can imagine the amazement, wonder, and gratitude I felt to the Lover of my soul when I walked up to the missionary base in Guatemala for the first time, and came upon these cuties:

Two German Shepherds named Daisy and Duke. They live on the missionary base.

I was especially fond of Daisy.

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul."
Psalm 31:7

Mud. Muck. And the Like.

2010-06-16T10:23:00.007-04:00

I've had the pleasure of literally digging Guatemalans out of their homes.

It is DEFINITELY more blessed to give, rather than receive. Most definitely.

We returned from the 20 min hike from the house pictured above back to the base site for lunch. I looked up from where I was sitting, and the local Guatemalan man's shirt caught my eye. The shirt was bright yellow picturing a capital "D" enclosed within a circle. Below it: "Dylan". I'm not aware of any t-shirt brands named Dylan. But I DO know that my God put me on the side of a faraway mountain in Guatemala, and used an innocent bystander to let me know that my Dylan has not been forgotten.

And, no, that is not the end of my stories. :)

“As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him".

Psalm 103:13

Guatemala

2010-06-13T20:15:00.004-04:00

I'm home!

Thank you so much for all of your prayers and well wishes!

I arrived home just past 12 AM this morning. The trip was amazing! A whole week with just me and God. No cell phone. No email. No distractions. I am honored to have been a part of something so big, so beyond myself. I am so grateful for the intimate and specific ways God revealed Himself to me this past week, all just short of an audible voice coming from a burning bush. ;) More on that later...

"Yet if you devote your heart to him
and stretch out your hands to him,

if you put away the sin that is in your hand
and allow no evil to dwell in your tent,

then you will lift up your face without shame;
you will stand firm and without fear.

You will surely forget your trouble,
recalling it only as waters gone by."

Job 11:16

In the News.

2010-06-04T10:30:00.009-04:00

This time tomorrow morning I will be walking through the airport of Guatemala City.

Guatemala has made the headlines this past week (All the pictures have been taken just this week):

"A woman sweeps ash off a street in Guatemala City May 28, 2010. Guatemala's Pacaya volcano belched columns of black ash on Friday, a day after a powerful eruption killed at least one person, forced hundreds of families to evacuate and shut the international airport. The volcano, 25 miles (40 km) south of Guatemala City, erupted on Thursday, raining thick ash and small rocks on the capital, coating the streets in a layer of gritty black sand. Store owners and residents hosed down their driveways and shoveled heaps of ash and rubble off rooftops and sidewalks."
-REUTERS AlertNet

Tropical Storm Agatha then caused torrential downpours and flooding, closing the main airport.(We have word that it is now open.)

The floods have caused the highways to collapse, forming sink holes.

The landslides forced many to evacuate their homes, and the residents are currently staying in shelters.

And, some have lost their very lives.

The Guatemalans are in mourning. And, my heart is breaking.

Lord, hear the cry of Your people.

I don't believe in "coincidences". Use me, Jesus. I know You want me there.

As we prepare to leave the comforts of our spoiled, over-indulgent, life as we know it, I would absolutely covet your prayers.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18

Leap of Faith

2010-06-01T21:08:00.014-04:00

Out of these ashes, beauty will rise.

There is beauty in friendship.

Hang on to God's Truths, not your circumstances. Receive His Harness of protection.

No matter what the world is telling you, you can trust Him. And, even enjoy the waiting...

Even when the circumstances are frightening.

You can have hope. And peace. And joy.

All you have to do is reach out to Him. He'll never let you go.

The rest is smooth sailing, under His Wings.

And when the storm has passed, you'll be standing on solid ground.

And will hear the words: "Well done, good and faithful, servant!"

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

1 Peter 1:6-7

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

2010-05-23T18:32:00.004-04:00

Did you miss me? My life/schedule has been a complete whirlwind lately. I've thought about sitting down to write a post, but quite honestly didn't have a topic, or the time to do so.

I hadn't realized how much I missed all of you! ;)

As for an update. Hmmm...where shall I begin.

God is moving, and in big ways right now. In less than 2 weeks from now, I and 14 others will be serving in Guatemala. We've had our 6 hour team training day including, but not limited to: holding hands while blind folded, all the while walking on rocks, climbing hills, jogging, and dodging branches. Talk about team bonding.

Stories were shared from the team members that had gone on the trip last year. Stories of visiting single moms who had been raped, and left alone to care for the babies. Stories of large families living in huts with an open fire in the middle of the hut. We've been forewarned that we'll be individually called on to share our testimonies. Only one other team member knows my personal story. I don't know how or when my time will come on the trip to share, but I know it will be life changing. I'm already praying for that family that God will put on my path. I'm praying for the clarity of thought and speech, and for God's unending love and mercy to be obvious to all that we're in contact with.

I would covet your prayers over these next few weeks for protection and safe keeping of all team members, and most of all that we would answer whatever God calls us to do while there. I will post entries from the trip once I return.

Between the Guatemala trip, starting school again, working 6 days a week, and keeping up with friends, life is busy. I know it will most likely be this way for the next 3 years or so, and I'm definitely grateful for all the opportunities, but I'm also looking forward to the time when life slows down a bit. I am so excited for a whole week of getting back to the basics of life...loving on people. Laying down all selfishness, hectic schedules, the woes of everyday life and serving others. I can't wait!

I have one more post in mind before I leave for Guatemala. Stay tuned...

Blessings!

"If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry out and not be answered."

Proverbs 21:13

Joy that's Unspeakable. And, I like it.

2010-05-05T09:52:00.002-04:00

Joy that's Unspeakable. And, I like it.

It is crazy, crazy busy right now. And, I love it. This is going to be one jam packed summer! We are in the final preparations for the missions trip to Guatemala. We hosted a pancake breakfast last Saturday at a local chain restaurant. It was my first time ever acting as a waitress. Not to brag, but several of my tables said if any of my present jobs didn't pan out, I was a good server. Ha! I don't know about that, but I do know it was super fun! It was neat to see the behind the scenes action of what goes on in one of my favorite restaurants. We have one last team training day, prayer for the team at one of the church services, and then we're off! I am ecstatic!

Ten days after I arrive back from Guatemala, I will begin classes again! I am excited for the challenge!

There's another big adventure coming up in the near future, but I think I'll hold off on commenting on that for now. I'll just show the pictures after the fact. ;)

God's moving in big ways right now. I am so thankful that His mercy and grace are new every morning!

Hoping you feel His sweet embrace today!

I am heading out now to visit a local tourist attraction for the first time, with one of my favorite people...

Blessings!

"With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation".
Isaiah 12:3

When Life Gives You Lemons...

2010-04-25T20:11:00.010-04:00

When Life Gives You Lemons...

Make Lemonade...

Or Make New Friends

Or Visit Old Friends

Or Go Sightseeing

Or Give First Haircuts

Whatever you do...Keep your chin up.

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

Isaiah 43:19

:)

2010-04-21T12:25:00.006-04:00

:)

My apologies for the lacking of creativity with the title of this post. I have been doing a lot of :) lately though, so it is fitting. See? :D

Funny how God works sometimes, isn't it?

If we as believers, are willing to take the time to soberly, purposefully, and lovingly work through our many different trials, struggles, and challenges with God's help and grace and forgiveness, it is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G the things He can do with our hearts! And with our lives! And with our situations! Don't underestimate what I am proposing. It's certainly no easy task, and certainly not achievable with hardened hearts. BUT it is possible to be out of the deep, dark valley and step out into the sun with a soft, forgiving, heart after God.

And, I'm so thankful that I made the commitment to do so, so long ago.

He has walked me, and at times, carried me through some pretty tough stuff. I think the reason sometimes God allows us to be in such turmoil is to give us a basis to live from. So, if there is ever a temptation to repeat our mistakes in the future, we most certainly will be reminded what we've been restored to, and also from. He can say "Child, remember when...", and we would reply, "Oh yes, Father, how could I forget!" He is incredible. I just adore Him!

I held onto His truths. I believed Him for the things He said He would do. And, He has never let me down.

I never thought it possible to be this happy. The joy, the contentment, the peace, the hope, has never been as great as it is today! All the glory to you, Father!

So, I'm urging you to keep on fighting the good fight! There is an end to our trouble! Trust Him.

Blessings to you! :)

A picture post coming soon...

As a side note, I wanted all of you who commented on the last post to know you've been prayed for! I would love to hear how your requests were answered!

What Goes Around, Comes Around.

2010-04-11T20:31:00.003-04:00

What Goes Around, Comes Around.

Little known fact about me: For the past fifteen and a half months, I have been trying to find THE verse that would be considered "Dylan's Verse". I had been searching on and off for one that would either line up with his birth date, his name (James), or anything else that would jump out at me. Couldn't find it, until today.

Let me rewind for a bit. I have the urging to thank you from the bottom of my heart for any extra prayers you said for me last week. Or any other means (and there were some), that you went out of your way to show me that I was loved. Thank You. Last week turned out splendidly. And, I know much of that is owed to you, blog readers, friends, and cherished family members.

The Bible says that a man(or woman) will reap what he sows(Gal 6:7).

And, for those of you that have sown into my life, I want to do the same for you this week. So, whether you've been cheering me on, or rooting for my downfall, I love you just the same. Let your prayer request(s) be known, and I will be honored to pray for you, this week.

And Dylan's verse? Ah, yes. It was read at tonight's service: Deuteronomy 28.
It's not just one verse, but all of Deuteronomy 28.

If, after reading the following, you find that you're in need of any of the blessings listed, all you have to do is ask. If you'd rather not have your comment publicized, just say so in your comment, and I will moderate. I will still pray for you, but not publicly post your comment. So read on, and BE BLESSED!

Thank you for loving me. I am honored to love you in return.

Blessings to you this upcoming week!

"1 If you fully obey the LORD your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. 2 All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God:

3 You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country.

4 The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks.

5 Your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed.

6 You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out.

7 The LORD will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven.

8 The LORD will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to. The LORD your God will bless you in the land he is giving you.

9 The LORD will establish you as his holy people, as he promised you on oath, if you keep the commands of the LORD your God and walk in his ways. 10 Then all the peoples on earth will see that you are called by the name of the LORD, and they will fear you. 11 The LORD will grant you abundant prosperity—in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground—in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.

12 The LORD will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none. 13 The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom. 14 Do not turn aside from any of the commands I give you today, to the right or to the left, following other gods and serving them."
Deuteronomy 28:1-14

Lies.

2010-04-06T22:22:00.005-04:00

Lies.

I'll let you in on a little secret. On most occasions when there are extended periods of time in between my postings, the reason is usually a)I'm pre-occupied with a busy schedule or b)I'm being mentally bombarded by the devil, with my thoughts/emotions being clouded with lies.

And lately, it's been the latter of the two. And, I'm sick of it. This post may make you uneasy, but I'm exposing the devil's dark lies to the Light. Many of you may be ready to pounce me with criticism, but I want you to know, I'll shrug off your attacks and love you anyways.

I'm sick of the devil telling me my past will predict my future.

And, when that doesn't destroy me, he tries to tell me that I won't be fulfilled unless parts of my past remain.

And when that doesn't work, he tells me my past will hinder my future.

And when that doesn't work, he lays on the shame of my past.

And when that doesn't work, the deceiver tries to make me doubt God's promises.

And, I'm sick of it.

I believe I'm blessed, not condemned.

I believe God has, and will continue to redeem my past.

I believe God's best is yet to come.

I am trusting God with my past, my present, and my future.

Why?

Because He's enough. More than capable of handling it. All of it.

And, I'm taking Him for His Word.

I am believing in the things unseen, yet to come.

I want you to know that no matter what your circumstances are telling you, you are blessed.

When the doctor tells you it's cancer, there is hope.

When your child dies in your arms, there is hope.

When the banker tells you "foreclosed", there is hope.

When your husband's hands are around your neck, there is hope.

When insecurity is telling you you're not good enough, there is hope.

When your wife walks out on you, there is hope.

When you are persecuted without end, there is hope.

Why? Because Jesus has already won the victory over it all. There is no need to be in despair. God is in control. Some day soon, our tears will all be wiped away. Some day very soon.

Whew. There. That was a much needed self pep talk.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
1 Peter 1:6-7

You Know You're a Grieving Mom When v.3

2010-04-01T19:00:00.004-04:00

You Know You're a Grieving Mom When (v.3)

I have been doing fantastic lately! There are many, many things occupying my time right now, but a few of them have brought to my attention that indeed, I am still a grieving mom. A title that I don't think I'll forfeit until he's in my arms again.

There are many instances or situations that set grieving moms apart from the rest. These posts are to share some of the "normals" for me, that most people who have never lost a baby wouldn't ever think about. But trust me, they are "normal" for those of us who have.

You know you're a grieving mom when you find yourself in the most isolated parts of restaurants, exchanging stories of surviving the hell that immediately surrounds you at the time of your child's passing with other grieving moms. Instead of, you know, attending a MOPS session or a play date at the park.

You know you're a grieving mom when you take solitary walks around the cemetery on a nice spring day, instead of walking behind a stroller containing a toddler.

You know you're a grieving mom when you're sought out for advice on what to give as a memorial gift, instead of advice on how to get a child to sleep through the night.

You know you're a grieving mom when your periods are incredibly irregular due to increased prolactin levels, eh hmm, 14 MONTHS after the last time you even saw your child. Wow. Did I just type that on a publicized format? Yep. I guess I did.

Anyways, whether you've just recently lost a child or are many months out from the loss, you will find along your journey that certain circumstances set us moms apart from the rest.

The journey is long. It's as unpredictable as a whirling tornado, but in the end, we are still moms. And, that in and of itself is a blessing.

Clutter

2010-03-25T21:47:00.002-04:00

Clutter.

I am in the process of de-cluttering my life, literally and figuratively. My schedule is booked to the max, and I want to make room for the more important things first.

Relationships.

And, I'm not just talking about romantic ones. I'm talking about the getting down on your hands and knees, deep in the trenches, next to some pretty incredible, God-fearing people, and connecting. Really connecting. Connecting through the heartaches, the joys, the trials, and the celebrations, that this life has to offer.

God calls us to fellowship. With Him, and each other.

I'm enjoying this shedding-of-the-old-skin process that I find myself in. I could get used to this new me. I'm comfortable with Him, and with the people He's blessed me with. I'm making more time to enjoy the company.

A good spring cleaning, you could say.

"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin."
1 John 1:7

A 'Lil Bit Irish.

2010-03-17T13:33:00.003-04:00

A 'Lil Bit Irish.

Happy St. Patrick's Day Dylan!

Rest assured, Mommy would have dressed you in a festive green outfit today. But, you probably already knew that. We would have done fun projects centered around all things green and eaten green colored food. All in an effort to celebrate our heritage and help you to say g-g-green. After all, we are both a 'lil bit Irish.

