I struggle with turning the other cheek, just like anyone else. It's one thing to be hurtful towards me, it's another to mock the vows you made before God. With a great wealth of knowledge, comes great responsibility. And, I am not perfect.
It would be foolish to think that anyone knows a man better than his own wife, no matter if they're separated or living together. I don't have much to say in return to Chad and/or his family and friends that have blindly tried to verbally attack me, other than, if you don't like what you read on my blog...don't' read it. Simple as that.
Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.
I am not looking for pity from anyone. When I was going through my pregnancy, it helped me a great deal to know that I wasn't alone in what I was feeling and thinking; Because others had taken the time and risks of criticism to share their experiences on their own blogs. Raw experiences. That is why I write.
I would love to not share details about the divorce, but unfortunately, it is intricately intertwined with my grief. Especially as Dylan's first birthday approaches, and especially as I am on the receiving end of Dylan's Dad's anger. How can that not be part of my grief?
The man I truly loved, the man I share a child with, the same man who held me as we buried our son's body in the earth, hates me. And, it went from being so in a matter of months. And, there is not one reason as to why he feels that way, except that looking at me reminds him of the deep-rooted painful memories of losing his son. Memories he'd rather not feel, or think about.
So, I'm pushed aside and kicked-when-I'm-down with hurtful comments and false beliefs about me, by him and his all too eager to believe friends and family. (I t-o-t-a-l-l-y understand that you choose his side. I wouldn't expect or ask for anything less.) But how is that not part of my grief? Do you know what it feels like to want nothing more than to share a memory of your son with the only person on this earth that will ever know what you're feeling, and to have that person hate you? Really? How is that not part of my grief?
If nothing else, this can be a story of what not to do when you're angry and grieving. And, it can be a lesson to other grieving couples to: let. it. go. The anger of losing your child is overwhelming, but not defeating. At least it doesn't have to be. Feel free to learn the hard way vicariously from my situation, and save your marriage, love each other, and let. it. go. As, I am vigorously trying to do.
The very surface details I have shared about my marriage on this blog are just that. Only minor in comparison to what I know, to what God has revealed to me these past 3 months. It has taken a great deal of self control and patience in God's timing to keep those details private, especially when I'm being pushed on all sides. I am done. I don't really care to banter back and forth on this blog. I have been shown the truth, and that's all I really care about. I wish to move on with my life. And, I'm having a hard time doing that when I'm receiving hurtful comments and texts from people I once cared for.
Chad, I haven't called you, driven by our house, or sent you any hurtful text messages or emails. I can only ask the same in return from you. I don't regret marrying you. I don't have any ill-will feelings towards you or your family. I know your expressions towards me stem from the hurt of our loss. And, there's nothing I can do to change that. The choice to change is yours alone.
I forgive you for the mistakes you've made. I forgive those that knowingly participated in the downfall of our marriage. Yes, marriage. Have you, by chance, forgotten that you are married? I forgive those that have done and said terrible things about me.
I forgive you. I forgive myself. Let's move on.
As I come out, with God's help, on the other side of the tragedy of losing a child and now a divorce, the details are all small strokes of the paint brush in the painting of who I am. You can't have one without the other. I know my story is not done yet. And all the glory be to God for that.
Blog Readers,
I apologize for the ridiculous bantering that you have been shown. I am not perfect, and have never claimed to be. But, I am straightforward. And always will I be. I value honesty above all else. And, this is me giving it to you, straight up.
As you can imagine, I will be going off the radar for awhile. I want to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas. And I want to reflect on the sweet memories of my son, without the chatter of negativity buzzing in the background. Because he's worth it.
Because He's worth it.
I will be back on with Dylan's video. Hopefully.
Wishing you and yours, a very Merry Christmas.
“But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end.”
Luke 1:30-33
23 comments:
Nicole,
You have a right to your feelings. You have a right to post them on your blog. I ADMIRE that you have not ever trashed Chad or his family. You've been very kind, mature and well..muted on the subject. I sure has heck wouldn't be. I'd be swimming in anger and venting it all over the blog, if I were you. You are above that.
