Chad has recently taken up the hobby of reading my blog. I had asked him in the past if he ever wanted to write a post, as I was sure my readers would want to hear what it was like to be a grieving daddy. He had always declined. Until now. Now, he feels I don't share with you how hard our life was. That I don't share the struggles we faced as a grieving couple.
While I believe the gruesome details of our bereavement should be left private, as this is now a legal matter, I would still love for Chad to have the opportunity to hear directly from you, with his very own comment section.
I respect that everyone grieves differently. I also respect that Chad has lost just as much as I did last December 28. Maybe hearing other people's opinions, besides my own, would help him in his grieving process.
So, dear readers, knowing that he now reads my blog and it's comments, how do you feel about sharing the same love with him, that you all share with me?
What is it that you would tell a grieving daddy? What is "normal" from your experience? Did you ever fight with your spouse because you grieved differently? Did you ever try to heal your pain from other forms of relief apart from God? How did that end up? Did you ever push your spouse as far away as possible in hopes of ending the pain of losing your child?
How about just because there were new adjustments to make since being married? Do you have any stories from your newlywed days? Were they all fun and laughs? Or does every couple have struggles? What is it that made your marriage succeed? Is it because you married a "perfect" person? Or loved, accepted, and committed to one another? Is it because your marriage is fun all the time? Or have you succeeded because you sacrificially love one another?
Hearing advice from me is out of the question, and has been for a long time.
So, blessed, beloved, blog readers...this may be your one shot at having an impact moment with Chad...I ask that you give him advice and shared experience out of love and compassion from your heart. This would even be a great time for blog "lurkers" to leave a first time comment, especially if you know him personally.
Chad,
The journey through grief is long, challenging, and painful. It is only when one can be honest with one's self, that true healing can begin. May my readers share as much love, honesty, and raw details of their struggles, with you, as they have with me. May you find comfort in knowing you're not alone.
Blessings to you, My Husband, and Daddy to our son Dylan.
53 comments:
You two were a beautiful couple with a PRECIOUS child. You both have been through so much and I say this from experience because my husband and I are in the grieving stages now. Our first year of marriage has been hectic. Welost Nolan, Dad has gotten real sick, job stress, health,money...ect. But at the end of the day we still have eachother. We sure do grieve differently and I have accepted that. All I ask from him is some extra patience and that extra hug and say "I know bae, I know" He shows his grief other ways such as visiting Nolan everyday or getting out and doing things Nolan will never be able to do.
Chris has been my rock, he may not know it...but I would be cluless where I would be without him. Because in the end, only HE knows exactally what I feel.
I hope the best for the both of you. I am just sad you guys have comeapart at a time you may need eachother the most. I am not saying we make it easy.... we have our moments. But I think the fact that CHris was close to losing me (HELLP syndrome) makes him thankful for what he stil has.
Im praying for you two. Lots of hugs being sent your way. (Sorry if this makes no sense..I have topost & run bc I am at work)
Chad...my heart aches for you and I don't even know you. I don't put tons of stock in psychology, but I know that men are wired to want to find a solution, and how hard it must be to not find one. I don't have words...I do have Scripture. Please read every word, every word is Life.
From Lamentations 3:
"I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is.
So I say, "My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the LORD."
I remember my affliction and my wandering,the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
And my absolute favorite verses, my life verses:
FOR MEN ARE NOT CAST OFF FROM THE LORD FOREVER.
THOUGH HE BRINGS GRIEF, HE WILL SHOW COMPASSION, SO GREAT IS HIS UNFAILING LOVE.
FOR HE DOES NOT WILLINGLY BRING AFFLICTION OR GRIEF TO THE CHILDREN OF MEN
Chad, please be patient with Nicole. She loves you. God can heal all. DON'T give up. Nicole has her mistakes and I believe she is willing to admit her sin. Please forgive her, and accept God's wondrous love and His plan for your life. Blessings from Dixon, CA.
I wish I could write something really insightful to you or Chad, but the biggest struggle that my husband and I faced (so far) in our marriage was infertility, which is nothing compared to what you guys went through. But I will say that, even with that comparatively small amount of grief, yes, we dealt with it differently, and yes, that led to resentment.
I think that is must be REALLY hard, even excruciating, to deal with extreme grief in a different way than your partner. Sometimes, it surprises me that anyone is able to make it through to the other side still together. I really hope that someone else can offer more comforting words to you two.
Cindy cont;
may God be present now and may you see that he has been by your side this entire time. In the days and weeks to come, may you see his presence in your life. May you forgive one another for the hurt that has happened and may you see the eyes of Christ in one another.
After twenty years, there are still hard times, but you stay together and work through them. You love will grow and change. It is said that a metal forged in fire comes out stronger, so to does a marriage. No one ever said it would always be fun and easy, but it is worth it. You have a shared history that can never be erased, you will always be a part of one anothers lives. May you find a way to love one another again. Praying for both of your healing.
Cindy
no one ever warns you that marriage and parenthood are hard work. I have been married nearly twenty years. At first it is fun, but then you realize that you are not the same. Your sleeping habits to daily schedules are different. You have to find the common ground and learn how to live together. No one tells you that some days you will wake up and ask "why did I marry you anyways" because you can not remember why at that moment.
There will be days when you will not like your spouse and it will take everything you have and more to be christian in your dealings with your spouse.
When something happens to your child, you will handle it differently. You will be angry that your spouse is not crying or is crying too much. They will not understand how you feel. One of you may need the other more than ever, while the other may just want to be left alone. If you are not careful you will hurt each other when you are already vulnerable. You know each others weakness and can hurt one another more than you ever thought you could. It is hard to understand how the other one is feeling, when you can't handle how you are feeling. Please take time and find yourself again, remember what you fell in love with in your spouse. That may take time. Find a counselor who you can talk to and work through your feelings. Respect that you are different people and your response to a crisis will be very different.
I fall apart before anything happens, running through every possible outcome, that way, no matter what happens, I feel that I can handle it. My husband does not deal with things until they have already happened. Our second child was born with a very rare patterning of birthmarks on her head that required multiple surgeries out of state, with no guarantees that she would live. Before her surgeries I would "what if" every possible scenerio, my husband thought I was nuts and told me not to worry, I couldn't predict or change the outcome. Meanwhile, he acted as if nothing was wrong or happening. At first I was angry that he was not worried about the health of our daughter, but really he was just coping very differently than me. You see, I would get all my anxiety out before we got to the hospital, and be strong when she was in the hospital. My husband was strong until we got into the hospital and would fall apart once she went into surgery. We coped totally differently. I guess in some ways that is good, he kept it together before her surgery and I did after. It took alot of time and counsel to realize that we just handle things differently and that our needs in times of crisis are very different.
It can be hard to see that your spouse is grieving in their own way, one way is not right and one wrong or one better than the other, they are just different. It is very hard to support grieving that you do not understand, but it is important to respect each other where you are, at that moment. Over time you learn how to support one another, but that takes work. It may be hard to hear the same stories over and over, but that may be the way that one of you works through their grief. It may be hard to realize that one of you may just want to walk away and act as if none of it happened, but it did and eventually you will have to face the life and death of your child.