Love,
Mom

Gilgal.

2010-03-14T12:18:00.006-04:00

Gilgal.

Gilgal means circle.

According to Beth Moore, "gilgal was a word that was used to describe a place where God brought the Israelites full circle and broke the old cycle. At Gilgal God cut away the sign of their unbelief, and they wore the mark of their new beginning. Often a wounding precedes our full reception of God's promises, but healing always follows."

The following seems to be a long post, but the ending is worth the wait, I promise.

Several things in my life have come full circle recently.

First, I was able to participate this week in offering up advice on how to reach out to newly grieving moms and families for a new branch of the MomsBloom organization, which I currently volunteer for.

Presently, it is an organization that sends out volunteers into the homes of families that have requested help adjusting to the new life of caring for a newborn.

MomsBloom wants to extend the services they offer, and also reach out to families who may be adjusting to a new life without their newborn. The organization wants to offer services for families grieving the loss of their baby due to miscarriage, still birth, or perinatal death. And, they asked for my input. I was honored to have been given the opportunity to use the experiences of my grief to help families who have found themselves in similar situations.

Secondly, I volunteered at a homeless shelter last night.

It has been recommended that those who plan on going overseas for missions, also reach out to those in need right here in their own hometown before the big trip to Guatemala.

The experience last night has left me more blessed, more on fire for God, than when I first signed up for Guatemala. I love those people.

Some of the guests last night had more manners than the perfectly healthy, well to do, fortunate patients that walk up to my desk everyday. Children of God who have no home, no job, and what society would tell them: no hope, had more manners and more joy than those more fortunate than they.

And, I loved every minute of serving them dinner.

How have parts of my life come full circle, you ask?

Well, allow me to explain.

You are reading the writing of a woman who was held back a year from starting pre-school because she was too shy.

You are reading the writing of a woman who now goes into the homes of strangers and shows them love. One who has found a desire and fulfillment in reaching out to strangers.

You are reading the writing of a woman who once was pregnant. Once was holding her living, breathing, cooing baby, but now visits his grave instead.

You are reading the writing of a woman who is now able to overcome the debilitating grief and help others instead of feeling sorry for herself.

Glory to God.

He is so good.

"...gilgal was a word that was used to describe a place where God brought the Israelites full circle and broke the old cycle. At Gilgal God cut away the sign of their unbelief, and they wore the mark of their new beginning. Often a wounding precedes our full reception of God's promises, but healing always follows."

What personal Gilgal has God brought you to?

"Then the LORD said to Joshua, "Today I have rolled away the reproach of Egypt from you." So the place has been called Gilgal to this day."

Joshua 5:9

"The angel of the LORD went up from Gilgal to Bokim and said, "I brought you up out of Egypt and led you into the land that I swore to give to your forefathers. I said, 'I will never break my covenant with you"

Judges 2:1

Entrance Exams.

2010-03-10T10:15:00.005-05:00

Entrance Exams.

"You have many strengths. You are very talented and creative with a thoughtful and serious nature. You can be very sensitive to others. You are perfectionistic, detail oriented, and thorough which makes you a very conscientious employee. You make friends very cautiously, but are a faithful and devoted listener.

When these characteristics are used in excess, they can become weaknesses. You have high standards and you may be difficult to please.

You like to be introduced to an area or subject. You enjoy learning and studying new things. With a little exposure and encouragement, you learn quickly and thoroughly. You see the general concept and understand the specific relevance without the trivia.

You live in the present, are cheerful and volunteer to help others. You like spontaneous activities and appreciate compliments.

When these characteristics are used in excess, they can become weaknesses. You may dominate conversations and become a compulsive talker. You might rather talk than work, making it difficult to complete tasks.

Strong characteristics: Extrovert, Adaptable to change, Concrete Thinker, Good memory for colors, Assertive"

I completed the entrance exams for nursing yesterday. (I passed with flying colors!!!) Upon completion of the grammar, math, vocabulary, and reading comprehension exams, I had to also partake in a personality and learning style profile. In a matter of 3 mins 47 secs, and 50 questions later, a computer, a mere machine was able to describe me almost exactly! The computer's analysis of me was quoted in the above paragraphs. My only disagreement is that I actually consider myself more of an introvert, rather than an extrovert. Sure, I share my whole life story publicly on a blog, but if I were to meet you out on the street, my words may be few at first. I tend to sit back and analyze before I decide to open up or not.

In conclusion, I just have to take the drug test( which, if there is ANY question in your mind, YES!!! I will pass it just fine! I just need to make it over to the testing center) and then I'm on the waiting list for nursing!!! I'm beginning to get excited now!

Here's to learning, adapting, loving, and LIVING!

"Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Matthew 19:26

Missing him.

2010-03-07T22:10:00.004-05:00

Wasn't he so cute?

Missing him today, like only his mama could.

Thank You Father, for the gift named Dylan.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

James 1:17

Wordless Weekend.

2010-02-28T20:22:00.003-05:00

Wordless Weekend.

"You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by."
Job 11:16

Do you see what I see?

2010-02-24T08:27:00.006-05:00

Do you see what I see?

Being a gal who thoroughly enjoys seeing God's Hand in her everyday life and everyday situations, you can imagine the thrill and excitement I experienced when witnessing four separate arcs of a rainbow like the one shown above! The piece of the rainbow shown above was actually number four of the four. Yes, I did take the picture while driving, I had to be sure that others would believe me!

Four rainbows in a mid-winter sky, in Michigan. Tiny glimpses of a rainbow, I should say. Almost like they were put there just for someone who would be looking for signs of God's love and faithfulness and fulfillment of His Promises. Four rainbows on four separate occasions, shown to a gal throughout a week surrounding one of the most challenging times of her life. God is so good!

The first day, I observed the arc on my way into work, and thought perhaps I was just "seeing things". That same day I saw another small piece of the rainbow on my way home from work. I lost it. They weren't these huge, full arches of rainbows, but only small glimmers. Glimmers of hope that the storm would pass.

Again, it was as if they were purposefully hung there in the most loving of ways, for a person who would be looking, searching for Him. Because He promises to come when we call, and God never breaks a promise. Never.

Four rainbows in one week. A week that proved to be the most trying of all. Go ahead, call me crazy. Crazy on Christ's account, I'd take that as a compliment.

Here's to seeing God's Mighty Hand in our lives. In the big ways and the small.

Still having trouble seeing it? Hint: the portion of the rainbow is located at the bottom of the picture, almost right in the center.

"Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."

Gen 9:16

Where's Rainbow?

2010-02-21T23:10:00.003-05:00

Where's Rainbow?

Can you spot the rainbow?

The story behind this photo coming soon...

"I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life."
Genesis 9:13-15

Spring Fever

2010-02-19T19:42:00.005-05:00

SPRING FEVER.

Man...

oh man...

am I fighting a fever...

a serious case of Spring Fever...

What are you doing to fight the Fever?

Health Nut

2010-02-16T21:01:00.004-05:00

HEALTH NUT

Anyone who knows me, outside of the blog world that is, knows that I define the persona of a picky eater. No exaggeration there, what-so-ever. I was a processed food junkie, surviving off of 100 calorie packs and caseloads of diet coke.

In the beginning of January our Pastor was preaching on the 6 Biblical principles of a spiritual life, summing up with the fact that our spirituality is linked to every other aspect of our life. It effects our minds, our souls, our emotions, our bodies, our words, our thoughts, and so on.

I visited a therapist for several sessions, immediately following Dylan's death. One of the things she recommended to me was to focus on a healthy diet. It helps even out the roller coaster of emotions that grief produces. She especially emphasized increasing my intake of flax seed. (It's awesome brain food, apparently!)

The first family I volunteered for was an extremely health conscious, organic, natural living family. I learned so much from that Mom!

I also wanted my future kids to be healthy eaters. And, I know the best way to lead them in that, was by example. I knew I had a long way to go personally, for that to happen.

Knowing that during high stress situations, it's important to maintain a healthy diet, exercise program, and of course a daily dose of Scripture, 6 weeks ago, I embarked on a new-food trying, testing of my gag reflex, all out health kick. And, it's lead me down a path that is nothing short of a miracle.

With God's Help, I've survived and thrived during some very trying circumstances, without any use of anti-depressants or sleeping aids. I am in the best physical and spiritual shape of my life.

While I fully believe in the power of medication, I also fully believe in using the least intervening of an approach as possible.

You're now talking to a steel cut oat, bell pepper, asparagus, banana, pea pod, cherry, melon, pineapple, mango, cucumber eating QUEEN. I started out with fruit smoothies and fruit leather to get me used to the natural sugar taste of fruits. I moved on to dried fruit, to aid in controlling my gag reflex with the texture of the whole raw fruit thing, and moved up to eating whole fruits! I add ground flax seed to everything I can, and drink lots of teas, especially the green ones. Boy, have I been missing out these past 26 years!

Now, don't get carried away here. I'm not sure that you'll EVER find me biting into an onion.

But, never before have I had this clear of skin or this toned of a body! I am getting greener by the minute! ;)

What have you done to get your kids to eat vegetables? (Yes, I am going to be trying recipes from the Deceptively Delicious Book.) Have any good smoothie recipes? Let's hear 'em! Even if they're tricks you use on your five year olds, let's hear 'em! Because let's be honest, that's right at my level.

Wishing you a healthy, blessed-beyond-belief week!

Nicole

"Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me live. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In Your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; You have put all my sins behind Your back."

Isaiah 38:16-17

"Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security."

Jeremiah 33:6

Love.

2010-02-11T20:32:00.006-05:00

Another chapter was closed in my book today.

I am sharing it with you because you have all been a part of this journey for the last 19 months.

Today, I was given a second chance to acquire a lifelong, Godly marriage. Today, I became legally single. A weight has been lifted, and I am at peace.

I made a mistake, and married a non-believer. Do I regret it? I can't even say that I do. I regret the outcome of the situation, but not the decision itself. I honestly loved Chad, and honestly believed that marrying him was the right thing to do, especially given our circumstances.

Before you express your condemnation, I challenge you to resist doing so. I do not condone divorce, not any aspect of it, in fact. However, one of the most amazing things about the all-powerful, all-knowing, freely forgiving, Creator of the Universe, is that He still allows us a freewill to make our own decisions. Do I believe that two God fearing people who entered a marriage should make every attempt to make it work? Absolutely. I still fully believe in, hope for, and pray for a lifelong marriage that involves two spiritually mature, God-centered, loving, people. And, I believe God will answer that prayer for me one day.

But, just as it was with Dylan, so it is with Chad. What the Devil intended for my destruction, God is using to strengthen me, and eh hmm...He is also teaching me a few things along the way. And for that, I am ever so grateful.

I believe I'm forgiven, not condemned. I believe I am blessed, and not cursed. I believe I am loved.

So, here's the story God has given me to share.

No matter your circumstances, no matter what someone does or says, to you or about you, no matter the trials or tribulations you may find yourself in...there is hope. And, with that hope, there is love. No. Matter. What.

I've looked back, and have reflected long enough to learn the hard lessons taught by an ever compassionate Father, but from here on out...I'm looking upward and onward. After all, looking back does no good for the Kingdom of God.

God already has amazing adventures in store for me these next few months, including but not limited to: A shopping trip to Chicago, an adventure through the faraway mountains of Guatemala, and last but certainly not least, a sky-diving escapade! I am so excited!

We all have our individual stories to share. Stories of death, betrayal, loss, struggle, or condemnation. All of our heartbreaks and all of our devastating circumstances reveal an ever present, redeeming Creator, Who is always healing, and always mending. And I can't wait until the day that we will join Him and each other forever and shed our very last tear.

I will end on that note. LOVE. It's a beautiful concept.

Happy Valentine's Day.

To Mr. Wynsma and his entire family: Thank you. Thank you for including me in your family, and for loving me these past 5 years. Thank you. You have my word that my former marriage will not be discussed on this blog ever again.

Blessings,
Nicole

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Cor 13:13

Perseverance.

2010-02-08T21:37:00.003-05:00

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Romans 5:3-5

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."
Hebrews 12:1

"Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:4

What has perseverance brought you?

Many, Many, Blessings,
Nicole

Calming the Storm

2010-01-31T13:32:00.002-05:00

This is gonna be a big week for me, marking the beginning of a big month for me.

I am in the middle of one of the biggest storms of my life right now, but I am calm, steady, and energized. Thank You Jesus for rebuking the storm, for standing in victory, for loving me, and for shielding me.

Would you please join me in prayer? At this time, I am praying for favor and blessing, for peace, for health, and that God will make His Presence known...in a BIG way, these next 28 days.

When the storm subsides, I will gladly share all the ways God IS blessing me, and the ways He WILL be blessing me this upcoming month. There are already so many to share.

Thank you.

Show us Your Glory, Father.

"For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."
Matthew 18:20

"my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior— from violent men you save me."
2 Samuel 22:3

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me."
Psalm 138:7

"For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."
Deuteronomy 20:4

In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Blessings to you and yours,
Nicole

Solid Rock.

2010-01-26T11:17:00.002-05:00

I can't hardly get through singing the lyrics of this song without welling up with tears, especially in the last paragraph.

I pray that the truth in these words fills you with hope today, and the days to come.

"In Christ alone my hope is found.
He is my light, my strength, my song.
This Cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace;
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease;
My Comforter, my All in All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe.
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied.
For every sin on Him was laid,
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay.
Light of the world by darkness slain.
Then bursting forth in glorious Day,
Up from the grave He rose again.
And as He stands in victory,
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me.
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand.
All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand.
All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me.
From life’s first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand.
‘Til He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand"

By Travis Cottrell

Grateful.

2010-01-21T20:32:00.003-05:00

If there's one word I have to describe this week, it would be grateful.

I have had some absolutely incredible God connections this week. What is that you say? Oh, well, I aim to please. Allow me to elaborate.

You know that new Beth Moore study I began two weeks ago? WELL, out of the approximately 115 seats to choose from, I unknowingly sat next to a Mom and Daughter. I found them to be a lovely pair of faith driven women. This week, it came out that the Mom had lost a son 3 years ago. If you're following, that would make the Daughter someone who had lost her brother. God was so physically present when that discovery was made, on only the second week of study. Whoa! Not to mention, the study itself is pretty amazing! Anyways, I was able to be a part of something BIG that night. And, I am still emotionally digesting those details.

Secondly, remember Rylan's Mom? Well, our meeting last week was postponed to this week instead. I have now met her. She's just a Gem. She has been through so much, and I admire her strength. Her pregnancy was completely normal, went into labor, arrived at the hospital only to find that Rylan no longer had a heartbeat. You can imagine the agony, the heartbreak. Would you please keep her in your prayers these next few days, or weeks, if you feel so inclined? (I am truly honored to have met you, Heather!)