Chad and his family coming here is just plain and simple, telling. People will find fault where there is none as a means of removing blame and guilt from themselves. Remember that as they choose to post silly, inane and nasty comments to you. Rise above it, say what you so choose to say! You have a right and have said nothing negative toward Chad or his family.
It would be my suggestion that Chad's family take their focus off your blog and maybe get Chad some mental health help. Sounds like he needs it.
Don't apologize.
We are your readers. We know your heart, and are willing to share your grief.
I pray for a blessed and peaceful holiday season, free from resentment or distraction.
You are not responsible for his/his families struggle or healing. You can only walk through this season guided by the Lord.
Keep writing. Keep healing.
Nicole
I have kept up with your blogs from time to time. This is my first time commenting. I just want you to know this is very well said. Despite all of the anger certain people have towards you, I believe you are doing the right thing by sharing your feeling especially if it brings comfort during these difficult moments. I think it's great that you can forgive so easily, I don't think people understand the true meaning of how important forgiveness is. Forgiving others may seem to be a choice,and in one sense it is a choice,but god has been very clear about forgiveness.He has given us specific direction in numerous Scriptures, all of which can be summed up in just one word -- forgive! God's Word says, "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins" (Mark 11:25). "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven" (Luke 6:37).
Chad may not be the same person that was there for you through all of the rough times, but you are such a strong and powerful women filled with the wisdom of the lord and he will take care of you during these rough patches. As I can see, you are such a inspiration to so many people (including me). You are such a wonderful mother and your precious baby must be very proud of you. Thank you for sharing you thoughts. I will continue to pray for you!
Father in Heaven:::
Please bring Nicole strength and courage to face any obstacles in her life. Bring her comfort during this difficult road ahead of her. Please allow Dylan's birthday to be comforting and peaceful. Allow memories of Dylan fill her heart and help them to remain fresh. Give her the strength to move forward. Guide her to make the right decisions in her personal and professional life, regardless of what other people may say or feel. Also, I pray for the wrongdoings of others. Have mercy on their soul.
Amen <3
One of my favorite passages of the Bible is after Christ has been born. Mary pondered those things in her heart. I am a 'ponderer too'. I pray that you will have the chance this Season to ponder the lessons God has taught you. To ponder His goodness and mercy. To ponder His power and omniscience.
Please do not be bitter. Only one person is hurt when that happens - you.
Nicole, again it appears that you know what Scriptures teach. It appears that you were unequally yoked. At the least, you were not sexually pure. Unfortunately, our choices do have consequences. You are forgiven. His mercy is sufficient. Sometimes the scars remain. Just as my dear daughter did, I pray you can use the past choices and consequences to minister to others that may find themselves in a similar situation. (By the way, I am NOT saying Dylan's death was a result. I absolutely do NOT want you to thank that - ever.)
Take care Nicole. Ponder.
Nicole,
I have walked some of your walk, and it is going to be the longest walk of your life. I am divorced, although my situation is different it is still a struggle. I also have lost children, but I never held them as they were miscarriages or tubal pregnancies. I can compare the pain as it is not the same. What I can tell you that I do have 2 perfectly healthy kids (with the exception of asthma) that are the light of my life. I pray that you will have the strength to get through this. I put my time into church and my relationships with people who did not shun me. Five years later his family still hates me but I can't dwell on it, I can just pray for them. You are a great person and I admire you for your honesty. I enjoy reading about your brutal honesty. Happy Birthday Dylan (almost)!
Nicole,
I'm sorry that you're having to face all of this right now, as if Dylan's impending first birthday isn't enough! I pray that you find all the peace and support that you need this Christmas!
Kat In Dylan's Memory
I'm sorry Nicole. Try to stay strong and trust in the Lord.
And maybe think about making your blog private for a little while?? The people that love and care for you will still follow you through your journey.
