Wednesday, October 14, 2009

DIVORCE.

Divorce. A word that I have never ever, ever wanted to be included with the story of my life. I believe that divorce is a sin. An action that falls short of the standards that God has set for us to follow. Just as any sin is. I believe God forgives our sins. I believe Jesus' Blood covers a multitude of sins, including divorce. With that said, I will give you a minute to scoop your jaw off of the floor...





Four weeks ago, I moved in with my parents.

Chad has asked to no longer be a part of this marriage. The reasons I was given: "This isn't fun anymore". "I don't want to be this miserable the rest of my life".

Since being separated, choices have been made. I have exhausted all my efforts. I have met with the Pastor. He says, biblically speaking, it is acceptable for me to walk away from this marriage.

Those are all the details I will give publicly. I will not drag Chad's name through the mud.

I will not hold onto bitterness, anger, resentment, or vengeance.

I have asked God for His forgiveness for the responsibilities I had in this ending in a divorce. I believe I am forgiven.

I have asked Chad for his forgiveness for the responsibilities I had in this ending in divorce.

I have forgiven myself for the responsibilities I had in this marriage ending in divorce.

I have forgiven Chad for the responsibilities he had in this marriage ending in divorce.

It isn't final yet. There have been no papers signed. But, the facts are evident.

I do not want war. I think of this as a truce. I want not to hold onto the bitterness that is so easy to feel right now. With each day, the resentment, the regret, and pity has faded little by little.

I wish nothing but the best for Chad and all of his family. Dylan will always bind us all. And, for that, I am grateful.

God is the Alpha and the Omega. The beginning and the end. I know He delights in overcoming evil with good. And, I know that He will.

Man in his or her weakness cannot always live up to God's ideal.

God, I know that divorce is wrong. I know it was not Your ideal for me. God, I confess to You my weaknesses and human failing that contributed knowingly and unknowingly to my divorce. God, I ask Your forgiveness for my divorce. Help me to know and experience Your love through forgiveness. Lead me to new growth and new beginnings in my life. Thank You Lord! Amen.

To all of our friends and family that have personally made sacrifices towards our wedding, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I am so appreciative, and so grateful for the support and love that Chad and I received during the loss of our son, and for the day that we became man and wife. THANK YOU.

And if you feel so inclined, I would absolutely covet your prayers during this, yet another season of grief. As birthdays and holidays approach these next couple of months, I know it won't be easy. But through Christ, I know I can do anything. I know the Peace that passes all understanding carried me through losing my child, and will yet again, carry me through losing my husband.

I will not go through this divorce, but I will grow through this divorce.

77 comments:

asplashofsunshine said...

Oh hon, wow. That is the last thing I was expecting to read. It sounds like you are searching for peace in the situation that you are in. There isn't much more that anyone can ask of you or you can ask of yourself. You'll be in my thoughts.

www.erinkelly.ca said...

Nicole, I have been a faithful reader for a long time now and I just wanted to say that you are *SO LOVED.*

I commit to pray you through this as best I can.

YOU. ARE. LOVED.

Jess and Krissy said...

Bless your heart. I've been reading for a long time but never commented. I am so very sorry. I'm praying for both of you as you walk through this.

Jaclyn said...

I'll be praying for you...You are a strong woman. You will make it through this storm!

Erin said...

Nicole I'm so sorry to hear, I think you have a very productive and positive outlook on how this is all going to happen! You'll be okay and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

shannon hinshaw said...

i love you sweetheart, sorry your both going threw this. your both in our thoughts and prayers.

bir said...

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this on top of your loss of Dylan. Sending you love and praying for strength for you x

Shelly said...

I am so sorry. I was really shocked when I read your post. I'm praying that God will guide you through this time and bring peace and understanding into your heart. You are a strong woman and you will get through this.

Dana said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I have followed for a while, but never commented. Praying for peace and heart-healing for you.

boltefamily said...

Oh my! I just have no words. I am so sorry you have to endure this too. I will be raying as you grow and heal from this.

Erin B. from VA said...