I hope that you will put a halt to any legal procedings and give each other time and space to grieve and heal. Find counsel for yourself and work through what you have been through. Look back at old photos and remember the person you fell in love with, they are still there, just covered in a blanket of grief and anger. It may be hard to see that person, but they are there, they may have changed because of the experience, but so have you.
Cindy
Please remember that God the Father knows your pain. He lost his one and only Son. Remember that if you choose a life lived for that Son you too will be reunited with you Dylan, just as God the Father was reunited with his Son.
Divorce and death are nasty! They both leave the person with a raw wound. Yes in time that wound will heal. But you will ALWAYS have a scar. What caused the wound will always be a part of you and evident by the scar. You will never ever be free from the scar and you will never forget. True lasting relief from the pain will come when the wound is allowed to heal. If you pick at the scab and allow it to become dirty it will NEVER heal. Eventually the infection will poison you and kill you. Seek out true healing.
God the Father has the same wound; as the great Healer he can heal ALL of you. The broken hearted father and husband. Seek him out!!!
Julie
I don't know either of you and I have -zero-experience with losing a child. However, I have been married for 9 1/2 years and married under odd conditions. I met my husband in Dec. 99, got pregnant April 2000 and married June 2000. In a 13 month time period I met my husband, got pregnant, got married, bought a house and had a baby. My husband and I never dated. Due to not knowing each other well, I can say that we stuggled a great deal the first 2 1/2 year of our marriage. I can say those times were never fun. Now, I can look back and say with 100% certainty that I am glad we did struggle and never gave up. My circumstances are nowhere near as difficult as yours, but if you got past the stuggle you might find that it would be the best decision you ever made-even if it is not from a religious point of view. You need that someone in life who will carry you when you can't go on-who better that person than your spouse?
This situation is so tragic on so many levels and I read before the statistics of divorce after the loss of a child is pretty high. I would highly suggest to fight against being a statistic. However, I am only a reader and only the two of you know what is best for you and your circumstances. Wishing you both the best.
After losing our twin daughters, my husband and I were so close. As time went on, things started to change and as I was still lying in bed for days at a time, he was out and about acting like nothing had ever happened. That was the hardest part for me- I felt like he didn't care and I was still in the deepest levels of grief. It took a lot of reading, talking and argueing for both of us to realize that we were just going to grieve differently and we had to support each other whatever we were feeling if we agreed with the other person or not. There were going to be days that he acted like he had "moved on" and there were going to be days when I cried all day- even if it was 6 months after the fact. Grieving a child is so difficult- I can't even imagine adding the first year of marriage into that scenario as that is also a time of huge adjustment. I am praying for you and hoping that time will heal both of your hearts.
I am a blog lurker and although I don't know all your personal details, I will say that I have been married for almost 7 yrs now and we have our ups and downs. When I look back at our 1st year of marriage, I can't believe we are still together today. The first year is hard and with what you two went through, it would be so much harder, I can't imagine your loss and I pray for you two every day. Last year I lost my father unexpectedly. I had and still am having a very hard time with that loss. Although my husband loved my dad, he doesn't understand what I feel and I get angry with him for that. I get angry with him for not saying what I want him to when I want him to say it and I get angry with him for not being there when I want him to, even though I don't tell him. I have put him through a lot this year and I know that, and I appologize to him for that, but we still try to make good times in between the bad. We try to enjoy each other as much as we can and we try to talk and understand each others feelings as much as we can. Marriage isn't easy, life isn't easy, but it is nice to have someone by your side while you work through the hard parts. I understand that you both have made your decisions, but I pray that you can at least try to remain civil to each other if not friends. You both have been through a lot and you will always need each other. You are they only two people on this earth that know what it was like to be Dylan's parents.
I am a lurker! I would encourage you to remember the love you once had for each other. My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years but our first year of marriage was very hard. We both had many needs that we thought would be met once we were married but that did not happen. Instead we were both left with empty spots in our hearts and soon anger began to fill those spots. It was a very hard time for us until we realized that love is enough. If we had love in our hearts instead of anger or hurt then it seemed that some things just weren't that big of deal and the other things just seemed to work themselves out. We are still going through a time of adjustment because we were blessed with a baby girl in May. Now we have totally different needs that we are parents and we are working again to find the best way to love each other through this time. For us a huge thing we learned is that although we need love every day the way that love is shown or felt might need to be totally different every day. There isn't just one single way of loving someone, true, love needs to be unconditional, but today I might need to be loved by him holding my hand. Tomorrow I might need to be loved by him doing the laundry. He might need me to love him by getting dressed up for a date or encouraging him. So our motto through all of this has been: Love is Enough. Because in the end, it really is all about love. We believe that it is not that you stop loving someone but that you stop working to love them and that is where the problem begins.
I am convinced that a grieving couple is drastically different than a married couple, but since I have followed your story and am a wife and mommy, I thought I'd stick my nose in this post. :)
I remember when I was young, I was realllllly mad that my parents were divorced. When I was about 10 years old I heard that marriage was a 50/50 deal and if that wasn't the case, then divorce was absolute. Then after watching many of my friends parents get divorced over the next couple years, I had a thought. Why is marriage 50/50? Doesn't 100/100 make more sense? Without 100 percent from each person, the marriage for a lifetime will never work. I brought that ideal into my own marriage, and we've been married for almost 9 years, and together for almost 14 years. We married very young (23 yeas old), and were prego within a few weeks.
In the end, marriage is rewarding, safe, difficult, confusing, frustrating, exciting, and every other feeling that a human being can experience. Also, a person owes it to themselves, their spouse, and in cases of divorce, to their future spouse, to fully work out the marriage. That often means divorce, which in my mind isn't necessarily a bad thing, but ending without excess emotional baggage can only benefit the future.
I wish BOTH of you peace in your decisions with continuing the marriage or ending the marriage. I can only imagine, given your circumstances, how difficult this time must be. No matter what, you both deserve the best in ilife. Keep your heads up high... Dylan deserves it!
I've never lost a child so I'll leave that for others.
I've only been married 6.5 months and let me tell you, it's not all peaches and cream!! We get along great, but there are days when we both just want to rip each others heads off. There have been a few rather huge heated arguments that left one or both of us in tears. And its weird because those usually happen on our special days or anniversaries!!
While we are best friends, there are times that we just want to be away from each other, which I know is okay, but it's not something anyone told us we should expect! That surprised us that after a month or two we were just ready for some "me" time.
Hope that helps a little :)
Lurker posting :)
We've been married six years. Every year has been hard. Every year has been harder than when we were single, and when we were dating. And yet, every year has been better than before we were married. Not b/c it's been easy, but b/c we've grown - in our love, in our knowledge of one another, in maturity, in patience, in forgiveness.
We're not perfect people. We live imperfect lives in an imperfect world, waiting for the day we will be fully perfected in Christ. We persevere b/c he sustains us - b/c we made a covenant with him, and with one another before him - for better or worse - easier or harder.
Even in my worst moments of bad behavior as a wife, and in my husbands moments of bad behavior as a husband, God sustains us - through pain, sorrow, anger, fear, and sin. And b/c he forgives us, we can keep forgiving one another - every single day, every single time - over and over and over as we bear with one another.
Hang in there. Press on. Don't give up b/c it's hard. It is worth persevering to the end.
