Below is a combined list of helpful hints that have helped me continue the journey through my grief. In many cases, the suggestions help in any sort of grief, whether it's grief from losing a child or a husband. If you personally have never experienced a loss of a child or a husband, consider yourself blessed. Very blessed.
1. Get out of bed every day, even if on certain days it's only to take a shower.
2. Continue on to your normal routine of things as soon as you're able. At first, your smile and "joy" will be fake, but over time, you'll realize you're actually happy again.
3. Fill some of your time with helping others. After all, "it is more blessed to give, than to receive". God will be generous with His Peace when you do. Funny thing about helping others, it takes the focus off yourself, and your own problems.
4. Cry when you feel like crying.
5. Pray. Pray often.
6. When your friends call to get you out of the house, take 'em up on their offer. Chances are, you'll have fun.
7. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you're feeling. The longer you bottle up the emotions, the longer the grieving process will be for you. Just know that your feelings are temporary. They don't predict the future.
8. Exercise, especially when you don't feel like it. It gets the endorphins pumpin' and promotes a healthy self-image.
9. Forgive those you need to forgive for not "being there" for you in ways you'd expect them to be. Chances are, they're just uncomfortable with the emotions grief brings about. It would be unlikely that their coldness would be a personal attack against you. Forgiving them, just allows you to move on ahead to bigger and better things.
10. And, finally, believe that the best is yet to come. Be thankful for what you've been given, and anticipate the even better things God has coming for you.
There you have it. Lessons from a girl that hasn't been defeated by her grief.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
The Dylan Diaries
Yes, I have a journal. I wrote a handful of entries this time last year, so I wouldn't forget any details of Dylan's sweet, short life, in or out of the womb.
In all honesty, which is what I aim for, these past few days have been hard. I have been leery to discuss them on here, as I know Chad and his family are still reading this blog. Not that it makes much difference who reads the ramblings of a grieving mom and wife, but we do have a legal case on our hands now. Unfortunately, it has become Team Chad or Team Nicole. But, I'm still going to be honest with my feelings. That's a part of me that will never change. After all, there are no guarantees in life, and sometimes it's just plain hard.
I have just recently gone back to grieving my son after being distracted with other forms of grief these last couple of months. When I think about this time last year, I tear up. It was an uncertain, yet peaceful time. I was excited anticipating the time when I could finally kiss and touch the baby that was growing inside me. But, scared that he might not get to see my face in return. Then my mind wanders to the fact that I am now travelling this road alone.
Chad and I are not on speaking terms. I miss the Chad that was at my side the day of our son's birth. I miss the Chad that knew exactly what I needed, before even saying it, on the day that we buried our son. I miss the Chad that was true to himself and those around him. I just plain hate remembering how much Chad, Dylan, and I felt like a family when I am reminded that instead of celebrating my son's first birthday with cake, ice cream, and a chubby baby in diapers, with his dad by my side...I will be visiting a cemetery alone. Instead of having fond, loving memories when I think about the day I met my firstborn, I am reminded of all that I don't have. And, that's almost too many layers of grief for me to handle.
NOVEMBER 9, 2008
"Dearest Dylan,
Last night you got to hear Reba & Kelly Clarkson! I think you liked their music, you moved around a bit!
This morning Dad & I slept in. We woke up to the first snowfall for the season! It wasn't enough where Dad has to go to work, but it's pretty!
We went to Grandma and Grandpa Wynsma's for lunch today. Grandma made burritos. I couldn't eat all of mine. Dad told me to eat up to make sure you were full. :) I told him, you were. I love it when he talks to you or about you. I can't wait for you to finally meet each other! He loves you so much baby boy!
Today is exactly 2 months til your due date. Time has gone by fast! I love getting to feel you & give you taps throughout the day. I'm so proud of you Dylan! You are a fighter! And you're strong! I look forward to seeing your sweet lips & nose in person. But until then, I'll try to show you all that I can. Sleep tight.
Love, Mommy"
I know I am just beginning a whole 'nother grief cycle, and that this is all "normal". It doesn't make it any less difficult, though.
I would absolutely covet your prayers to enable me to face the month of December with courage, dignity, and grace.
Blessings to you all.
In all honesty, which is what I aim for, these past few days have been hard. I have been leery to discuss them on here, as I know Chad and his family are still reading this blog. Not that it makes much difference who reads the ramblings of a grieving mom and wife, but we do have a legal case on our hands now. Unfortunately, it has become Team Chad or Team Nicole. But, I'm still going to be honest with my feelings. That's a part of me that will never change. After all, there are no guarantees in life, and sometimes it's just plain hard.
I have just recently gone back to grieving my son after being distracted with other forms of grief these last couple of months. When I think about this time last year, I tear up. It was an uncertain, yet peaceful time. I was excited anticipating the time when I could finally kiss and touch the baby that was growing inside me. But, scared that he might not get to see my face in return. Then my mind wanders to the fact that I am now travelling this road alone.
Chad and I are not on speaking terms. I miss the Chad that was at my side the day of our son's birth. I miss the Chad that knew exactly what I needed, before even saying it, on the day that we buried our son. I miss the Chad that was true to himself and those around him. I just plain hate remembering how much Chad, Dylan, and I felt like a family when I am reminded that instead of celebrating my son's first birthday with cake, ice cream, and a chubby baby in diapers, with his dad by my side...I will be visiting a cemetery alone. Instead of having fond, loving memories when I think about the day I met my firstborn, I am reminded of all that I don't have. And, that's almost too many layers of grief for me to handle.
NOVEMBER 9, 2008
"Dearest Dylan,
Last night you got to hear Reba & Kelly Clarkson! I think you liked their music, you moved around a bit!