I am another long-time reader but first time commenter. I just wanted to let you know how much I admire you and love reading your blog. I'm so, so sorry you're having to go through this. *sigh*

Please know that you'll be in my thoughts. If it's okay, I'll continue to check in here - and leave comments instead of simply being a lurker.

Take good care of yourself. (((gentle hugs)))

Jessica said...

I've been a long time lurker...and I did have to scoop my jaw off the floor. Wow.
I'm so sorry, I will pray as hard as I can that you and he will both find peace and understanding through this difficult time.

Maureen said...

Oh, Nicole, you have my prayers and my respect. I'm proud of you for seeking support, we all need a shoulder here and there. Feel free to use mine . . . hugs.

Katherine V. said...

Nicole:

I have been a reader of your blog and I understand some of your feelings. In December of 2007, my husband and I gave birth to stillborn triplets after a roller coaster of a pregnancy. In reading your last blog my heart truly hurts for you both. I wish I could tell you something that would make you feel better, but only time will do that.A horrible cliche, but it is truth. I remember laying in bed at night at my lowest of lows and knowing that people were praying and hoping for us would bring me some peace. It seemed on some nights I could almost feel them hug me! I will pray for you both and whatever the outcome is, you will handle it and come out stronger! Use your loved ones; they aren't sure how to help you so let them know. They want to help so if you need shoulders to cry on or someone to make you dinner, tell them and use it! You would do the same for them I am sure. Let yourself be loved and it will get better.

Jorden and Kristin said...

oh my goodness. that was not something i was expecting to read. my heart breaks for you. please know that you are being lifted up in prayer right this minute and I will continue to lift you up in prayer.

Jus and Kat said...

Praying with you during this added grief in your life . . . I'm just so sorry!


Kat In Dylan's Memory

AmberS said...

Wow. This knocked the wind out of me. I am so, so sorry. You have been through so much and you don't deserve this. I have followed you from the week you found out Dylan's diagnosis, and I have and will be praying for you.

Lynne said...

Hi hun, I am so sorry that you have to go through this now. I do want to add a slightly different spin to this. Perhaps God allowed you two to distance yourselves from each other because it was no longer the best for you. He never wishes bitterness on us nor pain so perhaps this is his way of nudging you towards something better for the both of you. Even God changes things up from time to time. I will be praying for you and Chad through this difficult time. All my best, Lynne

Kimberly said...

I have read for a long time, but never commented before. I am SO sorry that you are going through yet another loss, after losing Dylan this must be so hard. Praying for you so much.

Gray said...

I'm yet another faithful reader that lurks. I was not expecting this and my heart aches for you.

I will be praying for you & Chad.

You. Are. Loved.
{{big hugs}}

Alicia said...

Nicole, you are being lifted up in prayer.....I am so sorry.... God will be with you through all of this... Lean on Him...just as you have been.

Jeannie said...

I have followed your blog for some time... I wish you nothing but the best during this difficult time and you will be in my prayers.

Beth said...

I am so very sorry you are going through this. I wish you strength and peace through this difficult time.

Erika said...

Nicole~
wow. I am stunned. Not only at another loss, but your grace and attitude throughout your situation. You are amazing and loved. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Erika

Mace and Brei said...

I'm so sorry for your losses. You are a so wise, respectful, and flat out precious. Praying for you.

Henninger Family said...

Once again - you are shining in as a child of God during such a difficult time. I will be praying for you as you go through this divorce and as you still grieve your sweet Dylan.

Krista said...

Oh Nicole- I am so sorry to hear this news. I am praying for you as I know you are still in the middle of grieving Dylan's precious life and now you will be grieving the loss of your marriage. May God grant you peace with the decisions that have been made. Keep us updated as to specific prayers that you need during this difficult and overwhelming time.

Kim said...

Nicole--
Thank you for telling your readers...we care so much. You are a courageous woman. Be kind to yourself.

Allie said...

Praying for you!

Becky said...

I am so sorry Nicole. I will be praying for the Lord's hand to be on both of you.

B and B's Mom said...