I don't remember how I came across your blog probably a year or so ago, but I have been reading your journey ever since. My husband and I were in the midst of infertility and had begun an adoption. In July, we discovered that we were pregnant! A miracle child who was never supposed to be able to happen! Just last week, though, at our 20 week ultrasound, we received the devastating news that our little girl has multiple conditions that are incompatible with life. Her little heart keeps beathing, though. We, like you, are choosing to continue our pregnancy and let God take our baby, Whitney Jill, home when He sees fit.
I have no advice on the grieving, as our process has just begun, and I must say we are not so good at it yet... just lots of tears and trying to stay healthy ourselves. But I can tell you about the first few years of marriage....
Everyone says your first years of marriage are supposed to be the best... lots of sex, lots of love, lots of laughs and late nights together. Our first two years were the exact opposite! We dated for three years and were engaged for 9 months and it was a great time of dating. However, once we were engaged and married, we'd never fought more in our lives! We had completely different views on what we thought married life would be like. We grew further and further apart, because we were each too stubborn to admit where we were wrong. My husband's love language is touch. Mine is acts of service. He would want to be physically close, but all I wanted was for him to take out the trash or do the laundry. We were complete opposites in every way. During our first 2 years, we were under a lot of stres... my hubby was still in Bible college and was also working the overnight shift at Sonic. I was working full time for a non-profit and making most of our income.
After two years, hubby got a job clear across the country. We moved away from all we knew and all our friends to a very unfamiliar place. It took a rough and rocky 6-month adjustment period (which involved me leaving in the middle of the night once, with no intention of coming back... I didn't make it far before I came back though) before we realized that we had vowed to be in this for life. We were not going to give ourselves the option of divorce, not matter how unhappy we were. We finally came to the realization that we are all each other has, so we'd better make the best of it.
Of course life is not perfect now, especially with our current circumstances. But we've been married 5 1/2 years now and those tough first years have no doubt prepared us for what we are currently going through.
Know that closest vision we can get of what Christ's relationship with the church is, is marriage. It is the mysterious phenomenon of two completely separate people becoming ONE. You breathe the same breath, you feel the same pain, and although you may express it differently, that pain is your common denominator. However, (and I know this is hard)... the common denominator whose power far exceeds even that pain is Christ. And keeping Him at the center of all you say and do is key to surviving the tough times.
I don't have it all together by any means... in fact most days, I lose it quite frequently. Just some thoughts from where I've been....
This will be a very long post. Very long. I wish it would be an email and Nicole, you may simply delete it. It is actually a story.
Four years ago, my eldest became pregnant with triplets. Very scary. Very high risk. One evening soon after, my youngest came to me and said that she too was pregnant. She was due at the same time. Because she had one child and had serious complications, my first thought was 'Lord, how am I going to handle all of this?' A split second later, my youngest said she was in the process of loosing this child. And she did. None of us grieved as we should have. None of us knew this child that the Lord was weaving within her as intimately as she did. None of us had the hopes and dreams and love that she did. Including her husband.
She grieved very hard was very angry at God because her eldest sister was being given the chance to have three children. Soon, I began to see a difference in her. I became concerned because at work, she was supervising men. She was vulnerable. She was moving away from her faith and her family. She found someone to 'comfort' her. I began to suspect while her husband did all he could to protect her reputation. Finally, he could protect it no longer. On her birthday, she left her husband and moved in with this other man.
My oldest was having high risk problems. She was hospitalized. I was attempting to encourage her yet we were all grieving the choice my youngest had made. I walked through the bleakest time of my life. I wept and wept. At 31w, my eldest delivered and the only time I saw her cry was then because her sister was not there to share in our celebration and the long weeks ahead of NICU life. It was hard.
During this time - from Feb. until March - my son-in-law had been meeting with our pastor. He had patiently waited and prayed and became even further entrenched in our family. Even when we gave up, he never did. He had a peace about him. One day I too came to the point where I told God that Satan was having victory in my daughter's life, but I would not allow that in mine. It changed my perspective and emotions.
In April, my youngest daughter pulled up to our house with her car full of belongings. We respected the place where she was at in her life and allowed her to live in a cabin that we had. She later told us that she felt God pulling her out of that situation and knew she had to leave that day. There were weeks of strain and tension. She went to counseling too. In May she and her husband came to us and told us she was expecting again - but it was the other man's child.
One year later my daughter and her husband stood in front of our church and dedicated Juliet Rebecca Katherine to the Lord. My daughter asked forgiveness from her church family. She shared how God told her that His grace was sufficient for her. And it was. He ever gives and forgives. They have been given several opportunities to share their testimony and counsel people in the same situation.
They have a small garden at the front of their home in memory of the baby that we never knew. Sometimes I long for that child. That child is forever missing.
Chad, if I could say one thing to you it would be, God's grace is sufficient. He too lost a son. He too grieved. He desires us to be Holy, not always happy - Holy.
His grace IS sufficient.
Chad, I don't know you, but I do know your wife. Here is a story that may or may not help you. My husband and I had struggles with alcoholism getting between our marriage. Even though it is definitely FAR different than what you are going through as a married couple, the pain and suffering of losing someone is the same. I lost my husband for awhile to alcohol. 2 years. We are STILL dealing with this pain, even though he has been sober for 1.5 years! We both had a part in this, and we both had pain through this process, and still do! The only way we got through it was for both of us to step up: 1. for him to recognize his problem weighing on our marriage 2. for me to realize I made a commitment that is a lifelong commitment with him, and for me to support him, made all the difference in his success! 3. Centering the Lord in our relationship has proven to us marriages can be forever, and pain and grief can start to be shed, even when the love of your spouse can't take that away, because the LORD GOD is Always there.
I pray both of you can realize that marriage is WORK and CHALLENGING, and there is NO marriage that does not go through struggles and pain! I pray both of you will feel the Lord with his arms around you, and KNOW He can take your pain away. I pray you can overcome this grief more and more each day.
I am a long time blog lurker and don't know either one of you but I would like to share my opinion. My husband and I will celebrate our 7th Anniversary next week and we have three wonderful children. We have never lost any children so I have no idea what you are going through but I can tell you it is all worth it. Do my husband and I have a perfect marriage, no way but we do love each other and told ourselves before we got married that we would be together forever. There have been many times when things were tough and we both wanted to leave but you have to communicate and work it out. It always helped me to remember why I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and to remember the vows I made before God. Life is not always easy and not always fun, sometimes it just plain sucks but you work through the bad times to get to the good times. I wish you both all the love in the world and hope you both can have faith and peace.
Amy from Iowa
Our first born (a son) died was born prematurely and died during the first few months of our marriage. It is hard, really hard. It has been 15 years but seems like yesterday in many respects. I remember coming home from the hospital empty handed and both of us laying on the living room floor sobbing. It hurt SO BAD. The grief process was long, painful and ugly at times. Our first year of marriage was not blissful by any means.
It breaks my heart to see you in this place. You have been through so much together. Marriage is not easy. Grieving is not easy. No matter what happens in your relationship life will always be different. You will never be able to get the innocent days you had before Dylan was born back again whether you are married or not. You will always look at life through different eyes. You are bonded for life through Dylan whether you stay married or not. Throwing away your marriage will not end your pain and suffering you will just suffer alone without the only other person who truly understands by your side. You can't bring Dylan back but you can honor him by loving eachother even when it is hard. Please contact us if you would be willing to have a personal conversation with us (we live locally). We have been through a lot in our 15 years of marriage and would welcome the opportunity to share in more detail what we have learned through some difficult times.