Thirdly, I started with my newly assigned family this week. I am assigned a new family every 3 months, through the volunteer organization I've been working with since last September. I must admit that I was quite anxious to get another family. My very first one I was assigned to, was such a perfect fit. A God fit, actually. I learned so much from that Mom, I was rather pessimistic that I could be so perfectly matched with another family again. Boy, was I wrong. The second family is just as perfectly matched! (In differing ways of course.) So, I am super excited to continue to get to know them.

I am just so grateful for the direction my life seems to be taking. All the glory be to God for that. He really IS mighty to save, full of compassion, all-knowing, The Alpha, and The Omega. Can I get an AMEN?!

It is my prayer and desire that God is blessing your families, and your situations, too.

Thanks again for all your prayers and all your support!

Nicole

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

(No, I'm not the photographer of this picture. I just thought it was fitting.)

Leaving. On. A. Jet. Plane.

2010-01-17T21:09:00.006-05:00

The paperwork is turned in. The tetanus shot given. (Since when does the pain last 4 days!?!?!) And, the long skirts purchased.(For $4 each!!! I define the words bargain shopper!)

I am bursting at the seams with excitement to go to Guatemala!!!

We will be travelling to the mountainous region of Quiche. There, we'll be doing an array of construction projects, visiting a Women and Children's hospital, and handing out milk at a milk drive. Unbeknownst to me, Guatemala is apparently known for it's high fertility rate among it's citizens. The country has one of the lowest alcohol and substance abuse ratings, which is maybe what makes it such a fertile state??? Just a thought. Anyways, women will have child after child, but there's not enough food for them all to survive. There is a high infant mortality rate among the people. My arms are already aching to hold those surviving babies.

All the details are in place, and I am confidently pressing on with the preparations for this trip, knowing that this is what I'm supposed to do.

I thank God for His clarity and blessings on this next phase of my life.

There is much more to update, but I will limit myself to one topic for this post.

Wishing you a week full of insight, prosperity, and love,

Nicole

"I know that the LORD secures justice for the poor and upholds the cause of the needy."
Psalm 140:12

Availability

2010-01-10T20:29:00.011-05:00

Availability

With it being quite obvious that God wanted me to have some freed up time, due to the fact that I am not currently a mommy to a living child, nor a participating, active, on-duty wife, I began to pray that God would use me and my new found spare time in any way He saw fit. And, that I would be willingly available to do it.

Because God is the Ultimate Expert in turning ashes into beauty, I knew there had to be some good that would come out of my given circumstances.

And, some of the good has been revealed.

I'm not sure how many of you read the comments on my blog posts, but because of my post on December 31, I have been given the opportunity to meet Rylan's Mommy.

Rylan is a sweet baby boy that was born on December 28, 2009. It was a perfectly healthy pregnancy, and Rylan passed away from unknown reasons. Those are all the details that I'm aware of at this point. Rylan is buried just a few plots away from my Dylan. They share the same birthday, one year apart. I am planning on meeting Rylan's Mommy this week. Would you please pray that I will be able to bring words of comfort, peace, and joy to her, in this, a devastating situation? And, that I would be able to mourn with her in her grief through one of the most devastating losses a person can experience, as so many of you did for me?

Another door that has been opened, is a new Beth Moore study that I start this week. We will be reading "Believing God". I will update you on that, as it progresses. I am super stoked to begin the study.

And yet even another door has been opened.

Several years ago, God put an interest in me to go on an overseas missions trip. Shortly after the possible opportunity came about, Chad and I became engaged. Shortly after that, we became pregnant. And, well, you know the rest. The timing for such a trip wasn't right yet...until now.

Given my present circumstances, I had an inclination that going on a missionary trip would most likely be in my near future. And, it appears as though it is. Last week, our bulletin asked "Interested in going on a missions trip?". I replied, "Why yes, I am". It continued to say there would be a team going to Guatemala(!!!) this spring/summer. June actually. I am so excited and so at peace with the plans for this trip! Looks like my passport from the honeymoon will come in handy! I will update you more as the date approaches, but I am now accepting donations towards the trip, in case you are wondering. ;)

Ashes into beauty, my theme for 2010.

I love how God works.

Would you please join me in prayer this week for both the comfort for Rylan's Family, and for God's blessings and favor on the upcoming Guatemalan trip?

May God make His Will known to you too, as He has for me. And, may we all find the peace, joy, and comfort in knowing that the best is yet to come.

Blessings,
Nicole

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor."

Isaiah 61:1-3

Busy Schedules

2010-01-07T20:46:00.005-05:00

God is so awesome isn't He?

There has been a whole lot of busyness 'round here...Too much to post about tonight...but I will say there are great adventures in the works for me...I am still praying about it all, but it may even be as soon as this spring!

Because of my grief, God has led me to some pretty cool people, who I now consider close friends. If I never had this grief to go through, I probably would have never met them. More on that later, too.

Forgive my ambiguity...but until all the pieces fall into place, I don't feel comfortable sharing much of the details.

But God has been great to me, and I'm relishing upon that fact tonight.

With the Christmas decorations down, the workout schedule in place, books to read, people to meet, and places to go...I am loving life.

Thank You Jesus for a renewed outlook and peaceful paths to tread upon, no matter the circumstances.

"Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones."
Isaiah 49:13

A New Year

2009-12-31T13:00:00.002-05:00

I was overwhelmed with gladness with all of your responses to Dylan's video. Thank you.

His birthday had it's highs and it's lows, with the low points being lower than I anticipated.

Dylan was celebrated with an early morning visit to his grave site, a trip to the Salvation Army to drop off toys, extremely thoughtful gifts, pint sized cupcakes, a quiet dinner out, and more tears than I expected. But, he was celebrated nonetheless.

I visited Dylan's grave site again today (it was one year ago today that we laid his tiny body in the ground), and was a little taken back by the fresh site that had been dug.

The plot belongs to a "Rylan", born December 28, 2009, buried December 31, 2009. It appears as though Rylan was a very loved little person. I don't know any more details than that.

Thank you all again for the love you've shown to me in 2009. I am embracing 2010 with wide open arms.

Blessings and Peace to you and yours this New Year...

Nicole

Birthday Boy

2009-12-28T06:49:00.013-05:00

Happy First Birthday Dylan!

You're no longer physically here, but you'll never leave your Mommy's heart, or memory. Until next time, my sweet, sweet baby boy...

There are no words to describe this ten minute video, so I won't even try. I will say though...it does include never-before-posted pictures and video clips.

Thank you Julie, for all your help and many hours you dedicated to making this so special. From the bottom of my heart, Thank You.

And, thank you, blog readers for showing so much love and support to a complete stranger. Until I can thank you all in person, this will have to do. THANK YOU!

Dylan from Nicole on Vimeo.

52 Weeks and A Choice.

2009-12-27T06:49:00.014-05:00

It's been 52 weeks since the first and last time that I've held my son. I am thankful to be able to stand here today, and not be the same person I was before I met my child. Being a mom changes everything. And, being a grieving mom really changes everything.

Before I became a mom or a grieving mom, I was focused mostly on myself. Of course, I loved helping others, and caring for those whom I loved, but after I lost my child, helping others became my focus. Aside from praying, it was the only thing that relieved some of the hurt.

52 weeks ago today, I made a choice to give my hurt to God. I had read the verses before, but never was I so dependent on God. Never before was I so empty, so hurting, so alone in my grief. So, I didn't challenge God to show up on my behalf, I just trusted that He would. And, He did.

Every time I called, He showed up. Every need I had, He met. And, not only did He meet my needs, He went above and beyond what I thought I needed, and blessed me in more ways I could ever dream up on my own. Even though losing my child and getting a divorce was never in my game plan, I am grateful for all that I have been given. God didn't have to let my child live for seven hours. God didn't have to give us a chance to meet our child. God didn't have to fill that hospital room, to the brim, with pure love. God didn't have to give us the chance to hear our son's coos. God didn't owe us any of that. But, I'm grateful that He gave us those experiences.

52 weeks ago, I had a choice. I could choose to let God take me through the wild and crazy roller coaster called grief hand in hand, or I could choose to ignore it all, try to make it go away with my own superficial means, and still be at the same spot years later. I decided to take the leap of faith, trust God, and try to see the good in all the situations...because He promised He would never leave me. He promised to calm the storms of this life. And, I believed He would. And, He did.

Was it easy? Definitely not. There were many, many nights I cried myself to sleep. There were several occasions when I remember lying on the bathroom floor, wanting to vomit, hoping the knot in my stomach would disappear. The best I could hope for was that my chest would continue to rise and fall on it's own, due to my need to breathe.

There were times I was paralyzed in fear. There were times I was overcome with sadness. But I knew that wasn't the best God had in store for me.

52 weeks now, and I can say my son's name out loud. Immediately following his death, I couldn't. I loved hearing others call him by his name, but saying his name myself, I just couldn't do.

52 weeks and I look at my son's pictures and videos, and smile. He was so cute and so loved. And, I am so proud.

52 weeks and the thought of losing my own flesh and blood no longer consumes my every thought.

52 weeks and hours, days, and weeks go by that I don't shed a tear. The sadness is still there of course, but no longer overwhelming.

52 weeks since losing my child, and I am able to say...my cup runneth over. I have my joy back. I have my life back. I am able to laugh and smile with my friends and family again. And, I thank God He has calmed the storms in my life.

We will all have trials and tribulations in this life, but we have a choice. We can allow God to use each trial to make us all more like His Son, or we can go it alone. Totally alone. And with that decision, the best case scenario would be that we would enjoy a short lived life, full of superficial joy, on this, a sin-filled Earth. I can't imagine traveling this journey of grief without having the certainty in knowing I will see my son again one day. I can't imagine.

Thank You Jesus for giving me hope, in a hopeless situation. Thank You for saving me. Thank You for breathing life into my child. Thank You for blessing me beyond belief. Thank You.

Where You'll lead, I'll follow.

"He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. "Where is your faith?" he asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, "Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him."
Luke 8:25

Dylan,

Babies are pieces of their Mommy's hearts, and you'll never be replaced or forgotten. I am so grateful I was able to look into your blue eyes, and get to know you 52 weeks ago today. I am so proud to be your Mom. I am so grateful I'll get to hold you again. Miss you Son. Happy Birthday.

Love,

Mommy

*Dylan's video is up and running, ready to post tomorrow, his first birthday. I've already watched it a hundred times, but I know I'm pretty bias. :)

Straight Up

2009-12-16T00:09:00.009-05:00

I struggle with turning the other cheek, just like anyone else. It's one thing to be hurtful towards me, it's another to mock the vows you made before God. With a great wealth of knowledge, comes great responsibility. And, I am not perfect.

It would be foolish to think that anyone knows a man better than his own wife, no matter if they're separated or living together. I don't have much to say in return to Chad and/or his family and friends that have blindly tried to verbally attack me, other than, if you don't like what you read on my blog...don't' read it. Simple as that.

Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.

I am not looking for pity from anyone. When I was going through my pregnancy, it helped me a great deal to know that I wasn't alone in what I was feeling and thinking; Because others had taken the time and risks of criticism to share their experiences on their own blogs. Raw experiences. That is why I write.

I would love to not share details about the divorce, but unfortunately, it is intricately intertwined with my grief. Especially as Dylan's first birthday approaches, and especially as I am on the receiving end of Dylan's Dad's anger. How can that not be part of my grief?

The man I truly loved, the man I share a child with, the same man who held me as we buried our son's body in the earth, hates me. And, it went from being so in a matter of months. And, there is not one reason as to why he feels that way, except that looking at me reminds him of the deep-rooted painful memories of losing his son. Memories he'd rather not feel, or think about.

So, I'm pushed aside and kicked-when-I'm-down with hurtful comments and false beliefs about me, by him and his all too eager to believe friends and family. (I t-o-t-a-l-l-y understand that you choose his side. I wouldn't expect or ask for anything less.) But how is that not part of my grief? Do you know what it feels like to want nothing more than to share a memory of your son with the only person on this earth that will ever know what you're feeling, and to have that person hate you? Really? How is that not part of my grief?

If nothing else, this can be a story of what not to do when you're angry and grieving. And, it can be a lesson to other grieving couples to: let. it. go. The anger of losing your child is overwhelming, but not defeating. At least it doesn't have to be. Feel free to learn the hard way vicariously from my situation, and save your marriage, love each other, and let. it. go. As, I am vigorously trying to do.

The very surface details I have shared about my marriage on this blog are just that. Only minor in comparison to what I know, to what God has revealed to me these past 3 months. It has taken a great deal of self control and patience in God's timing to keep those details private, especially when I'm being pushed on all sides. I am done. I don't really care to banter back and forth on this blog. I have been shown the truth, and that's all I really care about. I wish to move on with my life. And, I'm having a hard time doing that when I'm receiving hurtful comments and texts from people I once cared for.

Chad, I haven't called you, driven by our house, or sent you any hurtful text messages or emails. I can only ask the same in return from you. I don't regret marrying you. I don't have any ill-will feelings towards you or your family. I know your expressions towards me stem from the hurt of our loss. And, there's nothing I can do to change that. The choice to change is yours alone.

I forgive you for the mistakes you've made. I forgive those that knowingly participated in the downfall of our marriage. Yes, marriage. Have you, by chance, forgotten that you are married? I forgive those that have done and said terrible things about me.

I forgive you. I forgive myself. Let's move on.

As I come out, with God's help, on the other side of the tragedy of losing a child and now a divorce, the details are all small strokes of the paint brush in the painting of who I am. You can't have one without the other. I know my story is not done yet. And all the glory be to God for that.

Blog Readers,
I apologize for the ridiculous bantering that you have been shown. I am not perfect, and have never claimed to be. But, I am straightforward. And always will I be. I value honesty above all else. And, this is me giving it to you, straight up.

As you can imagine, I will be going off the radar for awhile. I want to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas. And I want to reflect on the sweet memories of my son, without the chatter of negativity buzzing in the background. Because he's worth it.

Because He's worth it.

I will be back on with Dylan's video. Hopefully.

Wishing you and yours, a very Merry Christmas.

“But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end.”

Luke 1:30-33

Home Front.

2009-12-13T19:11:00.008-05:00

There's not much new to update on the home front.

I have had an awesome week. We had a great time with family we haven't seen in awhile. It's just unfortunate that it took a death to get us all together. Pictures to come soon!

The beginning of December was rough. But not for any obvious reason. I would imagine it had to do with my son's impending birthday. But, I am doing well right now. I am looking forward to 2010.

