A New Year

I was overwhelmed with gladness with all of your responses to Dylan's video. Thank you.

His birthday had it's highs and it's lows, with the low points being lower than I anticipated.

Dylan was celebrated with an early morning visit to his grave site, a trip to the Salvation Army to drop off toys, extremely thoughtful gifts, pint sized cupcakes, a quiet dinner out, and more tears than I expected. But, he was celebrated nonetheless.

I visited Dylan's grave site again today (it was one year ago today that we laid his tiny body in the ground), and was a little taken back by the fresh site that had been dug.

The plot belongs to a "Rylan", born December 28, 2009, buried December 31, 2009. It appears as though Rylan was a very loved little person. I don't know any more details than that.

Thank you all again for the love you've shown to me in 2009. I am embracing 2010 with wide open arms.

Blessings and Peace to you and yours this New Year...

Nicole

Birthday Boy

Happy First Birthday Dylan!

You're no longer physically here, but you'll never leave your Mommy's heart, or memory. Until next time, my sweet, sweet baby boy...

There are no words to describe this ten minute video, so I won't even try. I will say though...it does include never-before-posted pictures and video clips.

Thank you Julie, for all your help and many hours you dedicated to making this so special. From the bottom of my heart, Thank You.

And, thank you, blog readers for showing so much love and support to a complete stranger. Until I can thank you all in person, this will have to do. THANK YOU!

Dylan from Nicole on Vimeo.

52 Weeks and A Choice.

It's been 52 weeks since the first and last time that I've held my son. I am thankful to be able to stand here today, and not be the same person I was before I met my child. Being a mom changes everything. And, being a grieving mom really changes everything.

Before I became a mom or a grieving mom, I was focused mostly on myself. Of course, I loved helping others, and caring for those whom I loved, but after I lost my child, helping others became my focus. Aside from praying, it was the only thing that relieved some of the hurt.

52 weeks ago today, I made a choice to give my hurt to God. I had read the verses before, but never was I so dependent on God. Never before was I so empty, so hurting, so alone in my grief. So, I didn't challenge God to show up on my behalf, I just trusted that He would. And, He did.

Every time I called, He showed up. Every need I had, He met. And, not only did He meet my needs, He went above and beyond what I thought I needed, and blessed me in more ways I could ever dream up on my own. Even though losing my child and getting a divorce was never in my game plan, I am grateful for all that I have been given. God didn't have to let my child live for seven hours. God didn't have to give us a chance to meet our child. God didn't have to fill that hospital room, to the brim, with pure love. God didn't have to give us the chance to hear our son's coos. God didn't owe us any of that. But, I'm grateful that He gave us those experiences.

52 weeks ago, I had a choice. I could choose to let God take me through the wild and crazy roller coaster called grief hand in hand, or I could choose to ignore it all, try to make it go away with my own superficial means, and still be at the same spot years later. I decided to take the leap of faith, trust God, and try to see the good in all the situations...because He promised He would never leave me. He promised to calm the storms of this life. And, I believed He would. And, He did.

Was it easy? Definitely not. There were many, many nights I cried myself to sleep. There were several occasions when I remember lying on the bathroom floor, wanting to vomit, hoping the knot in my stomach would disappear. The best I could hope for was that my chest would continue to rise and fall on it's own, due to my need to breathe.

There were times I was paralyzed in fear. There were times I was overcome with sadness. But I knew that wasn't the best God had in store for me.

52 weeks now, and I can say my son's name out loud. Immediately following his death, I couldn't. I loved hearing others call him by his name, but saying his name myself, I just couldn't do.

52 weeks and I look at my son's pictures and videos, and smile. He was so cute and so loved. And, I am so proud.

52 weeks and the thought of losing my own flesh and blood no longer consumes my every thought.

52 weeks and hours, days, and weeks go by that I don't shed a tear. The sadness is still there of course, but no longer overwhelming.

52 weeks since losing my child, and I am able to say...my cup runneth over. I have my joy back. I have my life back. I am able to laugh and smile with my friends and family again. And, I thank God He has calmed the storms in my life.



We will all have trials and tribulations in this life, but we have a choice. We can allow God to use each trial to make us all more like His Son, or we can go it alone. Totally alone. And with that decision, the best case scenario would be that we would enjoy a short lived life, full of superficial joy, on this, a sin-filled Earth. I can't imagine traveling this journey of grief without having the certainty in knowing I will see my son again one day. I can't imagine.

Thank You Jesus for giving me hope, in a hopeless situation. Thank You for saving me. Thank You for breathing life into my child. Thank You for blessing me beyond belief. Thank You.

Where You'll lead, I'll follow.

"He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. "Where is your faith?" he asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, "Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him."
Luke 8:25



Dylan,

Babies are pieces of their Mommy's hearts, and you'll never be replaced or forgotten. I am so grateful I was able to look into your blue eyes, and get to know you 52 weeks ago today. I am so proud to be your Mom. I am so grateful I'll get to hold you again. Miss you Son. Happy Birthday.

Love,

Mommy



*Dylan's video is up and running, ready to post tomorrow, his first birthday. I've already watched it a hundred times, but I know I'm pretty bias. :)

Straight Up

I struggle with turning the other cheek, just like anyone else. It's one thing to be hurtful towards me, it's another to mock the vows you made before God. With a great wealth of knowledge, comes great responsibility. And, I am not perfect.

It would be foolish to think that anyone knows a man better than his own wife, no matter if they're separated or living together. I don't have much to say in return to Chad and/or his family and friends that have blindly tried to verbally attack me, other than, if you don't like what you read on my blog...don't' read it. Simple as that.

Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.

