I was actually feeling like someone who hadn't ever had a baby before. Like someone who has never experienced heartache, loss, or disappointment.
It's been over 18 months since I've last held my own baby, and honestly, random thoughts of Dylan had not crossed my mind in a long time. And that fact alone was actually not unsettling to me. I was okay with all of that.
And, in an instant it can all change.
Maybe it was the 15 week fetus that was handed to me in a gladware container this week. Or maybe it's just been too long of a time period without feeling my loss.
But in an instant, it all changed.
I would give almost anything to be holding Dylan right now. To hear his voice. To kiss his cheek. To touch his toes.
I only knew him for 9 months. I only saw him for 7 hours. But I was instantly in love. And that kind of love, when embraced, doesn't fade over time.
There.
I feel better now.
Now, off to the life of attending classes, taking exams, and not settling for anything less than an A.
7 comments:
I am crying for you right now. I will give Megan kisses for you tonight. I wish that you could borrow her for awhile. Loving our angel Dylan!!
Love from WI,
Kate
It can all change in an instant, glad you are able to have really good days! :)
Praying for you... I know how hard this is.
You will forever have those special memories, somewhere in your heart , you have a special place for him ,theses feeling will go on and on ,just get easier with time, the Lord takes care of that and watched over us, Live your life too the fullest obeying God , It has been 43 years since I lost my baby son, I was not fortunate enough to have pictures of him,was so different back then , but in my mind I can still see that beautiful baby son of ours . we have three other sons that bring us great joy , but all ways someone missing , go on with your life, be happy, find someone to love you , someone that will treat you like a kindly Christian lady, have more children , not to replace Dylan but too add to your family, Marie
I'm sorry that your heart is heavy right now. Extra prayers sent your way tonight!
Erika
I have been following your blog for a bit now. Your story with Dylan touches my heart. I started reading blogs because I needed a place to share my feelings. I didn't experience loss but delivered a 28 week preemie boy in October last year and it was an unexpected road. He's done amazing, but this particular blog entry that you posted, well, it made me feel a bit more ok. I know my baby has done well, but I've been backtracking and having a hard time thinking of how things could have been. I'm glad to know that you can take a break from the traumatic events and they sometimes come back and its some sort of normal. You are such an amazingly strong person for what you've been dealt.
Praying for you and giving thanks that God has filled your life with such amazing things even in the midst of heartache and sadness. May His love give you comfort and peace when your heart aches for Dylan.
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