With each day, small pieces of the old me make their way back to the puzzle. I haven't had this much peace, or this much joy, in over 5 years. I am super excited to see what or whom, God has in store for me. There are several items on my "Bucket List", if I may call it that, that I wish to do with my newfound free time before I even begin to think about future relationships though. Details of the items on my list will be announced in the future, I'm sure. I am enjoying life, and value the opportunities I've been given.

Dylan's video has been completed. It's a-m-a-z-i-n-g. There are really no words to describe it. We did a trial run at 2 in the morning one day to see if it would post on here. It didn't. But, it is my goal to be able to post it on this blog on Dylan's birthday. We'll see if it's possible.

Other than that, life is treating me well. Given the present circumstances of my marriage, I am entirely grateful for the information God has provided, and for the fact that my son is no longer here to witness his dad making incredibly destructive choices. I am at peace that God always knows best, and my life has been spared. I cannot express just how thankful I am for what God has shielded me, and Dylan, from.

Thank you again for all your prayers this past year. When I think about this time last December, I think about how supported, how loved I felt. And that's thanks to you, and your generosity.

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed."Psalm 57:1-3

Dylan's Great-Grandma

2009-12-05T16:30:00.004-05:00

Margaret Ilene Bronson was born on July 27, 1936. She passed away this morning from natural causes in the comfort of her own home.

Sadly, I'm ashamed to say that the last time I personally saw her was 7 and a half months ago at THE EVENT, as I lovingly refer to it these days, or mine and Chad's wedding, as others think of it.

My Grandma was a God fearing woman, and I have no doubt that I will see her again one day. She had a servant's heart, and would do anything for anyone else. She adored her family and friends, and loved to keep updated on them all.

Grandma loved family pictures, and would write full details on the back of each picture she took.

My fondest memory of her is when we used to make her famous cinnamon rolls together in her kitchen, back when I was a little girl. She made some of my favorite dishes. Her lasagna, mint chocolate chip pie, and popcorn balls are my favorite holiday past-times.

Dylan was her only Great-Grandchild.

I thank God that victory over the grave has already been won.

We will miss you Grandma!

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Amazing Grace. One of her favorite songs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another Year Older

2009-11-27T16:11:00.019-05:00

This week I have turned another year older. Much has happened this past year, and none of it I regret...

I had been part of a new family and waited in great anticipation to meet our son:

I gave birth to a baby boy. I loved him his entire life. All he knew was love:

I became a wife:

I have laughed:

I have loved:

I have been blessed with amazing opportunities and places to travel:

I have been blessed and surrounded by some pretty incredible friends, err...sisters. I'm not sure where I would be without them:

God has sustained me and allowed me to survive some pretty terrible storms in my life. But, He's made Himself known in them all. He's shown His great shield of protection and love. And even helped me to laugh and find joy while in the depths of the valley:

I don't know what awaits me this next year of my life. But judging by how much love, laughter, and joy I've had this year, I am on the edge of my seat waiting with great excitement and anticipation to see the many things God has in store for me this next year! I am blessed beyond belief. And, am grateful to Him for it ALL. No matter what happens.

Letters to Chad

2009-11-24T00:42:00.014-05:00

Chad has recently taken up the hobby of reading my blog. I had asked him in the past if he ever wanted to write a post, as I was sure my readers would want to hear what it was like to be a grieving daddy. He had always declined. Until now. Now, he feels I don't share with you how hard our life was. That I don't share the struggles we faced as a grieving couple.

While I believe the gruesome details of our bereavement should be left private, as this is now a legal matter, I would still love for Chad to have the opportunity to hear directly from you, with his very own comment section.

I respect that everyone grieves differently. I also respect that Chad has lost just as much as I did last December 28. Maybe hearing other people's opinions, besides my own, would help him in his grieving process.

So, dear readers, knowing that he now reads my blog and it's comments, how do you feel about sharing the same love with him, that you all share with me?

What is it that you would tell a grieving daddy? What is "normal" from your experience? Did you ever fight with your spouse because you grieved differently? Did you ever try to heal your pain from other forms of relief apart from God? How did that end up? Did you ever push your spouse as far away as possible in hopes of ending the pain of losing your child?

How about just because there were new adjustments to make since being married? Do you have any stories from your newlywed days? Were they all fun and laughs? Or does every couple have struggles? What is it that made your marriage succeed? Is it because you married a "perfect" person? Or loved, accepted, and committed to one another? Is it because your marriage is fun all the time? Or have you succeeded because you sacrificially love one another?

Hearing advice from me is out of the question, and has been for a long time.

So, blessed, beloved, blog readers...this may be your one shot at having an impact moment with Chad...I ask that you give him advice and shared experience out of love and compassion from your heart. This would even be a great time for blog "lurkers" to leave a first time comment, especially if you know him personally.

Chad,

The journey through grief is long, challenging, and painful. It is only when one can be honest with one's self, that true healing can begin. May my readers share as much love, honesty, and raw details of their struggles, with you, as they have with me. May you find comfort in knowing you're not alone.

Blessings to you, My Husband, and Daddy to our son Dylan.

Sword of the Spirit

2009-11-22T20:09:00.004-05:00

Another tactic in my surviving grief has been to of course read my Bible, but also to write the verses that stick out the most to me on 3 x 5 note cards. I carry them with me everyday. I fight off depression, worry, fear, and many other negative emotions with the Truth. When grieving, you become incredibly vulnerable to superficial forms of relief from the pain that burdens you after your loss. But only one God will satisfy you, or grant you the Peace that you're looking for.

"Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
Ephesians 6:17

These are a few from my personal collection of note cards:

"Do not say, "I'll pay you back for this wrong!" Wait for the Lord, and He will deliver you". Proverbs 20:22

"The mouth of an adulteress is a deep pit; he who is under the Lord's wrath will fall into it." Proverbs 22:14

"The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out." Proverbs 10:9

"When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever." Proverbs 10:25

"Blessed is the man who always fears the Lord, but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble." Proverbs 28:14

"He is my loving God and my Fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield, in whom I take refuge, who subdues peoples under me." Psalm 144:2

"Say to those with fearful hearts, "Be strong, do not fear; Your God will come, He will come with vengeance, with divine retribution He will come to save you." Isaiah 35:4

"You give me Your shield of victory, and Your right hand sustains me; You stoop down to make me great." Psalm 18:35

"But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?" 1 Cor 7:15-16

Am I perfect? Nowhere near perfection. But, I know to Whom I belong.

Survival 101

2009-11-13T18:32:00.005-05:00

Below is a combined list of helpful hints that have helped me continue the journey through my grief. In many cases, the suggestions help in any sort of grief, whether it's grief from losing a child or a husband. If you personally have never experienced a loss of a child or a husband, consider yourself blessed. Very blessed.

1. Get out of bed every day, even if on certain days it's only to take a shower.

2. Continue on to your normal routine of things as soon as you're able. At first, your smile and "joy" will be fake, but over time, you'll realize you're actually happy again.

3. Fill some of your time with helping others. After all, "it is more blessed to give, than to receive". God will be generous with His Peace when you do. Funny thing about helping others, it takes the focus off yourself, and your own problems.

4. Cry when you feel like crying.

5. Pray. Pray often.

6. When your friends call to get you out of the house, take 'em up on their offer. Chances are, you'll have fun.

7. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you're feeling. The longer you bottle up the emotions, the longer the grieving process will be for you. Just know that your feelings are temporary. They don't predict the future.

8. Exercise, especially when you don't feel like it. It gets the endorphins pumpin' and promotes a healthy self-image.

9. Forgive those you need to forgive for not "being there" for you in ways you'd expect them to be. Chances are, they're just uncomfortable with the emotions grief brings about. It would be unlikely that their coldness would be a personal attack against you. Forgiving them, just allows you to move on ahead to bigger and better things.

10. And, finally, believe that the best is yet to come. Be thankful for what you've been given, and anticipate the even better things God has coming for you.

There you have it. Lessons from a girl that hasn't been defeated by her grief.

The Dylan Diaries

2009-11-10T20:05:00.003-05:00

Yes, I have a journal. I wrote a handful of entries this time last year, so I wouldn't forget any details of Dylan's sweet, short life, in or out of the womb.

In all honesty, which is what I aim for, these past few days have been hard. I have been leery to discuss them on here, as I know Chad and his family are still reading this blog. Not that it makes much difference who reads the ramblings of a grieving mom and wife, but we do have a legal case on our hands now. Unfortunately, it has become Team Chad or Team Nicole. But, I'm still going to be honest with my feelings. That's a part of me that will never change. After all, there are no guarantees in life, and sometimes it's just plain hard.

I have just recently gone back to grieving my son after being distracted with other forms of grief these last couple of months. When I think about this time last year, I tear up. It was an uncertain, yet peaceful time. I was excited anticipating the time when I could finally kiss and touch the baby that was growing inside me. But, scared that he might not get to see my face in return. Then my mind wanders to the fact that I am now travelling this road alone.

Chad and I are not on speaking terms. I miss the Chad that was at my side the day of our son's birth. I miss the Chad that knew exactly what I needed, before even saying it, on the day that we buried our son. I miss the Chad that was true to himself and those around him. I just plain hate remembering how much Chad, Dylan, and I felt like a family when I am reminded that instead of celebrating my son's first birthday with cake, ice cream, and a chubby baby in diapers, with his dad by my side...I will be visiting a cemetery alone. Instead of having fond, loving memories when I think about the day I met my firstborn, I am reminded of all that I don't have. And, that's almost too many layers of grief for me to handle.

NOVEMBER 9, 2008

"Dearest Dylan,

Last night you got to hear Reba & Kelly Clarkson! I think you liked their music, you moved around a bit!

This morning Dad & I slept in. We woke up to the first snowfall for the season! It wasn't enough where Dad has to go to work, but it's pretty!

We went to Grandma and Grandpa Wynsma's for lunch today. Grandma made burritos. I couldn't eat all of mine. Dad told me to eat up to make sure you were full. :) I told him, you were. I love it when he talks to you or about you. I can't wait for you to finally meet each other! He loves you so much baby boy!

Today is exactly 2 months til your due date. Time has gone by fast! I love getting to feel you & give you taps throughout the day. I'm so proud of you Dylan! You are a fighter! And you're strong! I look forward to seeing your sweet lips & nose in person. But until then, I'll try to show you all that I can. Sleep tight.

Love, Mommy"

I know I am just beginning a whole 'nother grief cycle, and that this is all "normal". It doesn't make it any less difficult, though.

I would absolutely covet your prayers to enable me to face the month of December with courage, dignity, and grace.

Blessings to you all.

In the Small Things.

2009-11-05T22:41:00.005-05:00

Where is God when you lose your son? Where is God when your husband asks to no longer be a part of your five month marriage?

Well, God is everywhere, but He is especially involved with the small things. And, I love finding Him there.

Don't you think it's time for a symbol post?(I need a more creative title, I think) For those of you that are new to my blog, I love finding little signs along my life's journey that God leaves to show He is here. And He is here. He's especially made Himself known to me during these last 7 weeks that I have been separated from my husband. There have been so many encounters, opportunities, and special people He's brought into my life these last 7 weeks. I will tell you about one of them, for there are too many to share them all.

First, a little background information.

Near the time of Dylan's birth, last December, one of my best friends Julie offered to make a slide show of Dylan's pictures and videos. She had asked me what song made me think of Dylan. I had said, "There Will Be a Day" by Jeremy Camp. So, she used it. Julie created a beautiful DVD, opening with video footage of Dylan cooing, and moving into that song playing with pictures. As you could imagine, Chad and I have watched the movie countless times over the last 10 months. And, as you also could imagine, hearing that song makes both Chad and I think of Dylan. It's definitely his song.

It's also worth noting, that I check in patients at an OB-GYN office 4 days a week. I would estimate that I personally check in around 50-60 patients per day. Of those estimated 50-60 patients, there is always at least one that has the same birthday as Dylan: 12-28, every day I work. Anyone know the statistics of that?

On to the story of God making His Presence known...

With newly acquired free time on my hands, I have been doing a lot of reading. One night last week, I had finished a book. Like, finished it. The End. I close the book, and on the radio, "There Will Be a Day" began to play. My heart stops every time I hear that song. I looked over at the clock. Can you guess what time it was? 12:28 AM.

The flood gates opened.

I couldn't fabricate this story if I tried. It was only 12:28 AM for me. I set my clock 15 mins ahead because I'm well, not a morning person. So technically it was 12:13 AM for everyone else. But...in my world...it was 12:28, I totally finished a book, and at that same instant, Dylan's song came on the radio.

I know God is with me. I know outwardly it looks like my world has caved in around me. I know that my God isn't finished with me yet. I know my God works everything for my good. And, I sleep well knowing that He is in control.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."Romans 8:28

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."Romans 5:5

A Walk to Remember

2009-11-01T16:31:00.009-05:00

On Saturday, October 3 my family and others that love Dylan attended the Walk to Remember. As many of you know, October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. The walk was put on by a local non-profit organization. But the gift it gives to families that have experienced a loss due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death is immeasurable. It allowed us to take the steps that our babies never will. The opportunity to physically be recognized, and act as Dylan's Mom is something that can never be given a price tag. I am so appreciative to all those that showed up to show their love to Dylan. I know for some, it is uncomfortable and undesirable to purposefully put yourself in situations where painful emotions will be discussed, but your presence there that day will never be forgotten by me.

Not only was the walk a time for me to be seen as Dylan's Mommy, but I was able to connect with friends I've met through this blog, support groups, and even patients that have lost babies in the OB office I work at. It was a display of a community rallying around to show love for others. It was a very special and peaceful day for me. Thank you to those that showed their support.

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance..."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

The Closing of a Door.

2009-10-27T23:04:00.004-04:00

First off, I will acknowledge the big, huge elephant in the room, and take a minute to thank you all for your heartfelt honesty, and support. Yes, I have deleted some comments. As I have stated, I will not drag Chad's name through the mud. I value honesty in myself and even more in others. Even if your comment wasn't posted, I thank you. I will not entertain comments where I have to defend myself though. After all, it is my blog.

If you are a long time reader, you know what my stance is on divorce, and as you could imagine, this is not, has not, and will not be an easy decision for me. Only God, Chad, and I know the true details of what has caused the dissolution of this marriage, and I'm ok with that. My goals right now are to move forward in my life. In order to have a future, I have to let go of the past, and that's what I intend to do.

This blog was started as a way to share the story of a little boy who was diagnosed with an incompatible with life diagnosis. It was a way to share our ups and downs of carrying him to term, and living life without him. Many of our friends and family were able to keep updated through this blog. I want to keep my stories real and honest. But I have every intention of keeping the stories on topic of my son, or at least life without him, and not on the loss of my husband.

Life does go on without your baby. As the days increase, they become infused with more and more hope. The fog of grief and heartache lifts, and the load grows easier to bear.