I am not looking for pity from anyone. When I was going through my pregnancy, it helped me a great deal to know that I wasn't alone in what I was feeling and thinking; Because others had taken the time and risks of criticism to share their experiences on their own blogs. Raw experiences. That is why I write.

I would love to not share details about the divorce, but unfortunately, it is intricately intertwined with my grief. Especially as Dylan's first birthday approaches, and especially as I am on the receiving end of Dylan's Dad's anger. How can that not be part of my grief?

The man I truly loved, the man I share a child with, the same man who held me as we buried our son's body in the earth, hates me. And, it went from being so in a matter of months. And, there is not one reason as to why he feels that way, except that looking at me reminds him of the deep-rooted painful memories of losing his son. Memories he'd rather not feel, or think about.

So, I'm pushed aside and kicked-when-I'm-down with hurtful comments and false beliefs about me, by him and his all too eager to believe friends and family. (I t-o-t-a-l-l-y understand that you choose his side. I wouldn't expect or ask for anything less.) But how is that not part of my grief? Do you know what it feels like to want nothing more than to share a memory of your son with the only person on this earth that will ever know what you're feeling, and to have that person hate you? Really? How is that not part of my grief?

If nothing else, this can be a story of what not to do when you're angry and grieving. And, it can be a lesson to other grieving couples to: let. it. go. The anger of losing your child is overwhelming, but not defeating. At least it doesn't have to be. Feel free to learn the hard way vicariously from my situation, and save your marriage, love each other, and let. it. go. As, I am vigorously trying to do.

The very surface details I have shared about my marriage on this blog are just that. Only minor in comparison to what I know, to what God has revealed to me these past 3 months. It has taken a great deal of self control and patience in God's timing to keep those details private, especially when I'm being pushed on all sides. I am done. I don't really care to banter back and forth on this blog. I have been shown the truth, and that's all I really care about. I wish to move on with my life. And, I'm having a hard time doing that when I'm receiving hurtful comments and texts from people I once cared for.

Chad, I haven't called you, driven by our house, or sent you any hurtful text messages or emails. I can only ask the same in return from you. I don't regret marrying you. I don't have any ill-will feelings towards you or your family. I know your expressions towards me stem from the hurt of our loss. And, there's nothing I can do to change that. The choice to change is yours alone.

I forgive you for the mistakes you've made. I forgive those that knowingly participated in the downfall of our marriage. Yes, marriage. Have you, by chance, forgotten that you are married? I forgive those that have done and said terrible things about me.

I forgive you. I forgive myself. Let's move on.

As I come out, with God's help, on the other side of the tragedy of losing a child and now a divorce, the details are all small strokes of the paint brush in the painting of who I am. You can't have one without the other. I know my story is not done yet. And all the glory be to God for that.

Blog Readers,
I apologize for the ridiculous bantering that you have been shown. I am not perfect, and have never claimed to be. But, I am straightforward. And always will I be. I value honesty above all else. And, this is me giving it to you, straight up.

As you can imagine, I will be going off the radar for awhile. I want to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas. And I want to reflect on the sweet memories of my son, without the chatter of negativity buzzing in the background. Because he's worth it.

Because He's worth it.

I will be back on with Dylan's video. Hopefully.

Wishing you and yours, a very Merry Christmas.

“But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end.”

Luke 1:30-33

Home Front.

There's not much new to update on the home front.

I have had an awesome week. We had a great time with family we haven't seen in awhile. It's just unfortunate that it took a death to get us all together. Pictures to come soon!

The beginning of December was rough. But not for any obvious reason. I would imagine it had to do with my son's impending birthday. But, I am doing well right now. I am looking forward to 2010.

With each day, small pieces of the old me make their way back to the puzzle. I haven't had this much peace, or this much joy, in over 5 years. I am super excited to see what or whom, God has in store for me. There are several items on my "Bucket List", if I may call it that, that I wish to do with my newfound free time before I even begin to think about future relationships though. Details of the items on my list will be announced in the future, I'm sure. I am enjoying life, and value the opportunities I've been given.

Dylan's video has been completed. It's a-m-a-z-i-n-g. There are really no words to describe it. We did a trial run at 2 in the morning one day to see if it would post on here. It didn't. But, it is my goal to be able to post it on this blog on Dylan's birthday. We'll see if it's possible.

Other than that, life is treating me well. Given the present circumstances of my marriage, I am entirely grateful for the information God has provided, and for the fact that my son is no longer here to witness his dad making incredibly destructive choices. I am at peace that God always knows best, and my life has been spared. I cannot express just how thankful I am for what God has shielded me, and Dylan, from.

Thank you again for all your prayers this past year. When I think about this time last December, I think about how supported, how loved I felt. And that's thanks to you, and your generosity.

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed."Psalm 57:1-3

Dylan's Great-Grandma

Margaret Ilene Bronson was born on July 27, 1936. She passed away this morning from natural causes in the comfort of her own home.

Sadly, I'm ashamed to say that the last time I personally saw her was 7 and a half months ago at THE EVENT, as I lovingly refer to it these days, or mine and Chad's wedding, as others think of it.

My Grandma was a God fearing woman, and I have no doubt that I will see her again one day. She had a servant's heart, and would do anything for anyone else. She adored her family and friends, and loved to keep updated on them all.

Grandma loved family pictures, and would write full details on the back of each picture she took.

My fondest memory of her is when we used to make her famous cinnamon rolls together in her kitchen, back when I was a little girl. She made some of my favorite dishes. Her lasagna, mint chocolate chip pie, and popcorn balls are my favorite holiday past-times.

Dylan was her only Great-Grandchild.

I thank God that victory over the grave has already been won.

We will miss you Grandma!

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Amazing Grace. One of her favorite songs.



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