((HUGS)) to you, you are a great person. Don't ever let anyone tell you different.
lots of love and prayers Nicole. You are handling this situation with honesty, love, patience, integrity, and ultimate trust in God's plan for your life. Don't appologize for your feelings or what you write-it's your blog, you can write whatever you need to in order to help your grief process. Grief is hard handled differently for everyone, and it appears Chad is choosing a less healthy way to handle it than you are. God isn't finished with him either, and with prayer hopefully he can move through his grief to a healthier place. I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this, it really doesn't seem fair to have all this dumped on one person. Continue to hang on to God's hand, he'll never let you go.
~tracy
I have not posted anything on your blog but have been a follower. I have not read anything that has put down anyone in any of your heartfelt writings. I have felt your hurt, heartbreak, and dreams pour out in words. I agree with others, if it were me, I probably be bashing and airing everything out of hurt. You have done it with dignity and grace. This is YOUR place to write. YOUR diary of YOUR life. YOUR feelings. YOUR heart. No one should judge or be angry. Who are they to say how YOU should feel? Your feelings are yours alone, you are offering others to follow your journey, to show others that they are not alone, to help in your healing and peace.
Beth
Nicole,
I am so sorry you are having to deal with such scrutiny by Chad and his family. You are absolutely right by saying they do not need to read your blog if they have any issues with it. You have taken the high road so many times. I actually think you have been extremely kind towards Chad by not revealing details of your marriage and separation. I have often wondered how you could be so forgiving and have so much strength and courage through it all. Please do not let Chad and his family bring you down. You are an inspiration to so many people. You are blessing other people's lives by sharing your story through your blog. Remember why you started this blog. It was to remember your son and to give you an outlet for your grief. You are entitled to share your feelings. How sad it is to think that anyone would want to take that away from you.
I hope that you have a blessed Christmas, surrounded by people who love you and want the best for you. I pray that you would be comforted as you near the anniversary of Dylan's birthday.
I would think your whole situation, your story, your life is hard enough at the moment without your husband constantly on your case. I feel for both of you. Please reflect on this time and the memory of your son - who -you've said it the best way possible - loved his whole life.
Patti B.
Hi Nicole. I've never commented on a blog before, but feel compelled to do so this time. I was reading "When Hello Means Goodbye" one day and stumbled across your blog. Although the circumstances surrounding your blog are devastating, your writing provides both an outlet for you and also gives your readers strength and hope. I'm impressed with your tenacity regarding Dylan's birth and life.
I most definitely don't have the answers to life and make dozens of mistakes, so I tentatively write this next part. There are many comments that say emphatically, "This is YOUR blog. You can say what you want. If Chad's family doesn't like it, they shouldn't read it." These are all true statements. However ... I find my admiration for your spiritual side dissapating as this continues. And once again, folks are completely right. I can stop reading. I know that you likely disagree, but a certain part of me feels like this is not a fair fight. You say that you don't want to drag anyone's name through the mud ... but just by virtue of writing that so many times ... ya kinda are. You've also mentioned Chad's "incredibly destructive choices," and other similarly worded statements. It doesn't leave a whole lot to the imagination. It is pretty clear what he did. I guess that my question/comment is this ... 1) I think that you are a good person, Nicole. It sure seems that way. I think that you are trying to do the right thing ... so ... 2) why are you choosing to air your anger over the Internet and potentially hurt your in-laws? No one would dispute your "right" to do this; however, I question the motive. When your posts first began speaking of the divorce, I really admired the way you were handling it and hoped that I could be "that person" someday. Lately, when you write things like ... "Father forgive them ... " it seems as though you are really placing yourself in a Christlike light. Don't get me wrong ... it doesn't sound like Chad would win awards for his conduct either ... but I do think that sometimes we get blinded to our own role. I know that this probably doesn't seem fair to you, especially with all that you've been through and also with what has happened to you with regard to your marriage ... but I do think that with a blog that has so many readers and "fans" comes a certain responsibility to the people you love (or loved). It has to be expected that they won't go down without a fight -- it's only realistic to expect their anger. It may help to turn the tables and think of how you might react if Chad started a blog, quoted scripture and criticized your sins -- using your real name and putting it out for the world to view.
Gosh, I hope that this doesn't upset you. Just maybe think of it as one other perspective from an outsider who may not know a thing. Nicole, as you know, you can totally write whatever you want to -- the question is ... whether it is good to write anything you want to.