This story started out with a girl who chose to give her son life. A girl who dreamed of a lifelong relationship with her son's dad. This story has become one of a girl who has nothing apart from Christ. God has opened doors and closed doors. And, no matter what happens, He is good.

I know difficult days lie ahead of me, as there is not much positive surrounding a divorce. I do not desire to write much more on the topic however. I look forward to the day when the fog will lift yet again.

May you all receive blessings for the many ways you have blessed me.

DIVORCE.

2009-10-14T22:33:00.003-04:00

Divorce. A word that I have never ever, ever wanted to be included with the story of my life. I believe that divorce is a sin. An action that falls short of the standards that God has set for us to follow. Just as any sin is. I believe God forgives our sins. I believe Jesus' Blood covers a multitude of sins, including divorce. With that said, I will give you a minute to scoop your jaw off of the floor...

Four weeks ago, I moved in with my parents.

Chad has asked to no longer be a part of this marriage. The reasons I was given: "This isn't fun anymore". "I don't want to be this miserable the rest of my life".

Since being separated, choices have been made. I have exhausted all my efforts. I have met with the Pastor. He says, biblically speaking, it is acceptable for me to walk away from this marriage.

Those are all the details I will give publicly. I will not drag Chad's name through the mud.

I will not hold onto bitterness, anger, resentment, or vengeance.

I have asked God for His forgiveness for the responsibilities I had in this ending in a divorce. I believe I am forgiven.

I have asked Chad for his forgiveness for the responsibilities I had in this ending in divorce.

I have forgiven myself for the responsibilities I had in this marriage ending in divorce.

I have forgiven Chad for the responsibilities he had in this marriage ending in divorce.

It isn't final yet. There have been no papers signed. But, the facts are evident.

I do not want war. I think of this as a truce. I want not to hold onto the bitterness that is so easy to feel right now. With each day, the resentment, the regret, and pity has faded little by little.

I wish nothing but the best for Chad and all of his family. Dylan will always bind us all. And, for that, I am grateful.

God is the Alpha and the Omega. The beginning and the end. I know He delights in overcoming evil with good. And, I know that He will.

Man in his or her weakness cannot always live up to God's ideal.

God, I know that divorce is wrong. I know it was not Your ideal for me. God, I confess to You my weaknesses and human failing that contributed knowingly and unknowingly to my divorce. God, I ask Your forgiveness for my divorce. Help me to know and experience Your love through forgiveness. Lead me to new growth and new beginnings in my life. Thank You Lord! Amen.

To all of our friends and family that have personally made sacrifices towards our wedding, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I am so appreciative, and so grateful for the support and love that Chad and I received during the loss of our son, and for the day that we became man and wife. THANK YOU.

And if you feel so inclined, I would absolutely covet your prayers during this, yet another season of grief. As birthdays and holidays approach these next couple of months, I know it won't be easy. But through Christ, I know I can do anything. I know the Peace that passes all understanding carried me through losing my child, and will yet again, carry me through losing my husband.

I will not go through this divorce, but I will grow through this divorce.

MIA

2009-10-13T18:38:00.002-04:00

I apologize for my absence. There are great reasons for it. There have been many changes taking place over in my neck of the woods. I will elaborate more when I'm able.

I am still alive though.

May you all have a blessed month!

DeToUrS.

2009-09-23T07:35:00.002-04:00

Roadblocks, construction, and detours get in the way of our life sometimes. But, isn't that part of life? My lifelong dream was to be a stay at home mom, married to a husband that loves God and loves me as much as I love him, to work doing something I enjoy, help the needy, and be a supportive, reliable friend. But sometimes life, err, God, allows detours to arrive to test our faith, and grow great patience within us. The choice is up to us as to how we will respond. Will we go left, or will we go right? Will we accept that God has a better plan than ours, and embrace His involvement in our lives? Or will we choose to keep running in the wrong direction, ignoring the convictions, or our responsibility in the mess we've found ourselves in?

Several weeks ago, I had asked a nurse who works in the OB-GYN office that I work at, along with the postpartum unit at a major hospital in my area, if she knew if there were any volunteer tasks that I would be able to put my efforts towards down at the hospital. Helping others has been a HUGE part of my healing. And, the more I'm around babies, the happier I am. On most days, anyways. She said she would think about it and get back with me.

No more than a few minutes go by, and she comes back up to my desk to tell me about a volunteer organization that goes into homes of families with newborns. They are there to assist the moms with pretty much anything. To holding babies so moms can get a shower, to light household chores, to helping with any older children. I immediately signed up.

After the volunteer training session, I was hooked. So much so, that before I even went into the home I was assigned to, I also marched right down to the nearby college and signed up to take classes and be put on the 2-3 year waiting list for.....NURSING! I am so excited! I want to be a labor and delivery nurse. I love all things to do with births.

Almost all of my previous classes will transfer. There are just 4-5 more I need, which will be a piece of cake to finish in the next 2 years while I wait to start clinicals. I will continue to work full time, and volunteer.

If I hadn't gone back to school for ultrasound, there's a very good chance I wouldn't have gotten a job at the OB office. If I didn't work at the OB office, I wouldn't have 10+ physicians plus the office/nursing staff as references directly connected to the labor and delivery floor.

I had my first meeting with the family I was assigned to this past Monday. I am almost speechless as to how perfect of a match it is. The husband and wife are high school sweethearts. Their first child was born before they were married. They continued on to have a total of 5 biological children, and two more that are adopted. The children's ages are: 9, 6, 4, 2-2 year olds, a 3 month old, and a 3 week old. They strive to live organically, which is something that has always intrigued me, but that I've never spent the time to fully develop, the last few children were home births, and it also turns out that they go to the same church that I primarily attend. The children are well behaved, and God fearing. Within the first ten minutes of my visit, the 4 year old little girl touched my cross necklace and said, "Do you believe in God?"

I said, "Why, yes I do."

She replied, "So do I".

I responded, "I am so glad that you do."

She said, "Do you know that Satan is God's worst enemy?"

I said, "Why yes, I do."

If the 4 year old's response to my being there is any indication as to how my visits will go there...I'd say it will be amazing, possibly life changing. She has already invited me for a sleepover.

I am blessed. Truly blessed. And,I am excited about life and all that God has in store.

Detours are to be expected. But, will you choose to still see God's hand in it all?

Thank You God, for filling me 'til I'm overfull. For surrounding me with the most supportive friends and family in the world. I know You're not finished with me yet, and I welcome the improvements You'll make.

Autumn

2009-09-16T11:00:00.003-04:00

I am sooo welcoming the change of seasons. I am antsy for sweaters, jeans, cute boots, and apple orchards. To curl up on the couch and read a good book with the windows open.

Our summer flew by as it was filled with memories of fun times with friends and family, along with not so fun times of feeling the weight of grief at it's heaviest.

So...welcome Fall. I embrace you.

The gentle, and subtle inner nudging I have felt over the last few months has gotten stronger. There will be some new adventures for me coming up. Ones that I am becoming more and more excited for every day. As soon as more details are in place, I will gladly share these named adventures with you. Soon. Look for it under "Detours".

Until then, have a blessed beyond belief week!

Help Wanted

2009-09-10T21:11:00.004-04:00

I can't believe I am even thinking about it, let alone about to type the words, but I need your advice on the approaching of Dylan's one year since birth day. I am an obsessive planner, as you know. I don't want to do anything huge, in fact if I am to be honest, I don't know that I want to do anything at all. But I also don't want to regret, or feel inadequate as a mom, if I do nothing. I will work on finishing a video compilation of my maternity pictures, his pictures, and videos, but I wondered if you had any other suggestions. The weather will be a frozen, wet, mess most likely in our neck of the woods. And, I don't particularly like to be the center of attention when it comes to Dylan, as in having any sort of open house-type of an event. But, do you have any helpful ideas to subtly remember him on his birthday? I knew I could count on you!

August.

2009-09-03T20:16:00.003-04:00

August was a terribly hard month for us. And, I'm glad it's over. It was hard in many ways, including the fact that now our time without Dylan is exceeding the time we had with him.

My arms ache to hold him. The longing is just as intense now, as it was the day after we said good-bye.

Chad and I just recently got back from a houseboat trip in Kentucky with 13 of our friends. It was a welcomed refreshment. For the first time since I'd learned of his existence, I experienced several days without thinking of Dylan. Usually, I would probably feel guilty about that. Instead, it was a surprise of fresh air. A small glimmer of the old me, before I was a mom. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade seven hours with Dylan for the world. But, it was nice to have a break from heartbreak. Even if it was only for a couple days.

Currently, Chad and I working on finding the old us. The ones who had fun together. Who didn't take things so seriously. Who didn't know the devastating pain of losing a part of yourself. We're at a stage that we couldn't have been pushed into, but one that we had to make a decision to be in. To purposefully choose happiness.

D-Day.

2009-08-17T21:29:00.004-04:00

Wow! Where has the summer gone? I have recently taken a few Saturdays off from the salon to spend more time with Chad. We have an upcoming vacation in Kentucky as well. We've been busy boating(Thanks DJ!), socializing, sunbathing, and enjoying the summer. It has gone by way too fast.

Along with the relaxing summer days, we've had some pretty dark and gloomy ones too. This Friday, August 21, will mark one year since our 20 week ultrasound for Dylan. I am expecting the anticipation of this day to be much worse than the actual day itself will be. I am hoping anyways. I am planning on working a full day at the OB-GYN office Friday. I don't know if that will help or hurt.

I get a pit in my stomach every time I think about that day. The smells, the sounds, the sights, the beginning of a change of seasons...

I remember, distinctly in fact, the night before the ultrasound. Just before bed, I remember getting an overwhelming sense of gratefulness. So much so, I fell to my knees, praying, "Thank You God for allowing me to make it this far". I don't know if it was from my experience of working at an OB office, seeing the heartbreaking side of some pregnancies, or my odd intuition from the beginning that something was wrong. Very early on I had very disturbing dreams about the pregnancy. So much so I'm not going to even put them in words. Moving on.

I remember the day of the ultrasound, waking up very early, extremely rare for me, taking extra time getting "pretty". Not that Baby Wynsma would see me, but it would be the first time in a long time I would see it.

I remember everything. From the exact outfit I had on, to the black amethyst Bath & Body lotion, right down to the very lipstick I finished the look off with.

To this day, I have not worn that same shirt since.

Even being within 20 feet of someone wearing the black amethyst scent, makes me want to vomit.

I remember instantly falling in love with the handsome baby projected on the big screen in front of me.

I remember seeing Chad's pride come to life, when the tech tried and tried, and finally got "the money shot". I had to have her repeat it, in order for the shock to wear off that it was a boy. The whole pregnancy I was sure it was a girl.

I remember being so in love with my baby, but not at ease.

I remember finishing the detailed part of the ultrasound, and finally being able to relieve my full bladder. I remember getting up from the toilet, and feeling like I was going to pass out.

I remember coming back into the room, and just finding Chad in there, discovering that the tech had left.

I remember more scanning.

I remember a knock on the door. A knock from a doctor that was supposed to be in surgery right then.

I remember the first words out of his mouth being, "It's not good".

I remember the tormenting, tight grip I had on Chad's hand, the other covering my tear stained face, as a ten inch needle was poked into my stomach.

I remember being escorted the back way to the elevator, so we wouldn't be on display going through the crowd of happily expecting families.

I remember making the dreaded phone calls to our antsy friends and family waiting to hear if we were having a boy or a girl.

I remember making Chad take a picture with our hands forming a heart on my belly, needle mark and all, because I didn't know how much longer we'd have with him.

I remember.

I remember.

What If.

2009-08-05T10:16:00.003-04:00

Judging by the title of this post, you may be thinking I will be asking questions as to what life would be like with a seven month old baby boy. I assure you, that is not what this post is about. But I warn you, it will contain a challenge. So continue reading if you're up for a challenge.

I can testify that the darkest, hardest days of my grief can be traced back to a subtle lie that "I have a right to be sad, depressed, and devastated". A right to be hopeless, if you will.

Losing a child is hard. Really hard. The experience will leave you feeling empty, lonely, and in despair.

But...

The Bible tells us to "consider it pure joy". (James 1:2)

The whiner in me says, "But, why?". I don't want to have to work towards an enjoyable life. I want my baby back. Here. Right now.

The Bible continues to say, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Not lacking, anything? Really?

What would life look like if we considered every hardship, every trial, every sorrow, every pain, and considered it joy?

What if we are in the middle of the worst times of our lives, and we read a book entitled Your Best Life Now? (Author Joel Osteen, if you must know)

What if we haven't been able to conceive a child, but we joyfully offer to babysit our friends' young children? Or volunteer in the nursery?

What if we have lost our jobs, and can't afford to eat, but joyfully give our tithe to the Church? Or give our last dime to another family in need?

What would happen if we planted a seed where we are in need?

Beautiful things would happen. The devil wouldn't have a foothold, and God would show up. The grave has already been defeated. Grieving is hard. No matter what kind of grieving it is. But, I challenge you to find joy in it. The Bible challenges you to find joy in it. Don't let bitterness reside in your heart. Forgive those who have done wrong to you. What would it look like if we chose love? Forgiveness? Patience? God?

This is more of a reminder for me today than anyone else.

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Ephesians 4:31-32

Seven

2009-07-27T21:44:00.002-04:00

Seven months have come and gone since Chad and I kissed our firstborn's cheeks. We spent a perfect seven amazing hours with him. He fought against all odds, and with God's strength, our firstborn son survived. He lived. He existed. And his absence is felt very deeply by his mommy and daddy. You are missed, sweet baby boy. The days haven't gotten any easier. You are such a special little boy, mommy and daddy don't even know if they want anymore babies. Your place in our home will never be replaced. Never.

And as tomorrow, your seven month birthday, approaches, your mommy will bid a farewell to another sweet baby girl that fought against odds, and now leaves her mommy and daddy too, on this, the seventh month of the year, at the seventh hour of the day.

We can't hardly wait to hold you again, sweet Dylan. Happy Seven Month Birthday.

Prayer

2009-07-24T18:10:00.003-04:00

***UPDATE***
Baby Raelynn was born immediately to Heaven. Please pray for her family, as they journey through their grief. I am speechless. My heart is breaking for them.

Original Post:

It has been brought to my attention that my new, and very loved friend whom is expecting a baby girl that has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18, is now in labor. Her water broke at 3 am this morning. I believe she is about 6 weeks early.

Would you please join me in prayer?