Wow, I am really shocked by this news. But, I shouldn't be. Losing a child is an incredible hardship on a relationship. I can not imagine going IN to a marriage with that weighing on us. I just couldn't. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and even with all those years "under our belt" it was hard. It has to be twice as hard when you are just starting out.

I am so sorry. I really am.

Kristen A said...

My heart broke in two when I read your news. As a divorcee, I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. To handle that with your motherhood journey,I pray you find solace in all of us around you and that you may find comfort in your son's angel wings.

Laura Ryan Caden Will said...

nicole- i too have been a "blog stalker" for quite some time. i lost twins and know the hurt that contains. i cannot imagine following that up with a divorce. know that we are all praying for you daily and will lift you up when you feel you are alone. your strength is astounding!

Laura said...

Oh sweet Nicole. I cannot imagine the pain your heart must be in. I will be praying for you and Chad. I wish there was more to say...know how loved you are sweet mama.

Sending love,
Laura

Lauren @ When Happiness Finds You said...

Nicole.

There are no words.

I will be thinking of you daily, and praying for strength of spirit.

Anonymous said...

So very sorry to hear about your latest heartbreak. You will be in my thoughts. Losing a child can be a terrible strain on a relationship.

There are no words to make things easier on you. Praying God helps you through this too.

Grandmaof8

Kylee Wesseldyk said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kylee Wesseldyk said...

I love you Nicole and I will always be there for you! You are one the strongest people I know. Any roadblocks that come your way I know you will make it through. Just remember God doesn't give us things we can't handle. You are in my thoughts and I will be praying for your strength through this...

Courtney said...

Nicole, I'm so sorry..You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm here if I can help or pray specifically in any way! Sending lots of love and prayers..

Kristen said...

heartbreak upon heartbreak...I will be praying for you Nicole. I've been reading your blog for about a year now and I'm not sure if I have ever commented. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Dylan, and now going through this. I will pray for you and for Chad. I'm so sorry for this pain you are experiencing...May you find comfort in our saviour, prayers that He will surround you with loving family and friends...

diplofam said...

Nicole, another blog stalker here, praying for you-especially as the anniversary of Dylan's birthday approaches.
Blessings,
Carin

Angela said...

Oh, Nicole, my heart breaks for you and for Chad. You will be in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Oh Nicole, I am so sorry. I will be praying for you both during this difficult time. You will make it through because you are a strong woman. Lean on you family, friends, and your faith in God.

Stacy

Anonymous said...

I have been a long time lurker of your blog. I felt your pain when your sweet baby went to Heaven as I, too, lost my firstborn. I have not been through a divorce, but I can only imagine that heartbreak.

BUT, I am SO uplifted by your words. You are strong, courageous and a beautiful person (inside AND outside). You will be OK; you will survive this; you will find happiness again. Your sweet Dylan must be so proud of his courageous Mommy ;)

I will also keep Chad in my prayers as I am sure he is going through a tough time right now as well. Losing a child changes you forever : (

Thinking of you and praying for you,

Elizabeth

PS - Thank you for sharing your journey with us!

lizzybit said...

Nicole~
I am so sorry for everything that you are going through. I know the pain of divorce and how difficult it is to not only lose your husband but also extended family and friends. Know that our friendship will not be lost, Niel, the boys, and I are all here for you; anytime! You have had so much heartache in the past year, it breaks my heart to think of you going through more. We love you and we will be praying you find strength and peace. I also wanted to thank you for the kindness you have showed to us through our difficult time, your kindness has went above and beyond and we appreciate it every much.I am sorry for everything that you are going through but I know you will make it through this and be even stronger in the end. Sending prayers, hugs, and love, Abbie

thekuiperskrew said...

Nicole,

I am so sorry to hear this. It makes everything that I talk about with you guys seem so trivial. Please know that you are truly in my thoughts and prayers. You are an extremely strong women and you have endured more than most people endure in a life time. Praying for you!

Rebecca Kuipers

Anonymous said...

prayers coming your way Nicole, God can and will get you through this. lots of love.

Amanda said...

My heart just sank when I read this...I am so, so, so sorry.
Remember that you are loved and prayed for by so many people...