Hi Chad,
I really think that this would be better accepted and understood if it came from my husband but since he would NEVER write a blog or comment one, I will. :-)
My husband and I lost our 13 day old son about 3 months ago. Although we've been married for almost 6 years, I must say, you never really know a person until you're face with such a tragedy. I've seen him step up to the plate when I never thought he would (while our son was still alive). But I've also found a side of him that I can't seem to understand. We grief so differently. I could talk about my son all day long. He never wants to talk about it. I could spend hours in our son's room. He would rather never go in there. I want to post pictures of him throughout the house. It's too hard for him to look at.
At first, I was very bitter about the way he handled our loss. It still hurts when I really need a shoulder to cry on and I feel that I can't go to him because he don't want to talk about it. I'm learning to accept that God created us differently. There is no right or wrong way to handle such a tragic situation. I still struggle with idea that... If I do my part to NOT talk about it, he should do his part to help me by sometimes talking about it.
From my readings and experience, loosing a child is one of the hardest things a marriage will face. Everyone's situation is different but I do want you to know that we are all different and we all grief different. I try to never do things that are unreasonable and try and justify it with my grief. But my
"unreasonable" and someone elses "unreasonable"- also - is different.
I do notice that people ask more about me than they do him. I guess it's the way the world has been taught. Not that Daddy is ANY less important than Mommy!! I guess, that in our case, it's probably because Daddy chooses to not let his emotion been seen - and in some way - that may make people think he's dealing with it all ok? I don't know. As for Mommy - I can probably count on one hand the days that have passed that I DIDN'T cry. Everythings reminds me of my son. I still cry alot. I've only seen my husband cry once.. maybe twice. But I know he misses our son. He just handles it differently.
I don't know the entire story of what all you and Nicole have been through. I do know that even though I don't agree with how my husband deals with our situation, I would be crushed if we were going through a divorce.
Please know that you are being prayed for. Take it one day at a time, depend on the Lord. He is the only true comfort we have in this world!
Hey, guys. First time commenter, here.
I have never lost a child but I am in the field of counseling and know that many, many people face struggles like yours within their marriage. It is gut-wrenching to lose a child, and I really can't imagine, but what I do know is that cutting yourselves off from one another is not going to "fix" it or make any pain you feel go away. Sometimes people think that by cutting people off who contribute to painful memories that it will lessen the pain associated with those memories. Unfortunately this just isn't true. Time is the only thing that will heal your hurt.
Marriage is never easy and you guys have thrown in the pain of loss to boot. Love is not a feeling, not an emotion. It is an action and you have to make the choice to love the people around you. Some days it comes easily but in marriage, most days it takes work- ALOT of work!
Hey Chad,
I can't comment on marriage, because I'm not married.
I can say thank you for letting us blog readers in on Dylan's story. It was evident from the beginning that you and Nicole loved him so so much. I can't imagine how much it hurt to lose him, and I'm sorry.
Praying for you and Nicole.
Kim
Chad
Nicole and you were always a couple that I envied when all of us would hang out. I saw what you both had and what I wished Jon and I had more of that. Although Jon and I never had children and some choices we both made caused our marriage to dissolve I understand how traumatic divorce can be. I still wish I had done things differently with Jon, but I cannot change that now. I will always love the time we had together and love all of the people I met through Jon. But what I found hurts the most is when your friends who you need in difficult times aren't always helping in the ways you need them to and may seem to bring more hurt how they are trying to help you get through rough times. Your friends are good people, but sometimes bad choices are made even by the best of people.
You need to grieve Chad, and this does not mean hitting the bottle every night in someone's garage, or being self destructing. This means turning to someone who is a neutral party, reach out for help Chad, there is nothing wrong with admitting that you are hurting and you need some direction. I saw the love that Nicole and you had for each other, I cannot say that I know what happened to break your marriage down. But I know that even the strongest people need to reach out for help sometimes and there is no crime in that. Don't allow yourself to keep self destructing, allow yourself to grieve for Dylan, to make amends with Nicole so you both can remember the love that you have for Dylan.
The holidays are going to be hard and you can't get through this alone. Reach out Chad, even if it is out of your comfort zone. Your strong and so is Nicole, if anyone can overcome life's challenges and life's losses it is the both of you! Take care of yourself!!
My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years. We have five children, and lost a baby in August of '05. We both grieved it VERY differently, and while it was frustrating to both of us at the time, neither one of us was wrong to grieve the way we did.
The first year of our marriage was fun, but also very very very difficult. Trying to figure out how to live with each other and deal with the other's bad habits, etc, was very hard. A lot of horrible words were screamed at each other. A lot of nights were spent crying. Many times, I would leave our apartment (before we had cell phones) and not come home for hours...my husband had no idea where I was and if/when I was coming home. It wasn't easy, but I can tell you, without a doubt...It was WORTH IT. It sounds like such a cliche' to say that we love each other more now that the day we married each other...but thank God that we do!
Marriage is not easy. The first year is soooo difficult. Losing a child, especially in the midst of a new marriage, is one of the hardest things I believe anyone can experience. But you CAN find your way back to one another. It is not too late...don't let pride get in the way.
Chad (and Nicole)
I don't know either of you, and I don't remember how I stumbled upon this blog, but I have been following your story for a while now. You are both often in my prayers, and I pray that God will draw you both closer to him as you go through this. Our God is MIGHTY. He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask and imagine, and I know he can heal the hurt in your life. You both are SO loved, not only by your family and friends, but by all of us who have followed your story. You will continue to be in our prayers.
I'm very sorry the two of you are going through this. I'm even more sorry that you aren't going through this together.
My husband and I lost our first baby because of a miscarriage. We grieved differently, for sure. We were both so sad about what happened, but my husband is so not-good with emotions that his only way he knew to comfort me was to initiate sex. I was obviously NOT ready for that kind of thing, and that caused lots of pain and fighting. To me, it was like he didn't care what happened, like "Oh, let's just make another one." But to him, it was his way of being close to me to let me know he was there for me.
Also, I was extremely weepy and would spontaneously cry, even in public. He's definitely a hold-it-in-til-you-explode type of person, so my way of grieving bothered and annoyed him. I remember him getting so mad at me because I started crying in the middle of Taco Bell, and I remember not understanding why he didn't cry about it anymore... it made me mad that he was as "over it" as he seemed to be. He wasn't over it. Neither of us are, so many years later. You don't get "over" it.. you learn to live with it.
We're going through something similar now... only this time, we're pregnant with a little boy that has been diagnosed with Trisomy 21 (Down syndrome). We're grieving the loss of what we expected "normal" to be. We're grieving for him, because he won't be like his 2 year old brother, who is typical and extremely smart. And we're grieving differently. The difference this time, though, is that we've been together for almost 9 years now, and we know each other so much better now.
I can't change your mind about what you're deciding for your family. But if I could, I would beg you to please not give up on your family so quickly. Things are terrible, tough, hard... marriage, baby loss, grief, finances, family burdons... the whole lot. It doesn't get easier with anybody else, either. The problems you have? They'll still be there in the arms of another woman. Sigmund Freud says our beds are crowded, and it's so true.