Sweet Heavenly Father,
Please grant Jennelle with a Peace that passes all human understanding. Bless her with the strength and endurance that is required to labor a child. I pray that baby Raelynn will have a strong set of lungs, and take her first breath in the arms of her Mommy and Daddy. I pray they will have time together here on Earth to get to know each other as a family. Bless them Sweet Jesus. Bless them.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Tight Grip

2009-07-22T12:19:00.004-04:00

Chad and I have had some of the best and some of the worst times of our lives over the last 3 months. There have been many times over the last two weeks where I've had a blog topic in mind, I sat down to type it, and my fingers froze. There have been so many personal discoveries made in the last couple of weeks, I wasn't sure how to put them all down in a word format. So, I will do my best to convey my personal revelations in the most condensed of fashions.

If I am to be brutally honest on this blog, which is what I aim to do, I will begin this post with a confession from all the way back when I was pregnant. Almost sixteen months ago now.

I became pregnant out of wedlock. Something I was ashamed of. Much guilt was felt. And, as I have already mentioned in earlier posts, the biggest physical effect that pregnancy had on me was the hormones, and being unable to control the emotions that went along with the skyrocketed hormone level. That aspect of pregnancy was the hardest on Chad and I. He would emotionally withdrawal, and I would tug and pull to reel him back in, ironically making the situation worse. I would look for satisfaction and fulfillment from him, not Him. So the quote on quote pregnancy drove a huge wedge between Chad and I.

About the time I was about to come to terms with accepting the idea of being pregnant, and enjoying it, we were told the news that our baby would not survive. Denial set in, yet again.

I went about planning and preparing for the delivery of a baby given an incompatible with life diagnosis, and Chad went about living life as if nothing was changing. I resented him, and have held that against him all along. Up until now.

After the birth and death of our baby happened, I was thrown into the planning of our wedding. A great distraction, to say the least. The wedding and honeymoon came and went. Then the stillness set in.

Now, I was married, fully acceptable to now be a mom, but I still didn't have my baby.

The grief set in.

I continued resenting Chad, and in turn disrespecting him. I loved him. I always have. But, looking back, I didn't respect him. I was looking for him to fulfill a void, that just wasn't possible for him to fill.

Chad was living life, bottling everything up, being the XY chromosome carrier that he is.

My resentment, and his bottled up frustration, well...it was ugly. We were battered, beaten, torn, and bruised. Until, there was almost nothing left.

My disrespect towards him, and his unloving behavior towards me, was sucking the life out of us.

We had a baby. He should be here with us, with his fat little chubby cheeks, and all. We are newlyweds. We should be all-loving, googly-eyed towards each other.

Instead, we had hit rock bottom.

Ironically, last week's sermon was on forgiveness. I was slapped in the face with the err of my ways. I have forgiven Chad for not living up to my standards of "being there" for me during the pregnancy. He has forgiven me for disrespecting him. And, we are building each other back up.

One thing I've learned is that grief will heighten all your senses and emotions. When you're mad and grieving, you're really mad. When you're happy, you're really happy. When you're sad, you're really sad. When you're anxious, you're really anxious. When you love, you really love.

I have learned that God is using this season of grief, to show me my imperfections. No one should take God's place or priority in my life. Not Chad. Not Dylan. God is all I need. And, He was peeling away at me layer by layer, until I would come to that full realization and understanding.

I have just begun the book Love & Respect. It calls the husband to love his wife unconditionally, and for the wife to respect her husband unconditionally, as according to Ephesians 5:33. It calls husbands to love their wives, even when the wife acts unlovable. It calls the wives to respect their husbands, even when the husband acts un-respectable.

So, that is where we're at. Learning to love and respect each other, even when we don't act deserving-ly of such things.

I've released the tight grip that bitterness and resentment had on me. I'm not only believing, but acting in ways that God is enough. Because He is.

And, thank goodness His mercies are new each morning. He's not finished with me yet.

Absent.

2009-07-21T22:01:00.003-04:00

I apologize for my absence in the blog world. We are still here. I've had a blog post in the works for a while now, but don't feel it is at it's completion point yet. Chad and I are newlyweds, yes. But, we are also still newly grieving parents. It hasn't even been 7 months. And I don't know about Chad, but it honestly only feels like it was 7 days ago. The next post will be insightful, revolutionary, and upbeat, I promise. It's almost done. Perhaps tomorrow I shall post it. Thanks for checking in on us.

Wordless Wednesday. 12-27-2008.

2009-07-08T12:53:00.001-04:00

Grief. Raw. And Uncut.

2009-07-07T22:35:00.000-04:00

The grief of losing your child is as unpredictable as the weather. The grief is as exhausting as running a marathon, untrained. The grief will overtake you, if you have no other Reason to live.

Grieving your child will show you what you're made of. Are you weak? Or will you stand strong?

Grieving your child always seems worse when you keep looking at all that you've lost, and not what you can do to help others.

Grief will cause feuds with your closest loved ones. But if you'll allow it, it will make your relationships stronger.

Grief will put a veil of darkness and hopelessness over everything you see, if you don't fight every day to find some sort of good in every aspect of your life.

Grief will show you the value in life.

Grief will make you feel worthless.

Grief will make you feel victorious, if you can withstand this, you can withstand anything.

Grief will make you vulnerable. You're no longer naive.

Grief will forever change you.

You Know You're a Grieving Mother When: (3)

2009-07-01T10:01:00.005-04:00

1. You know you're a grieving mom when the week in between Father's Day and what would've been your firstborn's 6 month birthday, is the darkest, saddest week of your life.

2. You know you're a grieving mother when instead of glancing through photo albums of your baby's month to month pictures, you're googling pictures of 1 month old, 2 month olds, and so on, just to catch a glimpse of what your son would look like right now.

3. You know you're a grieving mom when googling pictures of a 6 month old, you're lead to this picture and, you start crying.

4. You know you're a grieving mother when you're giving out directions for your child's grave site, instead of directions to your house for a play date.

5. You know you're a grieving mother when you plan activities to keep you "distracted" during certain "mile marker" months, like re-doing your living room to occupy your thoughts over the 6 month mark.

Full Circle

2009-06-22T22:23:00.003-04:00

I want to tell you a story. A story that even I, haven't fully wrapped my mind around. I am going to only share those involved by their initials, as I do not have permission to share this story. But as tragic as it is, it is beautifully written. It's a story of fufilling your destiny, no matter how painful, challenging, or lonely it may seem. And, at the end of this story it is my hope that you will share the same love you have shared with me, so many months ago.

My blog was suggested by several different people to woman whom I've never met. She too, is carrying a child, a sweet baby girl, that has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18. The Brave Mama's name is J. For whatever reason, her cohorts thought my blog might be helpful to her.

J contacted me last week. I had an urging to meet with her, and her with me. She is so brave, and has decided to carry baby R as long as she can. She has chosen life. And, she wanted to know any suggestions I had in preparing for a birth of a baby that hasn't been given an optimistic diagnosis. I don't know how much help I was to her, but she was a great help to me. More on that later.

J and I had emailed back and forth, and decided on a place and time to meet. She lives only 20 minutes from me.

The day before our meeting, I received another email from J. It was her forewarning me that she had a 2 and a half year old son...named Dyllan. I gasped when I read it. Not of fear or anxiety, but because there is only One who could've have written this story.

There are more details, but, honestly, I haven't even fully processed them yet.

All I know is that I was honored to meet J. I was honored that she thought I would be able to help her. I was honored to have lunch with a Mama who loves her baby girl so much that she's willing to make so many self sacrifices to give her daughter the best chance at life.

Friends, blog readers, would you please, please, pray for J and her sweet baby girl R? J is holding on to the hope of seeing her first daughter alive. And, as a Mama, who was blessed with that gift, it is my wish for her as well. Would you please pray for this sweet family? To grant them peace and wisdom as they wait to meet their baby girl?

I would so greatly appreciate it.

J-I hope you don't mind I posted this. You are an amazing Mommy. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Daddy

2009-06-21T11:47:00.004-04:00

A word Chad will never hear come from the mouth of his firstborn son Dylan. I am tearing up as I typed those words.

Chad,

I have never been more in love, so in awe, so proud of you as I was seeing you hold your sweet baby for the first time. All the questions, all the fear, all the loneliness of carrying your first child to term were worth it just to see you hold him. I would do it all over again if it meant you could have another minute with him.

I am so sorry you have to celebrate your first Father's Day without your 6 month old boy. I am so so sorry.

Love,
Me

Chad was an amazing Daddy. He held Dylan most of the time, got the eye boogies out of Dylan's eyes changed Dylan's clothes, kissed his forehead, and did all he could to father a baby in a short seven hours. He came home that night from the hospital complaining of a neck ache. Which was caused from staring down at a precious three pound twelve ounce boy, and adoring him for as long as he could all day.

I've asked Chad, on several occasions, if he would like to write anything on this blog. He declined. So, I'll leave you all with the letter that Chad wrote to Dylan the day after his birth. It was read at Dylan's Memorial Service.

I love my 2 boys. Happy first Father's Day Chaddy.

*
Dearest Dylan,

Words can’t express how happy I am to be your daddy. When I first saw you after you were born, it was the best time of my life. Being able to hold you, love you and watch you make faces was the greatest gift I could ever have. I miss you more and more every day and still wish you were here with us, but I can’t forget how wonderful it was having you for seven hours. Doctors couldn’t tell us how long you would live, or even if you would make it through the delivery. I am so thankful that you fought so hard to be with us. Thank you for letting us spend those precious moments with you on your birthday.

I’m sorry you couldn’t come home with us, and I am really sad that we can’t play together. There will be a time when we meet again and I promise we will do all those things. I love you so much Dylan. I can’t describe the pain I feel, but I just want you to know that your always in my heart, and in my mind. You were my cute little buddy that day and you will always be my little buddy as long as I live.

I have faith in you Dylan so keep fighting for you are in good hands now. I am going to miss you a lot but just know that your mommy and daddy love you so much. You are the best gift a father could ever receive. Just know that you will always be my first special little guy and you will never be forgotten.

God bless you Dylan James Wynsma!

Love Daddy

Approaching 6 Months.

2009-06-15T22:16:00.004-04:00

Six months? Already? Well, no in fact, only 5 and a half months. But as I look back on these last months, I cannot believe I would be holding an almost 6 month old on my lap right now. There are weeks that I cannot remember passing me by. And, others that seemed to drag on forever. I can't say the pain has lessened, but I can say that I get new outlooks on my situation almost everyday. I'm not sure, that without Dylan, I ever would have had a chance as great as this, to share my faith in Jesus. Because of Dylan, I am confident that with God's Help, Chad and I can and will survive whatever comes our way. The emotional tugs, tears, and wounds that adorn a grieving couple after losing their child are almost detrimental. And, Chad and I have survived. Not only survived, but thrived, with God's help and unending mercy. Because of Dylan, I look at life differently. It's too short to take for granted. Because of Dylan, I have witnessed great things. Because of Dylan, my dream of being a mom came true.

I am astonished as to how fast the time has gone by.

Walking, Talking, LIVING by Faith.

2009-06-11T19:50:00.011-04:00

Times are tough right now. At least that's what the media would have us to believe. But we serve a God who works all things for the good to those that love Him.

Funny thing about grieving the loss of your child, or anyone I suppose, is that never before the loss had you ever physically relied on the Presence of God Himself to sustain you. Never before had you been so empty. So hollow. Literally, He, and He alone is what gets you through some days. Never before had you been able to separate yourself from the everyday "troubles" of life, and realize they're so minute, and so trivial, and so not important in the grand scheme of things.

On the other hand, while going through the grief, it seems that sometimes all it takes is one small hint of "trouble", and you can easily be sent into a tailspin of panic and fear. Why if God could allow you to lose your child, what else would He allow you to lose? That's the Devil himself in hot pursuit right there. And, I'm just plain sick of it. I have lost my child. He's dead. But I'm not dead. There's still fun to be had. Still joy to be found. And, I think it's time our attention shifts to that.

Have you ever been in a circumstance where the outlook appeared to be "hopeless"? Where no good thing could possibly come of it? And did He show up in your circumstance? Did miracles happen? What "mountain" did you speak to? You all know the love I have in the small things of life that God makes Himself known in. What miracles has He done for you? Big or small. I'd love to hear 'em.

I'll share a few examples of mine. If I shared them all, you'd be reading this post all night.

The good things God has done in my life:

1. I was nannying for a family who happened to have a baby beat monitor that they would no longer need. As good of baby beat monitor that is used in doctor's offices, in fact. They graciously loaned it to me even before we knew of Dylan's condition. I was able to listen to Dylan's heartbeat any time I liked in the convenience of my own home. I will forever cherish those quiet times with my boy, hearing his beating heart, and watching the increase in bpm's at the sound of my voice. God is good.

2. Chad was struck on the driver's side by a semi truck. He walked through our bedroom door, without even a scratch on him, to tell me about the accident. God is good.

3. Even though Chad had "full coverage" insurance, they did not even pay close to the amount that the damage of the truck equalled. Michigan has no fault insurance, so the truck driver nor his insurance company were responsible to cover any of our expenses. 2 months later, we received a check from the semi-truck driver's insurance company that did cover for part of our expenses. God is good.

4. Our son, statistically speaking, should not have survived. He did survive. Full term in fact. Because he lived, we received a tax credit for him. Which in turned paid for our honeymoon. We didn't know how we were going to pay for it, but God showed up, obviously in more ways than one. God is good.

5. Not only did we not get the swine flu in Mexico, we were upgraded to the highest class room available. For free. God is good.

I could go on forever, but I want to hear your stories. Whether you've lost a job, lost a loved one, or have just plain lived, I'd love to hear how God has "shown" up.

The Big Question.

2009-06-10T20:40:00.010-04:00

"When are you and Chad going to have more kids?"

Gasp!

The big question. I will just address it here because so many have asked, and if you haven't asked, I'm sure you're wondering. Well, maybe you are.

Chad and I are not ready for more kids right now. Emotionally, physically, and financially not ready. We have a goal and a vague time frame in mind of when we might be ready again. Of course it's not ultimately up to us, we know. So there you have it. Not any time soon for us. And by that I mean at least 6 months to a year. We'll re-evaluate then.

So there you have it. My personal information available at your fingertips. Just a click away. Now stop asking. :)

What is that you say? You didn't want to see more pictures of Chad or I? You want to see more of Dylan? Ok. I aim to please.

Look at how pink, and alive he was. You know, with missing bones, a heart defect, and water on the brain and all.

Treading Water

2009-06-03T10:38:00.008-04:00

I am at the point in grief where I feel as though all my energy is just spent treading water in order to stay a float. And, I'm sick of it. I want to do so much more than tread water, or just get by. I want to excel. I want my energy back. I want to live a fulfilled life that God has ordained for me. (and you too!)

After the wedding, I was catapulted back into the exhausting roller coaster of emotions that we call grief. It is apparent that planning and preparing for the wedding served as quite the adequate distraction for me.