Sara said...

Nicole,
Oh that makes me so sad for you. My heart hurts for this new hurt you are experiencing because I know this hurt is also upon your hurt of losing Dylan. I will be in prayer for you over the next few months as you head toward the 1 year birthday of your son. We are anticipating one year of our son being with Jesus this month on the 29th and I know it is so hard.

You are an amazing woman... so strong and courageous. Keep leaning on the Father... He will sustain you through it all, it may not be easy at all, but He promises to never leave us.

Praying for you!
Sara

Anonymous said...

Long time follower, and just had to say that my heart hurts for you. You have been through so much it just doesn't seem fair. It probably doesn't help, but remember that God doesn't give us more than he knows we can handle. God knows you are a strong person!!

Becky said...

Nicole, I was so sad when I read this. It really was the last thing I was expecting to read. I'm so glad though that your Pastor has given you good advice. When my Mum divorced many years ago now (before any of her children were born) she was not given this same advice and acceptance by the church, and that makes me sad. I have read many things both in the bible and studies of the bible about divorce and it is my understanding that a marriage is required not to just be faithful but also peaceful. And without this there is just cause to end the marriage. For my Mum it was the loss of a child (early-ish on in the pregnancy) that resulted in the divorce and I don't believe that the church should have been against this. Anyway, it's between you and God and he's always going to be with you, especially when things are hard.

Anonymous said...
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Val said...

oh Nicole, I am so sorry. I did not think that was what I was going to be reading! I dont know what to say except that I will pray for you. For the strength you need to get through another trial!

Bren said...

Nicole, I am so very sorry :)

I am a Christian as well, and I think that sometimes there is really only so much you can do to keep a marriage together. I am glad that you feel you are forgiven - I believe you are right!

Terri said...

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Rest in His strength. He will uphold you! Christ is the one and only answer.

You are being prayed for in MT!

Anonymous said...
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Corie said...

No words would be sufficent! I am just so sorry! I will be praying for you. My heart is breaking for you.

Anonymous said...

I have been a follower of yours for a very long time. You are a wonderful person and I have a great deal of respect for you and Chad for what you have walked thru. That being said I have to say that I'm shocked that not one of your readers suggested to you to try and work things out. I have been married for 25 years and I'm 46 years old. We have had many rocky times and work thru each one as they came at us. You have such faith and a postitive additude. Maybe you two should consider counseling to work this out. You both seem to love each other a great deal. God threw you a curve ball. You need to work on dealing with the greif and get on with your lifes. Have some fun and relax. You are both young and beautiful and should not be carring such weight on your shoulders. Take a breath and let it go.

RN Mama said...

Wow. I am speechless. I never expected to read this, no one should have to go through so much in one year. You are such a strong and beautiful woman, I know you will become an even better person because of this. I hope you are still continuing to pursue your dreams of becoming a nurse. You have so much to give:) Many hugs and prayers!

Inkling said...

Is it okay to pray that this won't happen? That somehow God will fix it? Oh my goodness, I am so sorry for the pain you are enduring. Our world is not as it should be, and I for one am ready for Jesus to just come back already. My heart just aches for you this morning.

Stephanie said...

Praying for you, Chad, and your families.

Your amazing attitude and strong faith in God will get you through this difficult journey.

Anonymous said...

Tonight I am praying for you...

Michelle

Suesan said...

Long time stalker as well, you asked and He has forgiven. There will be ups and downs, just try to always turn to Him. Thank you for sharing your trials. Praying for peace and comfort for you!

loveandlearn said...

I too am commenting for the first time. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with yet another loss in your life. I just want to tell you that you are truly an inspirational woman! Your strength and faithfulness to God is incredible! You are a testimony of love and compassion, and I pray that God has amazing things in store for you, and that you will be greatly blessed!

Nikki said...

Nicole - you're blog continues to inspire me. Even through yet another hard season, you can see the light and are a ray of sunshine in it all. I'm so sorry you are going through all this and know I'm praying for you. Wish I could come see you and your smiling face at the office but know I'm praying for you and thinking of you.

