52 Weeks and A Choice.

It's been 52 weeks since the first and last time that I've held my son. I am thankful to be able to stand here today, and not be the same person I was before I met my child. Being a mom changes everything. And, being a grieving mom really changes everything.

Before I became a mom or a grieving mom, I was focused mostly on myself. Of course, I loved helping others, and caring for those whom I loved, but after I lost my child, helping others became my focus. Aside from praying, it was the only thing that relieved some of the hurt.

52 weeks ago today, I made a choice to give my hurt to God. I had read the verses before, but never was I so dependent on God. Never before was I so empty, so hurting, so alone in my grief. So, I didn't challenge God to show up on my behalf, I just trusted that He would. And, He did.

Every time I called, He showed up. Every need I had, He met. And, not only did He meet my needs, He went above and beyond what I thought I needed, and blessed me in more ways I could ever dream up on my own. Even though losing my child and getting a divorce was never in my game plan, I am grateful for all that I have been given. God didn't have to let my child live for seven hours. God didn't have to give us a chance to meet our child. God didn't have to fill that hospital room, to the brim, with pure love. God didn't have to give us the chance to hear our son's coos. God didn't owe us any of that. But, I'm grateful that He gave us those experiences.

52 weeks ago, I had a choice. I could choose to let God take me through the wild and crazy roller coaster called grief hand in hand, or I could choose to ignore it all, try to make it go away with my own superficial means, and still be at the same spot years later. I decided to take the leap of faith, trust God, and try to see the good in all the situations...because He promised He would never leave me. He promised to calm the storms of this life. And, I believed He would. And, He did.

Was it easy? Definitely not. There were many, many nights I cried myself to sleep. There were several occasions when I remember lying on the bathroom floor, wanting to vomit, hoping the knot in my stomach would disappear. The best I could hope for was that my chest would continue to rise and fall on it's own, due to my need to breathe.

There were times I was paralyzed in fear. There were times I was overcome with sadness. But I knew that wasn't the best God had in store for me.

52 weeks now, and I can say my son's name out loud. Immediately following his death, I couldn't. I loved hearing others call him by his name, but saying his name myself, I just couldn't do.

52 weeks and I look at my son's pictures and videos, and smile. He was so cute and so loved. And, I am so proud.

52 weeks and the thought of losing my own flesh and blood no longer consumes my every thought.

52 weeks and hours, days, and weeks go by that I don't shed a tear. The sadness is still there of course, but no longer overwhelming.

52 weeks since losing my child, and I am able to say...my cup runneth over. I have my joy back. I have my life back. I am able to laugh and smile with my friends and family again. And, I thank God He has calmed the storms in my life.



We will all have trials and tribulations in this life, but we have a choice. We can allow God to use each trial to make us all more like His Son, or we can go it alone. Totally alone. And with that decision, the best case scenario would be that we would enjoy a short lived life, full of superficial joy, on this, a sin-filled Earth. I can't imagine traveling this journey of grief without having the certainty in knowing I will see my son again one day. I can't imagine.

Thank You Jesus for giving me hope, in a hopeless situation. Thank You for saving me. Thank You for breathing life into my child. Thank You for blessing me beyond belief. Thank You.

Where You'll lead, I'll follow.

"He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. "Where is your faith?" he asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, "Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him."
Luke 8:25



Dylan,

Babies are pieces of their Mommy's hearts, and you'll never be replaced or forgotten. I am so grateful I was able to look into your blue eyes, and get to know you 52 weeks ago today. I am so proud to be your Mom. I am so grateful I'll get to hold you again. Miss you Son. Happy Birthday.

Love,

Mommy



*Dylan's video is up and running, ready to post tomorrow, his first birthday. I've already watched it a hundred times, but I know I'm pretty bias. :)