But, I'll keep treading on. And, though my eyes may be totally filled with tears at times, or too heavy to see beyond the tip of my own nose, I will stay focused on the paradise that awaits me.

The following verse reminds of this journey through grief. We must walk through the fire, in order to come out clean, or new, or more like Jesus...however you choose to look at it. Though we're exhausted, or in pain, or longing for whom we no longer have, we must continue walking. Walking side by side with the One who can make us clean.

"Everything that can stand fire, you shall make go through fire, and it shall be clean. Nevertheless it shall also be purified with the water of impurity; and all that cannot stand fire you shall pass through water."
Numbers 31:23

FIVE

2009-05-28T21:33:00.002-04:00

It's been five. Five months since we met our firstborn son. Five months since I worked up enough courage to look down at the 3 pound 12 oz boy lying in my arms. Five months since I was able to wipe his sweet cheeks. Five months since he opened his eyes for the first time to his Mommy's touch. Five months since he made his first coo at the sound of his Daddy's voice. Five months since we had to leave the hospital with empty arms. Five months since we had to learn to start living with pieces of our heart missing. Five months.

In Memory Of.

2009-05-25T09:40:00.016-04:00

One of the reasons Mother's Day tossed me back into the deep pit of darkness was because ever since December 28, my goal was to have Dylan's grave marker completed and put out by then. Mother's Day came and went, and we hadn't even talked to the engraving place about his grave marker. With the wedding and honeymoon, there just wasn't enough time.
So, I had gone last week to the custom engraving place. Well, not just me, but also a member of my support system, one of my best friends, and though we are not blood related, she is my sister at heart. Thank you Julie. I digress. Chris at the engraving shop said it would take approximately a week to get me a draft, then another couple weeks to complete it once the final draft was chosen. Well, I had originally gone into the shop last Monday, and the grave marker was in my possession the following Friday, just in enough time to have out by Memorial Day. I am super pleased with how it turned out, and told Chris so. I thanked him for having it done in such a short time. He said, "Well, as soon as I saw his(Dylan's) pictures, I was inspired. And, when I'm inspired, it seems to get done sooner."
This "project" allowed me to mother Dylan again. And, it's been a long time since I could physically do that.
Before Dylan, our Memorial Day weekend would have been spent doing this:

But, this Memorial Day, it was spent doing this:

But, it's important to note, that while we discover what the "new" normal is since losing our son, we still do some of this in between the difficult times:

Happy Memorial Day.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-05-20T12:02:00.002-04:00

The Process.

2009-05-19T17:56:00.003-04:00

Mother's Day put me on the fast track downward, emotionally speaking. Ever since then, it's been a second by second battle with my mind. The battle of coming out on top. Coming out the victor amidst this mess of emotions that come as the cost of losing your child. Well intentioned cohorts will claim that time will lessen the pain. Any grieving mother can tell you that time does not lessen the pain. It just expands the moments of relief that come in between the moments of pain. As time goes on, there will be longer stretches of days without tears. But when the hard days come, the pain is no less than when the tragedy first occurred. The numbing, intense, sick to your stomach pain that comes at any moment when your mind becomes aware of the fact that indeed you gave birth, indeed you are a mother, and indeed, your child is dead. That's a hard fact to swallow.

Never before have I felt the "anger" that comes with grief. That is until Mother's Day. I am angry that my child is not here with me now. I am angry that we live in a sin-filled world. I am angry that more mom's face the struggle of losing a child, whether the child is lost through adoption, custody battles, or even death. There is another baby buried next to Dylan. That makes it two now. And, that makes me angry.

I know our God is a sovereign God. I know He works all things for the good of those that love Him. I know all of this. But, it doesn't make it any easier to walk through this fire.

Parasailing. In Mexico.

2009-05-14T21:26:00.003-04:00

The Story

2009-05-13T13:53:00.002-04:00

Two posts in one day? Can you believe it? I have survived my first Mother's Day without my son. It was one of the hardest days I have had in months. A whole day to remind you that you are a Mom, but with no child to mother. It was a terrible day. I woke up crying, if that tells you anything. Thanks to all who recognized me as a Mother though, and helped me to celebrate that.

Married life is great! We are having tons of fun! Last night we used our new grill for the first time. Though, I'm glad we have a whole lifetime together for Chad to practice his grilling skills. Whoops! Did I just say that out loud?!? Love ya Babe! On his behalf, the steaks were thick.

The story of the days leading up to our wedding, the day itself, and of our honeymoon are amazing and God-filled. My own mind hasn't even fully wrapped itself around them all! I will do my best to write them out in an organized manner that makes sense to all of you. Here's my attempt:

The days, weeks, and months leading up to "the happiest day of my life" were pure hell. It won't even do it justice to try and describe them in detail. Chad and I were dealing with our grief in different ways, and of course never on the same day either. On any certain day, one of us would be happy, the other sad. Or vice versa. I began to become apathetic. I didn't care about the details of the wedding anymore. I wanted my baby back. And I wanted mine and Chad's relationship to be stable again. Anyone that knows anything about grief knows what I'm talking about. It has a ripple effect into every aspect of your life. Not only is the grief itself a struggle to survive, but not allowing it to affect the rest of your life is a struggle too. But I knew that I loved Chad, and that even before Dylan's existence, we made the decision to get married. That is what kept me going. Whew. Onto the happy, mushy stuff.

Saturday, April 25, tied for first place as being one of the happiest days of my life. I have only experienced that much peace and that much joy, once before. It was the same Peace I'd felt on December 28, 2008. Nothing else mattered that day. I was marrying the man I love, the man I committed to, before God, finally receiving His blessing on our relationship. It was wonderful. Well, all but the weather was wonderful. Remember the sunny and 77 degree weather that was predicted? Yeah, never mind that. It down poured almost all day. I hear it's good luck for rain on your wedding day. Though I don't much believe in luck.

Chad and I made it through the ceremony without bawling our eyes out. I don't think we even shed a tear. That was all let out the night before at the rehearsal. After the rehearsal dinner, we stopped at the cemetery. I don't think there were any tears left to cry the next day.

We stuck to our decision of going to Mexico for our honeymoon. I was so uneasy with that decision, as you all know, several months before, with the whole drug cartel thing that was occurring at the border cities. During that time, there was a quiet voice whispering "I have prepared a place for you." It was that same Voice that had said "Let go, and let God" when I would be numbed with fear during my pregnancy with Dylan. It was at that point, I realized there is no room for faith, if you're swallowed up with fear. The two will never intertwine.(No, I don't hear voices, people! It's just a "thought" that comes to mind. Not an actual voice from a burning bush or anything!) Then, the day before we were to leave, the news and media were urging travellers not to go to Mexico because of the swine flu. It was at that point, I knew it was just another test of faith. "I have prepared a place for you", was all I kept thinking. The last two devotions I had read before we left for Mexico were entitled: "Say Yes to God" and "Overcome Fear with Faith". No more questions asked. We were going to Mexico. Want to hear more?

Upon arrival into Cancun airport, we glided right through customs. It's rather easy to do when your flight is the only flight in the whole airport! Before we left, I was "lecturing" Chad to be sure to pass right by all the vendors trying to sell you timeshares or taxi's. Wanna know who really needed the "lecture"? You got it. Chad had to pull me away from the "taxi" counter! We made our way outside, and found our shuttle. We endured just a short 25 min ride to our resort.

At the gated entrance to our awaiting paradise, the hotel staff member checked our name off the list. His name happened to be Jesus. That's right people! Jesus waited for us at the gates of paradise! Sorry. I know. I'm a symbolic dork!

To only a few people's knowledge, Chad actually knows a little Spanish. He studied it in college. On our first night in Mexico, at our first dinner, Chad was practicing his Spanish with our waiter. They were reviewing numbers, and the conversation turned to birthdays. Our waiter said his birthday was December 28...

On our second day in Mexico, we met a couple at the main pool. They were married the same day as us, and oh yeah, they live less than 2 hours away from us! We had a great time with them for several days, and I'm sure we'll see them again.

Half way through our stay at the resort, Chad received a phone call from the front desk. They were wondering, since our building was low in population, if we would mind upgrading for free to the Presidential Casitas, AKA: the penthouse of the resort!!!, so they could do some maintenance to our building. It was almost too good to be true. In less than an hour, we were unpacking in the "new" room. Blessed beyond belief.

Our only complaint of the whole trip was our final flight home. We had been waiting for 5 hours in the Houston airport because we had to leave Cancun 3 hours earlier than originally planned, due to flight downsizing, due to lack of passengers, due to the swine flu of course. On our final flight home, we were up in the air no more than 10 minutes. All of a sudden, an extremely loud, extremely high pitched sound was heard in the middle to back of the plane. It was unbearable. Nothing was seeming to happen with the flight attendant. She didn't even seem to notice. Finally, passengers were waving and turning on their call lights to get her attention. She frantically got on the phone to the pilot. She then made her way to the middle of the plane and announced there was low cabin pressure. The Captain was going to continue en route. If the noise didn't stop within 5 minutes, he would turn the plane around. I fought back the tears. 1) the noise was soooo loud, you couldn't even think 2) I thought we were going to die 3)we were on the last flight out of Houston. I did NOT want to stay the night in an airport if we did so happen to survive the landing. Chad and I moved to the very front of the plane. As close as we could, without jumping on the pilot's lap. There were only 17 passengers on the plane. And, the noise could hardly be heard in the front. The noise eventually subsided, and we returned to our original seats. We wanted to kiss the ground when we finally landed at our final destination. Chad hates to fly in the first place. I don't think we'll be travelling again anytime soon. But we had an amazing time in Mexico.

With the stress of planning a wedding off our shoulders, we are now relaxing and enjoying being husband and wife. And, trying to work off all the weight we gained on our honeymoon!(A pound a day people!) We look forward with great Hope to our new future together. Thank you all for your love and support over the last 10 months.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-05-13T09:42:00.004-04:00

Mother's Day

2009-05-09T18:58:00.001-04:00

***Read at Dylan's Service***

December 30, 2008

Dearest Dylan,

I am so proud to be your Mommy! You fought against all the odds, and surpassed all of our hopes and expectations. I thank God for spoiling us with 7 beautiful hours with you. They were the best 7 hours of my life! Having you suck on my pinky, and grip my finger were just some of my favorite moments. It is because of moments like those that all the hurt, disappointment in knowing your condition, and fear were wiped away. Your cries and your coos were music to my ears. I would gladly carry you for 9 months again if it meant we were able to have the chance to see your eyes, kiss your cheeks, and snuggle your warm body against ours.

Thank you for fighting for us, to give us the chance to know you. With every second of your little life that had passed, I fell more and more in love with you. I was happiest seeing you in your Daddy’s arms, and watching you love each other. You two looked so much alike…that’s ok by me though…I happen to think it’s quite a handsome look you share with your Daddy!

I will never forget you, my firstborn son. Though my arms are longing to hold you again, I know we were so blessed to even be able to hold you at all. God blessed us beyond measure with allowing us to know you, and we are forever grateful to Him for that gift. He gives and He takes away, but I will still choose to say, “Blessed be His name“. God Bless you My Son, my sweet miracle.

May the Lord Keep You Until We Meet Again…

Love,
Mommy

Relaxcion

2009-05-06T20:55:00.004-04:00

We are home totally safe and sound! I have so many stories to share! Stories of God physically making His Presence known! You won't believe 'em when you hear 'em! But, I am overwhelmed with sorting pictures, and of course laundry! My photographer had our photos ready and sent 3 days after the wedding! I am literally going through over a thousand pictures! The laundry is calling...so here's a sneak peek! Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers over the last couple of weeks! Blessings!

Bon Voyage

2009-04-28T18:06:00.003-04:00

It was an amazing weekend! Better than my wildest dreams!

We will soon be kicking back in Mexico. Please pray for safe, hassle-free travels, and immunity to the swine flu virus.

More pictures and details to come soon!

:)

2009-04-22T13:26:00.004-04:00

I'm still alive! Bridezilla may have shown her teeth a few times this week however. Just one last update before the big day. I am able to breathe while wearing the wedding dress. I am actually borderline needing it taken in, but I'm sure the pizza buffet for the rehearsal dinner will aid in that need. The pew bows are made, the perfect lipstick color chosen, but the honeymoon bags are only half way packed. The forecast looks amazing here for Saturday. 77 degrees and sunny. 77. Hmmm. Interesting. The hair and nails are next on the list. Decorating the reception site will be one of the final tasks. I am getting more and more excited with each day that passes. Thank you all for your prayers and blessings. Last night was a hard night, as we came across some forgotten videos of Dylan, oh yeah, and my brakes went out on the highway, in the rain! But I will hold my head high, and rejoice in the fact that God has allowed me to marry Dylan's Daddy. Miss you Baby Boy. (Reminder: Pause the blog's music near the bottom before pushing play on the video.)

The final countdown.

2009-04-19T19:56:00.004-04:00

This week is and will be filled with emotions. All sorts of 'em. From joy to sorrow. Hope for the future of a newly united life to sweet memories of a missing loved one. For all the mathematicians out there, we will now come upon "anniversaries" of Dylan's life. And, it's harder than I thought it would be. The "anniversaries" may be minor to some, but they're all I have. It's going to be a long and hard week. Where has the last year gone?

You Know You're a Grieving Mother When: (Part 2)

2009-04-10T06:34:00.006-04:00

1. You know you're a grieving mother when the screen saver for your computer desktop is not of a picture of your 3 month old son, but instead, a 3D ultrasound picture of him. For that is one of the most "recent" pictures you have of him.

2. You know you're a grieving mother when you struggle with the routine day to day decisions in life, like deciding what to wear. What does it matter? You're hoping Jesus comes back today and that you can see your son again, hoping that He comes back right now, then you won't even have to decide what to wear.

3. You know you're a grieving mother when you've had it. You can't go one more day without holding your baby, touching his soft skin. Your only option? Driving to a cemetery in the middle of the night, laying in the moist grass over your son's burial plot, in your pajamas, wanting to jump right in there with him, with your hands and face pressed firmly against the cold cement slab designated for his grave marker. This is now how you say goodnight.

4. You know you're a grieving mother when driving through a cemetery late night used to creep you out. Now, you're thanking God as you drive through for the full moon, as it provides even more light to see your son's grave.

5. You know you're a grieving mother when at your son's grave site, your heart breaks all over again, for you notice that your baby isn't the last in line anymore. A new site has been dug. A site only a tiny baby could fit in. A new mom has had to say goodbye to her baby.

6. You know you're a grieving mother when never before could you have understood what God must have felt so many Fridays ago, looking down at His Son suffering. Suffering to the point of death. Never before.