More than anything? I guess I would want you to know that you and your wife are normal people in an extremely abnormal situation. I don't know anybody who could blame you for trying to hide from your pain. It's too bad that pain is really good at hide-and-seek, though, because it ALWAYS finds you, no matter where you hide. I hope you don't feel bombarded by a bunch of people who don't know you, giving you our life stories, but I hope, in some way, it changes your heart.
I have mixed emotions about this. On the one hand I think maybe Chad shouldn't be mentioned if there are legal issues. On the other, I think it is very generous and loving of you to take responsibility for your part (whatever it may have been) and still try to share love with Chad.
Not sure if you guys ever went to counseling but even if you proceed with the divorce I think it would be beneficial.
I am praying not only for you, but for Chad, too, even though I was disappointed to learn he didn't want to be married anymore. I'm confident the only way he can be healed, or any of us for that matter, is by the grace of God.
Good luck to you guys. You both deserve happiness.
I've been following Nicole's blog from the very beginning. It has been so very inspiring to me and helped me to deal with my loss. You both were so very strong for Dylan!
My husband and I have been married for nearly 5 years and dated for 6 1/2 years before we were married. Marriage is not easy and is in fact very hard work. It takes lots of understanding as we both see things quite differently. It is true what they say men & women are very different!
We have been blessed with being pregnant 5 times in the past 4 years. Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and we were both devastated. Our second pregnancy resulted in the love of our lives, our son Blake, who is truly the joy of lives. He is truly a blessing! Our third pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and again we were devastated. Our fourth pregnancy was going fine until we found out at our 20 week appointment on Good Friday of this year that there was no longer a heartbeat.
It was the worst moment of both of our lives. I had to go through labor and delivered our baby girl, Brady Marie, she was absolutely perfect! After that weekend my husband didn't want to speak of it again. I know my husband thought I was going crazy over the course of the next few months. I would start crying at the drop of a hat and talk about what she would have looked like, who she could have been and it really bothered him to hear this. He said that I was bogging myself down with it and needed to move on. His way of dealing with his grief was to pour himself into his work and to not talk about her at all. It was very hard for me the way he handled the loss of our daughter. I was so angry with him for such a long time at the way he handled his grief. I've come to realize that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It just is and it totally sucks! It still isn't easy and I know as her birthday and the holidays get closer we will struggle with our feelings but we will have each other to lean on. We aren't perfect and don't act like we are, we just love each other and will do the best we can with God to help us through. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and even though he doesn't say it I know that my husband thinks of her too.
We are currently pregnant for the fifth time and are expecting a new baby the end of March. We struggled with a wide arrange of emotions with this pregnancy from fear to excitement to everything in between. We are looking forward to our new child and for Blake to have a little brother or sister to play with but this child in no way replaces our little Brady. She will always be our little angel and one day we will all be together again.
Nothing can ever replace a child that you've lost. Nothing will ever replace your precious Dylan. Nothing - not work, not alcohol, not running and hiding from your emotions, and definitely not pushing away all those who love & care for you. The only way to deal with your grief is to face it head on with those you love and God. God will help you through because he is always here with us to guide us and love us. Nothing we do will ever make him turn his back on us!
Don't be scared to face your feelings and to deal with the loss of Dylan. There is no greater pain than that of losing a child. Please reach out for help! Call a friend, go see your minister, call a counselor, contact who ever you feel can help you! Know that I am praying for you & Nicole because I know just how very difficult losing a child can be.
God bless,
Stacy
I dont know either of you personally, but have followed your story for a long time here and want you both to know that I'm praying for you to get through this hard time and find peace in whatever way you can through both the grieving process for your son and the grieving process for your marriage.
My husband and I lost a baby to miscarriage. My way of dealing with it was a lot of tears, praying, and talking about the baby that SHOULD have been. His way of dealing with it was essentially acting like it never happened and preparing for our next child (who was eventually conceived and born healthy). We still, 3 years later, disagree about the 'right' way to have handled that. I STILL grieve that baby. He/she was my child as much as my live children. What helped us was prayer and keeping this quote at the forefront of our interactions: "Attack the issue, not each other." Loving each other sometimes doesnt feel like enough, but sometimes..it's all you have.
Hi Chad,
My husband and I have been married almost 20 years. The first year was extremely hard and we didn't even have the loss of a child to deal with! Problem was we were both very independent and headstrong. Both wanted to make the other person turn into something we thought they should be. Over our 20 years we have dealt with having our first two children born sick and having to stay in the hospital, suffering a miscarriage, having a third child, and then having twins born 2 months early and in the hospital for 1 1/2 months. Gradually we drifted apart and instead of the loud fighting we just resorted to being roommates. Then we sufferd a truly life changing catastrophe. That took us out for almost 2 years and we dealt with it very differently. I was forced to take on all responsibilites and he had to become very dependent. Three years later our roles eventually righted themselves but we were very different and no longer the same people. I will tell you with utmost sincerity that attending "A weekend to remember" by Family Life was lifechanging. For the first time we understood what marriage was supposed to be and what our assumptions, hurts, lack of dealing with all the things we had been through , and just general miscommunications, as well as all the tragedies we had been thru: had actually done to our marriage. I would 100% recommend that if you have any thoughts at all of trying to make your marriage work, attend "A weekend to remember" conference! It will truly change your life! Truly! I hope the two of you will consider it because it is difficult to watch the two of you suffer so.
Hi Chad and Nicole,
I am so happy to have a chance to comment... honestly when I first heard about your separation (I am a lurker here) my heart was so saddened. We too lost a son. He was our 5th born... born October 30th, 2008. But when I heard of your divorce... I just wanted to tell you to fight for what you have as a married couple. I don't know either of you but could see the love you have for each other and Dylan. Marriage is hard in the best of circumstances... but so much more so after the loss of a child.
You are made so differently. My husband always refers to it as man village and woman village:) It is so true. I could count on one hand the amount of times Greg has cried. Yet I know how much he loved Samuel and still misses him. It is so different for me. I still cry every day... a whole year later. I knew Samuel so much more intimately than Greg yet we both grieve his loss deeply, just differently.
I just want to encourage you both to fight hard for your marriage. It is not always a bed of roses... but so worth it. I can say that 16 years and 5 kids later. Sometimes you feel it might be easier or that the grass is greener. But it isn't. The pain from the loss of your son will be there regardless of what grass you are looking at. I think it would be easier to walk the journey together not alone.
I am praying for you both. Let God bring you together and bring you healing in His time. Much love and prayers to you both!
Sara
To you both,
As someone who knows you both it breaks my heart to hear what is happening. You guys have been through some major struggles and it amazes me the strength that you both had together.
Marriage is not always fun and games but takes work and commitment to each other. When the hard times come you have to work through them together and realize that neither of you is perfect. Remember the good times and why you got married in the first place.
I encourage you both to get together and try to work things out- take it slow- start with a date night- start with talking about the future and then move on to working on the past. I know you have lots of friends and family that are very sad to see this happening.
You are both very strong people - which is great, but also don't let this get in the way. In marriage you have to be humble neither of you is right all the time. And as always take it a day at a time.