Julie said...

Also a long-time reader, and I'm not sure if I've ever posted.
Sending you so much peace and comfort.
I have been down the divorce path. Sometimes the wheels fall off the bus. Take good care of yourself. Reach out, you have so many friends who care about you.
much love,
Julie

Anonymous said...

Nicole I can't stop thinking about your situation. I had to go back and reread your older postings. I feel so much love between you and Chad, in your writng. You two just went thru the worst time in your lives. Can you remember what attracted you to each other? If it is Chad calling it quits and your still in love with him, then fight for him. Give it all you have and show him that you love him. I can't believe that you just fell out of love with each other. Maybe he feels consumed by the death of Dylan. This should bring you closer to each other. Not break you up. Reach out to him and fight. Don't give up. There is still love there I can feel it.

Tiffany said...

I am so sorry. I will be praying for you.

Kim said...

Hey Nicole,
Just stopping by to say that I'm thinking of you and praying for you...thinking of the lyrics from "tunnel" by third day. Check it out; it's what I listen to when I can't even imagine the light at the end of the tunnel!
You are so loved.

Anonymous said...

I am a long time readers...and I have to say.....I think you are being tested...for what I don't know..but being tested. Great things are in store for you.

As for the impending divorce. I have a lot to say, but will refrain for it is not positive towards your soon to be ex husband. Some things are better left unsaid. :( I am sorry this has happened to you...you deserve so much more, and I think after your divorce, you will find it. So rather than spew negative things about Chad, I will say that I believe this must be a good thing for you, in the end....that much is evident. So for that, be thankful. Onward and Upward from here for you.

You and your precious son are in my thoughts.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry I didn't comment on this sooner.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you.

This will be hard, but I know you will be able to get through this.

You outlook on this is amazing, you are a strong woman and their will be happiness once again.

Clarisa said...

I am new to your blog, and just got through reading it from the beginning. Through out the whole blog I thought countless times "Her faith is strong, I wish mine was strong". You are a true inspiration! I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. {Hugs}

Anonymous said...

I was shocked to read this, and also shocked that so many people have supported the idea of divorce. My husband and I have lost two children, and I can tell you that there were many, many times that it would have been easier to get out of the marriage to escape the sadness, but I am so glad that we didn't. Of course Chad is going to think that he will be happier away from the reminders of his son, but that's just what he THINKS. Chad is the only person in the whole world who will ever understand your pain- Dylan was his son too. Why would you want to seperate yourself from the one person you share love for Dylan with the most? Do you really want Dylan's legacy to be that his death tore your marriage apart? I would fight for his legacy to be that his death made your bond stronger!

Amy said...

another faithful reader that leaves few comments...but I had to tell you that I will be praying for you. You hang in there sweet girl.

Amy

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear this, Nicole. I had no idea about this until reading your blog today. I will have you in my prayers as well as Chad. I don't know the details, but I can guess the biggest problem is similar to what I have shared with you in the past about the beginning of my marriage. If that is correct, then your pastor is right in what he told you. I am sure he gave you the Scripture references to support it. I love you and I do have a listening ear! Call me...or better yet, come on out! =Aunt Diane

Jamie said...

Nicole,

I am so sorry! I will be praying for you! You are a woman of incredible faith, so I have no doubt that you will get through this and that you know that God has something AMAZING planned for you, even if it is hard to see it right now! I will continue to pray for you through the days ahead. May you recieve God's grace and peace everyday!

Aimee Freeman said...

Hello Nicole. My name is Aimee Freeman. I had a daughter to enter Heaven in May. My husband, Adam did an amazing blog throughout Kayleigh's life. www.KayleighAnneFreeman.blogspot.com. We too were facing divorce after K passed away. Adam moved out & went 3 1/2 hours away. He was 100% finished. We have since found our way back to each other & we are stronger than ever. I just started a new blog tonight that you may be interested in. One of your followers emailed me to reach out to you. I feel like this is God's doing. Check it out & let me know how I can help. www.WomensMarriageMinistry.blogspot.com.