7. You know you're a grieving mother when this Easter, this Resurrection Sunday, you will probably be thanking God for sending His Son for the hope of seeing your deceased child again, at least once an hour.

8. You know you're a grieving mother when you finish this post, and look over at the tiny clock at the bottom of the computer screen and your heart stops. 6:49 AM.

Take me there again.

Stuck in Grief

2009-04-06T20:20:00.004-04:00

Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since the last post! My apologies, as the Big Day approaches, and Bridezilla makes her ugly face known, just kidding...well sort of...the blog posts may be scarce for awhile. Might I also add that I'm working 6 days a week amidst this chaos of so-called wedding planning and grieving the loss of my child.

March was a hard month for us, to say the least. I would certainly say the grieving process is harder as time goes on, and more and more mile markers come to pass. Not to mention, so I've heard, that weddings can bring out some ugly emotions in people. Planning this talked up event of the "best day of my life" has been draining. Draining emotionally and physically. There will be an obvious emptiness in my arms that day...in the arms that should be holding my almost four month old son...an emptiness that no bouquet of flowers could ever fill.

I will say, that besides the obvious of proclaiming our love to one another in front of our loved ones, having God's blessing in our lives, and uniting forever in marriage, I am most looking forward to finally having the same name as my baby boy. To finally make our already existing family official. For that, I am joyful. I am now just praying that that deep, surging, sting that rears it's ugly face when thinking about how much I miss my son will keep at bay for that one day. That the emotions won't overwhelm me to the point of not being able to function. That others would realize how hard that day will be for me, wonderful yes, but also so very hard. That the realization of "starting your life together" means doing so without your son. My prayer is that those around me realize every day is harder, not easier. That everyday I wonder what new thing Dylan would be doing. That everyday is a gift, and the little things don't really matter. That I'm struggling as a mom who has no child to nurture, and that, in the end, when your final day draws near, all that matters is how you treated those around you. Were you there for them in their most trying, devastating times? Or did you kick them when they were already down? I am not perfect. Little things bother me. The remedy Chad and I use, that faithfully, every time draws us back to peace, is Dylan's video that one of his aunts made. Hearing his sweet voice instantly draws us back. Back from bitterness, from the busyness of wedding planning, back from the troubles of this life. He, Dylan, was and is worth every heartache and every tear.

So, I am not sure as to when I will be back on, but here is a little peek of the pictures to come...

Week at a glance...

2009-03-28T14:34:00.004-04:00

My week of fasting and praying is now over. And I hope that all of you who made your prayer requests known, are even more blessed than I was! I wanted the week to end on Dylan's 3 Month birthday. It's quite amazing the things God does when one takes the focus off themselves and onto Him.

During this week of praying for all you who have prayed for me, God has blessed me so much in return. First, I had originally planned to start the fasting once "20" requests were left. But I started earlier then that so it would be timed to end on the 28th. Only God knew this "idea". Two days into fasting the 20th request was made. I have no idea as to what the significance of 20 is, but it was a number that stuck for some reason.

Around Day 3, while reading my "One Year Book of Hope", an instant vision and/or Presence was felt. It was of Jesus holding my Baby Boy. I haven't been that at peace or happy since December 28, when I first met Dylan. It wasn't like a vision on a wall or anything physical, more like a dream, except I was wide awake. A beautiful dream that I just bawled through, as I was so grateful for it.

The next day after my vision, Chad told me he too, had a dream. He talked to Dylan on the phone in his. Might I add, Chad did not, and still does not know I was fasting or anything about my "experience".

The week ended with a very unlikely blessing in these economic times.

So, I thank you all again for your love and support. May you all receive the desires of your heart, while, as I encourage you to do, take the focus off yourself, and start caring for those around you. May God hear our prayers, and send His Son soon. Real soon.

Wordless(Almost) Wednesday

2009-03-25T10:45:00.004-04:00

This is a picture from a little under 2 years ago. We were camping, one of our favorite things to do. Oh how simple life was when ignorance was bliss. When we knew nothing about Trisomy 18 or the emotions of burying our firstborn.

Side Note

2009-03-20T08:55:00.004-04:00

As a side note, because the last post was Wordless Wednesday, the bear shown is a Build a Bear. It has Dylan's recorded heartbeat in it. Proof of his existance. I have pictures of Dylan holding this described heart, as well. The outfit the Bear is wearing is a duplicate. It's the same one Dylan is currently wearing. I had bought two of them awhile back, both preemie sizes. We shrunk one in hot water though, which happens to be the one that fit Dylan the best. He was a little peanut.

As another side note, Corey and Jenny met with the Specialist yesterday, and.....The Specialist does NOT believe Baby Durstin has Down's Syndrome! He does have a little extra fluid on his kidney, but not an amount that leads them to believe Down's is the cause! Praise God! Thank you all for your prayers for them! Corey and Jenny read and felt them all!

Happy Friday!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-03-18T21:34:00.008-04:00

Giving Back

2009-03-16T07:44:00.004-04:00

I won't ever be able to put into words just how vital of a part all you "blog readers" have been in my journey to surviving an "incompatible with life" diagnosis of my baby boy and the days, weeks, and months following his death. Ever. What I can do is offer to fast and pray for any needs or prayer requests that you all might have. I won't say when I'll do it, as fasting should be done in private with God, but I will of course share my experience after it is completed. I would be honored to pray for you. I take this very seriously, and want to time this 7 day period of fasting and praying at a point where I can give it much energy and devotion.

There were days when your prayers and support were the only things sustaining me. Seriously. I can only hope to be that much of a blessing to others. I know times are tough right now, and the things I have been through are minute in comparison to what some others have experienced. I am honored to do this.

Thank you for your support of, to some of you, a complete stranger. May God bring you great blessings from this.

Just list your prayer requests in my comment section and I will pray for all of them. Blessings to you all!

"So I turned to the Lord God and pleaded with him in prayer and petition, in fasting, and in sackcloth and ashes."
Daniel 9:3

"Yet give attention to your servant's prayer and his plea for mercy, O Lord my God. Hear the cry and the prayer that your servant is praying in your presence this day."
1 Kings 8:27-29

Aaaaahhhh...

2009-03-14T18:51:00.002-04:00

Aaaahhhh....that was a relaxed sigh of relief, not a I'm pulling my hair out, frantically roaming about, release of frustration.

Thank you all so very much for your advice. The final payment has been made. We are going to Mexico! And I have great peace of mind about it! After speaking with the travel agent, a trusted friend who is also going to Mexico in April, and a friend who has stayed at our exact same resort, we made the decision. All questions have been answered, and we're excited about the final choice!

In my heart, I sooo wanted to go Mexico! But there was this stirring unsettlement in my gut with all the media about Mexico right now. I was so torn as to what to do, obviously. I felt as if this perfect paradise was awaiting us, yet I was scared to accept God's gift. That I was unworthy to receive it. Quite the crafty deception if I must say so myself. But if I am to live victoriously, as I declared a couple posts ago, I must face my fears. Again, my faith was being tested. So, I am putting it in God's hands. This is what I read Friday morning, before meeting with the travel agent:

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you."
Psalm 25:16-21

So there you have it. A sneak peak at our destination:

Dilemma:

2009-03-12T20:18:00.005-04:00

Me, oh, my! Here's the scoop: For the last month I have been sick to my stomach thinking about going to Mexico. Yeah, bizarre, I know. I SOOOO want to lounge around and lay in the sun all day for a week. However, with the recent drug cartel headlines going out, I am way nervous. Chad and I aren't exactly what you'd call worldly travellers, though I do love to fly. I also feel guilty giving that much money to another country, when our very own country is in an economic crisis. So, the other option is going to Las Vegas for our honeymoon. Chad and I aren't in to gambling, but would love to sight see and go to some of the shows. Not to mention, we'd still be able to lounge poolside...

Now trust me, I know that I over-analyze every decision to be made waaaay too much (funny, though, now that I think about it, there was not even a split second that passed before I made the decision to carry Dylan to term, with no regrets, hmmm...funny...), but still, I don't want the thought of going to Mexico alone with Chad, at this point in time, to be the cause of panic attacks. Chad and I both want to go to Mexico some day, but would be more comfortable going in a group. I know how psychotic, neurotic, crazy, all of the above, that sounds. Really. I'm aware of this.

The funny thing about grief is that once you know the deep down, bottom of a pit feeling of losing your child, your outlook on life changes. Part of you feels totally fearless because you've survived one of the worst of worst situations, and the other part is soooo susceptible to fear because you know that if God can allow you to lose a child, everything else in between could also happen. You live between enjoying every second that our grai-of-sand-of a life represents, and in the world where no one is too untouchable, too safe. I'm not sure if I'm making sense, but I need your help! I know part of us would regret not going to Mexico (p.s.-we won't be out too much money, we got insurance on it), but the other part would feel so much more secure staying in the states....

Oh how wonderful it would be to live in the world where there were no trials, no tests of faith, and where babies always outlived their parents...oh what a life that will be.

So what do you think? Am I totally and completely crazy for even considering this?!? To be fair, I should also add that the room in Mexico we have reserved walks out to a lazy river that goes around the hotel...oh...the decisions...to be finalized tomorrow...I'm meeting with the travel agent tomorrow at 3:00. Again, I know I'm crazy, but I think we're leaning towards Vegas...Or any other suggestions at this point, all you world travellers, you...

Wordless Wednesday...Never Before Seen

2009-03-11T08:52:00.002-04:00

Update

2009-03-09T12:51:00.005-04:00

Thought I would give you all an update on our friends Corey and Jenny since you have all graciously prayed for them.

Unfortunately, there is not much to update. They have an appointment this week with the specialist.

I can tell you their sweet baby's name though...Baby Durstin (isn't that sooo cute?!?!).

So as this week passes, I pray this will be the one and only time they meet the specialist, because I am praying and believing for FULL and COMPLETE healing of Baby Durstin. That his parents will enjoy the rest of their pregnancy and be able to wait peacefully until they meet their perfectly healthy baby boy. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Going through hell...

2009-03-06T11:56:00.003-05:00

Raise a hand if you thought I should go to the funny farm after reading my last post!?! Judging by some of the comments left, yes I did delete a few, there are probably some hands in the air right now. Really, truly, that's not how it was meant to come across. I tend to have a very sarcastic sense of humor, and the last post was really just letting it all out. I am doing ok. Really. I promise.

But I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to cover up the fact that I feel attacked by the Devil from all sides, almost every day. Ironically, last week's sermon was on this topic. The three things the Devil will try to destroy, in order to destroy you...1)Faith 2)Finances and 3)Family, and oh how clever he can be, going about on his path of destruction. I can testify, that as of this last month, this holds to be true. It's not enough to go through the hell of saying goodbye to your firstborn baby. The Devil will try to rip the very floor you're standing on from under you. Wishing, hoping, you will fall flat on your face. But even if you fall, your face will still be looking up, not on the floor. All the meanwhile, you feel God's Presence, carrying, literally carrying, you through this hell. The Battle is already won. All you have to do is obey. And through the tears, the grief, the misery, the feelings of the world crashing all around you, you look up. You feel humbled by the fact that this is not how life was intended to be. You feel Christ's tears falling beside your own, and you pick yourself up, and continue on, holding on with faith that there's a place reserved for you before your enemies. That the Blood of Jesus is all that's needed, and It was already shed.

I declare victory over my faith, my family, and my finances. Not because of who I am, but because of who He is. He is enough. He is big enough, strong enough, and worthy enough. So, as the pieces get put back together, I declare victory.

"When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 'Where have you laid him?' he asked. 'Come and see, Lord' they replied. Jesus wept."
John 11:33-35

"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death."
Revelation 12:11

You Know You're a Grieving Mother When:

2009-02-27T19:40:00.008-05:00

Warning! This post contains content regarding bowel movements and menstrual cycles. Avoid reading if these topics offend, disgust, or insult you.

You Know You're a Grieving Mother When:
1. As a sweet blog friend recently posted, your body weeps over your lost child, i.e.: your breast milk comes in, full charge ahead (Dylan would have been a VERY well fed, chubby, baby!)...but no baby to feed. Even more disheartening, paralyzing, and devastating is when it finally dries up, eh hmmmm...TWO MONTHS later.

2. Your arms ache to hold your baby again. Literally. Physically. Ache. Your mothering urges are so strong, looking for a baby to nurture, but there is no one there. Literally Ache.

3. The onset of your period brings about great anxiety, and sadness to the core. Not only is the rest of the world, friends, and family, moving on without your baby, so now too, is your body. The very thing that protected your sweet baby for so long, is now moving on. Ready to re-create again. As if nothing happened.

4. You physically feel God peeling off your very being, layer by layer, only to prove that He is enough. He is all you need, and He will do anything at any cost to show that to you, including, but not limited to causing your car to overheat, not accelerate, in the middle of an expressway.

5. Having a bowel movement brings forth an anxiety attack, tears, and cries out to God. Those intense pains/cramps throw you right back into the very environment at which you were in the most excruciating, terrifying, shooting pain of your life. Alone. In a bathtub. Not knowing if at the end of this pain, you would be staring into the eyes of a living child. Thinking this amount of pain could go on for another 10 hours, because only minutes ago, you were dilated to 3 cm. Most women "forget" the pain, but that's because the reason for the pain is there, breathing, right in their very arms. That's right, bowel movement = full blown anxiety attack, crying out to God to take those memories from you, not knowing how you would ever give birth to another child again. (Gross and not typically discussed on a public viewing site, I know, but...don't care.)

6. Looking in the mirror or at your significant other, you can no longer recognize that person. The anger and bitterness make them unrecognizable.

7. Driving to a sweet friend's house, whom you have visited numerous times, you get lost, literally. You have to call her and get directions. Seriously. True story.

8. Relationships change. Close friends become strangers, and strangers/distant friends become part of your life support.

9. Instead of buying cute first year birthday toys to bring to your sweet friend's one year old's birthday party, you're at the dollar store stocking up on glass plates to plan on breaking, just to relieve the anger and frustration of not kissing him on his birthday, and watching him stuff his face with cake.

10. Your fiance and his friends are out in the garage, and are playing the music too loud for your liking. You kindly ask them via phone call and text, on separate occasions, to turn the music down. To your dismay, they turn it up. You then proceed to storm right down to the basement and find the electrical switch for "garage", flip that special switch, and voila...no more music.

11. You use the "grieving mother card" just as an excuse to prove how smart, savvy, and witty you are to shut the power off in the garage while fiance and friends are occupying the space, playing loud music, while you are trying to sleep.

12. You're writing about periods, breast milk, and bowel movements (hey! at least I used the term bm, and not poop, crap, or worse!;0) on a blog.

Eh hmmm...there...I feel much better now. Any others I have forgotten? Please feel free to add yours!