The Dylan Diaries

Yes, I have a journal. I wrote a handful of entries this time last year, so I wouldn't forget any details of Dylan's sweet, short life, in or out of the womb.

In all honesty, which is what I aim for, these past few days have been hard. I have been leery to discuss them on here, as I know Chad and his family are still reading this blog. Not that it makes much difference who reads the ramblings of a grieving mom and wife, but we do have a legal case on our hands now. Unfortunately, it has become Team Chad or Team Nicole. But, I'm still going to be honest with my feelings. That's a part of me that will never change. After all, there are no guarantees in life, and sometimes it's just plain hard.

I have just recently gone back to grieving my son after being distracted with other forms of grief these last couple of months. When I think about this time last year, I tear up. It was an uncertain, yet peaceful time. I was excited anticipating the time when I could finally kiss and touch the baby that was growing inside me. But, scared that he might not get to see my face in return. Then my mind wanders to the fact that I am now travelling this road alone.

Chad and I are not on speaking terms. I miss the Chad that was at my side the day of our son's birth. I miss the Chad that knew exactly what I needed, before even saying it, on the day that we buried our son. I miss the Chad that was true to himself and those around him. I just plain hate remembering how much Chad, Dylan, and I felt like a family when I am reminded that instead of celebrating my son's first birthday with cake, ice cream, and a chubby baby in diapers, with his dad by my side...I will be visiting a cemetery alone. Instead of having fond, loving memories when I think about the day I met my firstborn, I am reminded of all that I don't have. And, that's almost too many layers of grief for me to handle.

NOVEMBER 9, 2008

"Dearest Dylan,

Last night you got to hear Reba & Kelly Clarkson! I think you liked their music, you moved around a bit!

This morning Dad & I slept in. We woke up to the first snowfall for the season! It wasn't enough where Dad has to go to work, but it's pretty!

We went to Grandma and Grandpa Wynsma's for lunch today. Grandma made burritos. I couldn't eat all of mine. Dad told me to eat up to make sure you were full. :) I told him, you were. I love it when he talks to you or about you. I can't wait for you to finally meet each other! He loves you so much baby boy!

Today is exactly 2 months til your due date. Time has gone by fast! I love getting to feel you & give you taps throughout the day. I'm so proud of you Dylan! You are a fighter! And you're strong! I look forward to seeing your sweet lips & nose in person. But until then, I'll try to show you all that I can. Sleep tight.

Love, Mommy"

I know I am just beginning a whole 'nother grief cycle, and that this is all "normal". It doesn't make it any less difficult, though.

I would absolutely covet your prayers to enable me to face the month of December with courage, dignity, and grace.

Blessings to you all.