Chad-
Everyone grieves differently. Some choose to not grieve because it makes you vulnerable to feelings that you don't want to admit to. It's hard for some to express what they are going through and dealing with when they risk opening themselves up. It's uncomfortable for some. I'm going to suggest finding a counselor. Many people reject counseling due to old innuendo's that shrinks are for psychos. I used to think that myself. Being in counseling for over five years, I can say it's the best hour of my week that I have. You can talk about Dylan. You can talk about Nicole. You can trust to open yourself up and figure out what you truly want and need. The more you put into it, the more you will get out of it. Hopefully you will find the love and peace that we each deserve.
Chad,
I am yet another stranger here to offer some encouragement. I can't even begin to be the voice of understanding, as I have not come close to experiencing the pain and the loss that you and Nicole have experienced over the past year.
I respect Nicole greatly for not sharing the details and the hows and whys of why your marriage is crumbling and for accepting responsibility for what she has done to cause this marriage to not work.
I have seen the way she has turned to the Lord for comfort and strength and pray that you, too, would seek Him to fill that void. I am not sure where you stand spiritually, that is certainly something between you and the Lord. If any kind of reconcilliation (whether married or not) is ever going to take place, you need to reconcile yourself with the Lord. You have to love him first. When you can show him love and feel his love, you are then in a position to love others.
There is nothing you can't overcome with the Lord in your corner. I've heard and seen so many "lost causes" who have tried the ways of the world...drugs, alcohol, sex (inside and outside of marriage), porn... who have tried to fill that empty spot with so many self-destructing things, only to find that Christ was the only answer.
Another comment wisely stated you will still have pain and will still remember in the arms of another woman. That is so true.
You don't have to be miserable for the rest of your life. You can make the choice to love the Lord and love yourself. The rest will come in time.
I have been married for 16 years now. After our second child was born I went through some severe depression. I probably should have sought help, but was too stubborn to admit I had any problems. Our marriage hit the lowest point possible during that time. We had questioned whether or not we should continue on in the relationship. One thing that we both remembered was divorce was never an option. It was not a word we entered into the marriage with.
We did not heal over night. Nor have things been perfect our whole 16 years. We make a choice every day to love the Lord and to love each other. He has given us the grace and the strength.
I pray for you and Nicole...I pray that you can both find your way back to a better version of who you were before. I believe our struggles and trials are to teach perserverance and to strengthen us...to make us better than we were before, to transform us more into Christ's likeness. I pray that losing Dylan and your marriage don't defeat you...that Satan will not have the victory in this situation...that you come back stronger than ever :)
Chad,
I have never commented before but have read and been touched by Dylan's life. I don't have any children and am not married yet. I don't have any advice to offer in either department but I just want you to know I'm praying for you. I'm praying for Nicole. And I'm praying for you both as parents of a beautiful little boy. I don't know your struggles but I know that I can pray to a God who hears all things on your behalf. Peace to you!
Women and men grieve soooo differently. I recommend a book that my pastor gave us during our pre-marital counseling....His Needs Her Needs. When I get upset and cry, my husband gets so mad. I asked him why he gets mad, and he explained that he hates seeing me cry. I take him getting mad as him not understanding why I'm crying or caring why I'm crying which leaves me bitter towards him. I want him to cry and act like I act, and he just doesn't work the same way I do.
I am 27 years old, and about 30 years ago my mom and dad delivered a son at 27 weeks that was stillborn. My dad never wanted my mom to get pregnant again. He didn't want children. He never wanted to see my mom in pain and upset again. My mom was persistent and wanted children more than anything. A year later she had my brother and I came along 18 months later. My dad was so thankful that mom didn't agree to not having anymore children because we are the joy of their lives. My mom always says that if their first baby survived I would have never been born since they planned to only have 2 children. She considers me a miracle. I have never been told exactly how my dad and mom grieved after the loss of their first son. I am sure it wasn't pretty. I am sure my mom was MAD that my dad didn't want to have anymore children and fulfill her dreams. That was my dad's way of preventing anymore pain, but it was causing my mom more pain in the end. Life is soooo crazy. It is weird to sit back and see how it all works. I don't know what will happen, but I do know my Lord and Saviour knew before the world was created that you and Chad would lose Dylan. I know the Lord has plans for you and Chad for His Glory.
When it comes to Losing a child thank God but I know nothing of that grief... Marriage on the other hand... That I have struggled with.
In our first couple years of marriage my husband and I went through it all... The instant newlywed happiness that lasted all of a month... the wondering okay should we really have done this... Trust issues... Money issues...Control issues...screaming fights... pushing ... throwing things...storming out of the house determined that you never want to go back...Saying mean and hurtful things in Anger... Getting so SO tired of all the fighting that you just stop caring... Begin living as roomates... totally void of feeling- Just going through the day to day motions wishing that this marriage would be over so that maybe you could be happy again...but too scared to take the next step of divorce... Although its been brought up many times.
Looking back I honestly dont know how or where it began to turn around... but it did. And am I ever glad that although leaving would have been SO easy at the time...I didnt. We have now been married 5 years and have 3 little boys. Do we love each other? Heck YES. Do we hate each other... occassionally... but there is no one I would rather rub my back when Im falling asleep :) Life can be hard and yes we still have some bad times where we wonder what the heck we got ourselves into... but we have alot more good times... I think marriage just takes practice and the longer you practice the better it gets... cheesy I know. I have no profound wealth of information only the experience that life isnt perfect... it can suck bigtime... but it can also get better given the chance :)
Dear Chad, my husband of three years would want to share his heart with you on these things too, if he were able to. We haven't lost a child, but I had a severe enough birth injury nearly one year ago that has impacted our marriage in such a huge way. Not only has it thrown me into a deep depression, but it has made any physical interaction impossible until I have surgery to fix my wounds (and we're in Canada, so that means waiting for healthcare). Honestly, I don't know how he does it. I don't know how he stays faithful or even how he stays in our marriage. I am so not easy to live with as I grieve the loss of the life I once had.
I really respect him for staying with me, even though I know this situation has been pretty hellish for him. Our church is actually paying to send us to marriage counseling to help us process all of this. We already had tough issues with being married (we were older; I left the States to move 2,232 miles to be in Canada with him, finances, etc), but suffering a pretty traumatic injury wasn't ever something he really imagined happening to his wife.
I have to admit that I haven't made it easy on him, and it amazes me that he stays with me through this. I know it is not easy for him, and that he's wrestled with anger, fear, and feeling like I don't respect him. (I am working on this! I do respect him, but I am not good at showing it.)
The counseling has been hard but so totally worth it. I truly believe it is going to get our marriage to a healthy spot that we've never really known. It's embarrassing, I guess, but we both would rather go through this than go through the break up of a marriage we believe was put together by God.
To be honest, my prayer is that God will somehow miraculously bring you and Nicole back together, healing both of your hearts. It must have been so painful to lose a son that you hardly got to know. I pray for you both.
My marriage ended after two years because my husband didn't feel it was "exciting" anymore, because the stress of a mortgage and care payment was too much, even because I had gained 10 pounds. But those are the normal things that happen in a marriage. Unfortunately, he turned an ran away after just that little bit of adversity. And, after just 4 months of "chasing", I, too, gave up and filed for divorce.
I am inspired by Nicole's dedication to you - I would have given up on you by now. Everyone's story is different - but you two have already gotten through some of the toughest stuff that a couple will have to go through.