I agreed with another of your readers who said that maybe it would be good to have a private blog at times. That way, you could write and alleviate these feelings, but you wouldn't be purposefully antaganizing your in-laws. Very sincerely ... DMS
Nicole,
I read your post, the night before last, and have prayed since that your readers could show you how much we all care. I have not lost a child, but I have been experiencing grief from loosing other family members. I read something yesterday that I thought I would share with you.....When you loose your parents, you are an orphan; when you loose your spouse, you are either a widow/widower or divorcee; but when you loose your child, there is no name to associate that loss with.
As you continue to work through your grief, I want you to know just how much your blog has ministered to me. There have been days that I didn't think I could go on, and I would read your blog and you would have just the right scripture or say the right thing that would help me out. God is using you in a mighty way and don't let man take that from you.
You are also doing what many grief counselors say to do, which is writing down your thoughts. I haven't been able to do that yet and I admire you greatly for being able to share.
I hope you find some peace and happiness during this holiday season and Dylan's first birthday. Your readers are praying and pulling for you.
DMS~
Thank you for taking the time to write a well thought out, insightful, yet loving, comment. You have many valid points that I do agree with! And, even if I didn't, I would still appreciate the THOUGHTFUL & COMPASSIONATE words of correction. (There have been a handful of not so thoughtful comments that I have rejected.)
It was never my intention or desire to go into as much detail as I have regarding the divorce. I believe in these highly intensive, emotional situations that it's best for both parties if all contact is dropped. Yet, I was still receiving inappropriate and impulsive comments and texts from the other party involved. I believe this issue has now been resolved due to my last post. And, I am grateful for that.
Thank you for being a voice of reason & helping me keep my heart and emotions in check! :)
Nicole
Just wanted to let you know that I do not hate you and never will. I just get upset when all I here from friends and family is why are you writing such bad things about me. I have never bashed you to anyone, and here you are bashing me saying that your glad Dylan isn't here! You blame everything on us losing Dylan, and yeah it has some to do with that, but there is way more into why our marriage has failed. Not saying that it is more one's fault then the other! Just want to let you know that I don't hate you and never will! I apologize!!
Heartbroken and praying for you...and admiring your unwaving faith and courage.
With love,
Erika
I found your blog through Shoulders and just wanted to say you sound like an amazingly strong person. God bless you.
Nicole,
As Christmas approaches and Dylan's birthday, I am wishing for NOTHING more than peace for YOU AND CHAD!!! I lost my first baby a month before Christmas and I was utterly devastated. Not with it being so close to Christmas, but from the time you fid out you are expecting, you begin dreaming your child's life. I was heartbroken that I was not going to be able to buy presents for my baby. A simple thing like that that people take for granted.
Please do whatever you can to find comfort in the coming days/weeks. You will certainly be on my mind.
From one angel mommy to another....
~~elizabeth
Nicole... I think you are very lucky to have so many insightful caring readers... Have a Merry Christmas and I will be thinking of both of your families as Dylans birthday approaches... Hopefully you will be able to share his video with us... I look forward to that :)
Nicole
I too can understand the great pain that an impending divorce can bring. The rejection, hurt and broken vows are enough to bring you to your knees. Keep clinging to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He alone will heal your hurts and allow you to experience joy and peace.
Like I said in my last comment, it is YOUR blog to write what you want. Whether today you feel at peace with things and then tomorrow you are so angry that you just want to let it all out - the blog is a great outlet.
I agree whole heartedly with the first comment. I haven't seen any trash talking on your blog, but if i were in your position, I'd be blowing my ex to shreds in my blog.
I think if it bothers him (or his family) then they should just stop reading and move on with their lives. Stalking your blog and leaving irrelevant or negative comments is childish - which I guess is what we should expect from a boy who left his wife because he wasn't man enough to deal with grief and help his woman through it. Sounds to me like they need to get a life and leave you alone. He wanted to leave you, but yet he hasn't done that.
oh sweetie! I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this on top of your grief. I will keep you in my prayers!
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