If it is stresses of newlywed stuff, then I hope that you decide to put in the effort. If it is grief that is driving you apart, I hope the memory/legacy of your son will bring you back together. Yours and Nicole's journey is like no other - just as is your love. It truly doesn't get "better" than her. God Bless you both and your angel Dylan.
Chad my thoughts and prayers are with you, hopefully see you over Christmas!! Hang in there.. Heidi and Kyle
Hi Chad ~~
I must agree with the poster above regarding Nicole's dedication. I don't know either one of you personally, so all I do know is from this blog, which is written by Nicole. The both of you come across as amazing people and you both looked so happy in your pictures. Despite what is going on, it looks like Nicole is attempting to help in the grieving process ~~ if you are able to, please take whatever help you can along the way as it is a long and painful journey.
About 5 yrs ago my bf (now husband) and I got pregnant. We had the baby, a boy, when I was about 5.5 months along and sadly it was too early for him to survive. We did get married after that, just like you and Nicole. We did, and still do, grieve completely differently. Without getting into specifics, it has certainly been difficult on our marriage and I know that there are certain levels of happiness that are not being accomplished. You will never get over losing a child. The pain will never go away.
Seeming as I just have my experience to share and not really any advice, please just know that you are NOT alone.
I hope that you can find peace wherever you are and with whomever God puts in front of you. Dylan would want this for you.
Sweet Mommy and Daddy -
Through all the pain you've endured, have you stopped to think of yourselves by these names? Regardless of where you are right now in your relationship with each other, you are and will always be Mommy and Daddy to your precious Dylan.
You loved each other enough to embrace the pregnancy, get married and prepare yourselves to bring your child into the world, not knowing how long you would have to love him.
Upon delivery, you both gazed upon the child who was your son, a reflection of your union with each other. While Dylan was not meant to be yours for a long time, he was certainly a gift from God to his mommy and daddy.
I'm not someone with great wisdom, just another mom who has also traveled some difficult paths toward giving birth. As we endured infertility treatments and the loss of three babies through miscarriage, my husband and I seemed to maintain very different perspectives and responses to our feelings and levels of grief. More often than not, my husband didn't have a clue as to what to say or do for me, even how to support or comfort me. His lack of response would hurt my feelings or make me angry.
Through talking with others who had gone through similar experiences and with much prayer, my husband and I began to realize that we would probably never be on the same emotional plateau related to the loss of our children. Just because my husband didn't cry about our pregnancy losses didn't mean he didn't love and miss our babies. I often wonder why God made two people who love each other be so very different and yet so bonded by the life they created.
Chad and Nicole, in a very short time, you have endured amazing highs and lows in your lives. You are both young, and I encourage you to take a step back and allow yourselves time...time to process all that you've experienced, time to grieve the loss of your son and time to think about how you might like to move forward. Everything you've done up until now has been fast-paced. There is no longer a sense of urgency. I pray that God will grant you peace and calm to allow you to determine the best path for your lives.
Blessings to you both!
Lynne B.
Chad,
My husband and I were together 13 years when we lost our daughter. Even with all those years together it was harder than I ever imagined. I resented him at times. He didn't grieve like I did, and since he didn't talk about it I thought he didn't care. Everyone focused on me, and paid him little attention. He lost a child, too. His heart was broken as well. It's hard enough to go through that, but then to be basically forgotten is even harder. He actually had people tell him he should "be nicer" to me because I experienced a loss, but what about him? He did too. I think sometimes people forget the dads are hurting too. I can't imagine going into my marriage with the loss of my child so fresh. I can't imagine it. Marriage isn't always what you envision it to be, but with a loss it is 100 times harder. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please know that you are not alone. Please also know, that while all the horrible details haven't been written here, those of us who've experienced it know it is horrible.
Good luck.
Chad~
It is so hard for me to see what you and Nicole are going through. I can’t imagine the pain that both of you are feeling after Dylan’s loss. Grief is one of the most powerful emotions humans have and no one person deals with it the same. Niel and I have never had to deal with the loss of a child, although we have had many trails in our relationship. I just wanted to share with you that I understand how hard it is for you both, many people look at Niel and I and say what a wonderful relationship we have and how lucky we are. None of these things came easily. Niel and I started dating when I was still in the process of court proceedings with my ex-husband. Niel had a lot to deal with and accept when we first started dating. I went through a ten year relationship full of domestic abuse, drug and alcohol problems, infidelity, and I was a single mother of two boys under the age of three; one having severe medical problems, I still have no idea why he stuck around. I will be honest, after going through my first marriage I was hardened, I did not trust men, and I did not trust him. I kept looking for the ball to drop, there was no way he could love me with all of this extra baggage, and there was no way I was good enough to be loved! Our marriage has never been easy, we have had many bumps in the road and our journey continues to take different roads, but our love is all we ever need. Chad, I know what you are going through, sometimes it is easier to walk away than to chance fighting to lose in the end anyway. I know I don’t live within your walls and I don’t know what has happened with you and Nicole. What I do know is that you are a wonderful dad and Nicole is a wonderful mom, and you are both amazing people and friends. What both of you did for your little boy is amazing, not many people will have chosen the path you both did, you fought for him. Both you and Nicole are amazing people, but different people; I pray for the both of you that you find peace and understanding. Nothing worth having comes easily, I fight for my marriage and my children every day; and it is worth it every day! Remember what brought you two together, remember the love you share. Often times our perception is clouded by anger, so it is important to remember where you began. I wish the best for both of you, whether together or apart you share a bond that can’t be broken and you need to find peace in that. I love you both, and my prayers continue…..God Bless~ Abbie
Chad,
I have met you recently and have had many conversations with Nicole over the last 6 months. My husband and I just went through our own Trisomy 18 roller-coaster. We have been married 7 years and had a very difficult time getting pregnant. Going through the ups and downs of getting pregnant and then thinking everything is great, only to find out your child is so sick is devastating. I do not need to tell you that. It takes so much work to hold your life together and try to stay positive, whether you are newly married or not. Sometimes you need to really listen to your heart and forget all of the "outside" noise. Everyone has their opinion on your life and your situation, but only you know what truly is in your heart. I pray that you, Nicole and your families find comfort in the days that lie ahead. I know how hard it is to lose a child, and all of the emotions that run rampant, and all the off- comments that people make without thinking. Take care and know that you are not alone.
I have been reading your blog for a long while now and have shared in your pain - but have never commented.
My husband and I have been married almost 13 years. In that time we have lost one child and then went on to have two daughters, in addition to family problems, money troubles, two floods in our house, and the problems that most everyone has gone through at some time in their lives. Our oldest child has autism, Bi-Polar and other mental issues. Living with her is a daily struggle. My husband and I have different ways of dealing with her issues, neither right nor wrong.
Have we felt like giving up because it is too hard? NO. She's our daughter and totally worth it.
Have we felt like leaving the other parent saddled with all of the work because we're too tired? No because that simply isn't right! We both made her, she is both of our responsibilities.
Is it fun? Most days no.
Did we sign up to be parents of a child with multiple disabilities? No, but we wouldn't trade her for the world.
Is it fair? No, but who said life is?
Does it put strain on our marriage? Absolutely. Some days I'd love to send my husband to the zoo.
We are both committed to caring for our children, just as we are both committed to keeping our marriage strong.
Dealing with what you have been through isn't easy, we know that. But do you give up and walk away because it isn't what you signed up for? No!
Chad, I think you need to step it up and be a man. Walking way from your marriage because it wasn't fun or what you wanted isn't realistic or practical. Are you going to continue to run from things when they don't go your way?
You've got a woman who loves you and who will do anything for you. The least you can do is give her a chance.
Chad-
My husband and I meet and began dating in college and then were married after 6 years of dating. The Monday we got back from our honeymoon my husband was fired from his job. We had no money and we knew we could not make it on our own. That day we rented a truck and moved in with my parents. Newlyweds - living with my parents. It was utterly embarassing. We were able to get jobs and we started to get back on our feet and pay our $20 something thousand in debt.
Our one year anniversary (July 2007)came and we found out we were expecting our first child. It was so exciting! I did start to become a little depressed because we were still living with my parents and I would not be able to do all the fun nursery things or have a "nesting" phase. At 30 weeks I felt something was wrong with our baby. I rushed to the doctor and discovered our baby no longer had a beating heart. I was devistated and I had to call my husband to come to the hospital.
In 7 years (at the time) of dating and marriage I had seen my husband cry one time (he had gotten a DUI at 19) and when he came into that room we wept together - the first time we had ever wept in each others arms. We gave birth to our little boy, Hudson Greer Henninger, the next night on January 16, 2009.
It has almost been a year and we are still grieving. Some days are worse than others. It seems to be more rough on me, but I know my husband grieves just as much as I do. We both have faith and we trust in God's Will and His plan. There were some days that I didn't think I could go on and my husband was there to lift me up. Throughout the past 2 years he and I have faced so much, but it's those experiences that help build a strong rock and foundation that cannot be broken.
No, not everything in a marriage can be fun and exciting - it's not supposed to be. If it were how could we learn and grow and become better people?
The past month we finally moved into our own house - after 2 years of living with my parents. We have begun a new step in our grieving process because we are now expecting our 2nd child. There are so many worries and scares that we are facing. My husband is so confident in our new pregnancy and I have to lean on him for strength. Even as I listen to him snore in the bedroom I thank God for blessing with me with an amazing husband, man, and life partner.
I know that there are struggles in life. I know that it is hard being married and having another person in the equation to think about - add children and it becomes even more complicated....add one that dies, even more. God gives us a life partner that can help us on earth. Rely on Nicole and go through this journey with her. She needs you just as much as you need her.
I am praying for you both daily.
~Kimberly
Hi Chad, I could go into our whole story of loss too but I just wanted to tell you that you and Nicole are being prayed for by a lot of people you dont even know...and I hope that brings you a comfort, a peace! Blessings to you!
I, too, am a lurker. I sometimes stay on your site a long time to just hear the music you have chosen, Nicole.
I have not been married, nor have I lost a child. However, I do know what it is like to not have someone to feel the same about my children as I do, as I am a single mom. No one at the end of the day to tell my stories to who thinks they are as important as I do.
I have heard that the only thing one can do when another is grieving is sit with them, to cry with them, and to simply respond when they speak. That is the biggest comfort.
I do know how much of a comfort God is to me - to all of us. Because when it really comes down to it, married or not, we each have to get through everything on our own. No one can do it FOR us. We have to do it for ourselves. The only one who can really help us the way we need it, when we need it - is God!
I imagine that a great source of comfort could be just being beside one another. Knowing that each of you feel such love for Dylan and such pain and that it is important to both of you.
May God bless you in this time of adjustment and grieving.
Sincerely,
Nicole B.
Dear Chad,
Let me start with the obvious. Marriage is hard. :o) Marriage going through a tragedy like you have been through is magnified by 100.
My husband and I just lost a baby when I was 14 weeks pregnant in August. It has been extremely difficult on both of us and our marriage. We have been married 3 years, and together 8. But here we are, painfully broken, but together. We've chosen to stay and fight together, and sometimes separately. No two people grieve the same part of your grieving has to be done alone. It's just how it is. But, at the end of the day the amazing thing is, you still have each other to lean on.
I hope you can find healing and a peace in your heart. Losing a baby at 14 weeks was hard enough. I cannot imagine losing baby after I've held him in my arms.
I know your first instinct might be to push everyone away. To be alone. But, take it from someone who has had my fair share of grief, you do not need to always be alone. Take your time for healing, but remember, everyone else is healing too.
And for the prayer I say over my 19 month old every night I will say for you; "May the Lord bless you, and keep you, and make his face to shine upon you, and give you peace."
Amber
ive read all of these comments...
EVERY COMMENT is from a wOMEN...
The way a women sees it, not a man!
My wife wanted me to read this and comment to you about this...
I dont know you Chad, but these comments might not help you! For a woman, this blogging is a wierd but wonderful way of getting through things... (My wife does the same thing) and i love her for that! But MEN do things (most men) wAY DIFFERENTLY!! They dont read this stuff...
Seek help from something else, something higher, someone bigger. Gods grace, forgiveness, and love will get you through this. Go to a Godly male friend that you can confide in. Someone you trust. Someone who loves you. PRAY...
This "reading comments thing" is not going to make you understand or even help you at all!
Through God, the only way, You'll know what to do. May GOd be with you and help you on this path of life!
whats up chadius,
How have you been, my wife and I know you and Nicole very well. I still am in shock, and have very heartfelt feelings for the both of you. I have been praying that something would occur in both of your lives for a reconciliation in your marriage. I would like to say to Chad, that I have been married for a year and a half, and it has been the best years of my life. But, when I got married I told myself that all the fun days of partying and hanging out with friends, going away every weekend were over, the fun days with my wife and family are now to begin. At some point in anyone's life.... you have to grow up. IT HAPPENS. I would like to stress that it is not too late to save this marriage, anything that has happened can be forgiven. I promise that you will never regret trying to save your marriage and your LIFE. You need to start over, you must grieve the loss of your son, and remember the loss of your son is no one's fault, not even your wife, you both need to work together to grieve Dylan's life. You have friends and family that really love you and are willing to talk to you anytime, just find your real friends.
Believe in yourself, GOD, and your future. Only you can control these things.
In Christ,
Your friend
My husband and I talked about this and we both feel that there's no reason this marriage cannot be saved. There is no sin or act that is unforgivable. We don't know the whole story nor do we need to. God should be at the center of this marriage and both husband and wife should go to Him in prayer both separately and together. We both hope that God touches both your hearts.
I just found this blog (somehow I forget now), but I am moved by your wife's devotion to both you and your son. My husband and me have been married 3 years this month and have lost our firstborn almost 7 months ago. Honestly, since marriage, I have had known more heartbreak than my entire life, but married life will expose things about you that you never would have know otherwise. And since marriage, and fighting for it, I have known love and joy I would have never known otherwise.
I truly hope that you find some words in one of these comments that you can relate to. Our marriage has been blessed because we know we can do nothing apart from Jesus Christ. We learned that lesson the hard way, after a lot of trial and error. And no, it is not always fun. But good things come to those who wait.
As far as grieving, my husband grieved so differently than me but I never held it against him. It is who he is. He didn't love our Jenna any less.
I hope you don't lose something you'll regret one day.
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