This morning Dad & I slept in. We woke up to the first snowfall for the season! It wasn't enough where Dad has to go to work, but it's pretty!
We went to Grandma and Grandpa Wynsma's for lunch today. Grandma made burritos. I couldn't eat all of mine. Dad told me to eat up to make sure you were full. :) I told him, you were. I love it when he talks to you or about you. I can't wait for you to finally meet each other! He loves you so much baby boy!
Today is exactly 2 months til your due date. Time has gone by fast! I love getting to feel you & give you taps throughout the day. I'm so proud of you Dylan! You are a fighter! And you're strong! I look forward to seeing your sweet lips & nose in person. But until then, I'll try to show you all that I can. Sleep tight.
Love, Mommy"
I know I am just beginning a whole 'nother grief cycle, and that this is all "normal". It doesn't make it any less difficult, though.
I would absolutely covet your prayers to enable me to face the month of December with courage, dignity, and grace.
Blessings to you all.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
In the Small Things.
Where is God when you lose your son? Where is God when your husband asks to no longer be a part of your five month marriage?
Well, God is everywhere, but He is especially involved with the small things. And, I love finding Him there.
Don't you think it's time for a symbol post?(I need a more creative title, I think) For those of you that are new to my blog, I love finding little signs along my life's journey that God leaves to show He is here. And He is here. He's especially made Himself known to me during these last 7 weeks that I have been separated from my husband. There have been so many encounters, opportunities, and special people He's brought into my life these last 7 weeks. I will tell you about one of them, for there are too many to share them all.
First, a little background information.
Near the time of Dylan's birth, last December, one of my best friends Julie offered to make a slide show of Dylan's pictures and videos. She had asked me what song made me think of Dylan. I had said, "There Will Be a Day" by Jeremy Camp. So, she used it. Julie created a beautiful DVD, opening with video footage of Dylan cooing, and moving into that song playing with pictures. As you could imagine, Chad and I have watched the movie countless times over the last 10 months. And, as you also could imagine, hearing that song makes both Chad and I think of Dylan. It's definitely his song.
It's also worth noting, that I check in patients at an OB-GYN office 4 days a week. I would estimate that I personally check in around 50-60 patients per day. Of those estimated 50-60 patients, there is always at least one that has the same birthday as Dylan: 12-28, every day I work. Anyone know the statistics of that?
On to the story of God making His Presence known...
With newly acquired free time on my hands, I have been doing a lot of reading. One night last week, I had finished a book. Like, finished it. The End. I close the book, and on the radio, "There Will Be a Day" began to play. My heart stops every time I hear that song. I looked over at the clock. Can you guess what time it was? 12:28 AM.
The flood gates opened.
I couldn't fabricate this story if I tried. It was only 12:28 AM for me. I set my clock 15 mins ahead because I'm well, not a morning person. So technically it was 12:13 AM for everyone else. But...in my world...it was 12:28, I totally finished a book, and at that same instant, Dylan's song came on the radio.
I know God is with me. I know outwardly it looks like my world has caved in around me. I know that my God isn't finished with me yet. I know my God works everything for my good. And, I sleep well knowing that He is in control.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."Romans 8:28
"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."Romans 5:5
Well, God is everywhere, but He is especially involved with the small things. And, I love finding Him there.
Don't you think it's time for a symbol post?(I need a more creative title, I think) For those of you that are new to my blog, I love finding little signs along my life's journey that God leaves to show He is here. And He is here. He's especially made Himself known to me during these last 7 weeks that I have been separated from my husband. There have been so many encounters, opportunities, and special people He's brought into my life these last 7 weeks. I will tell you about one of them, for there are too many to share them all.
First, a little background information.
Near the time of Dylan's birth, last December, one of my best friends Julie offered to make a slide show of Dylan's pictures and videos. She had asked me what song made me think of Dylan. I had said, "There Will Be a Day" by Jeremy Camp. So, she used it. Julie created a beautiful DVD, opening with video footage of Dylan cooing, and moving into that song playing with pictures. As you could imagine, Chad and I have watched the movie countless times over the last 10 months. And, as you also could imagine, hearing that song makes both Chad and I think of Dylan. It's definitely his song.
It's also worth noting, that I check in patients at an OB-GYN office 4 days a week. I would estimate that I personally check in around 50-60 patients per day. Of those estimated 50-60 patients, there is always at least one that has the same birthday as Dylan: 12-28, every day I work. Anyone know the statistics of that?
On to the story of God making His Presence known...
With newly acquired free time on my hands, I have been doing a lot of reading. One night last week, I had finished a book. Like, finished it. The End. I close the book, and on the radio, "There Will Be a Day" began to play. My heart stops every time I hear that song. I looked over at the clock. Can you guess what time it was? 12:28 AM.
The flood gates opened.
I couldn't fabricate this story if I tried. It was only 12:28 AM for me. I set my clock 15 mins ahead because I'm well, not a morning person. So technically it was 12:13 AM for everyone else. But...in my world...it was 12:28, I totally finished a book, and at that same instant, Dylan's song came on the radio.
I know God is with me. I know outwardly it looks like my world has caved in around me. I know that my God isn't finished with me yet. I know my God works everything for my good. And, I sleep well knowing that He is in control.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."Romans 8:28
"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."Romans 5:5
Sunday, November 1, 2009
A Walk to Remember
On Saturday, October 3 my family and others that love Dylan attended the Walk to Remember. As many of you know, October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. The walk was put on by a local non-profit organization. But the gift it gives to families that have experienced a loss due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death is immeasurable. It allowed us to take the steps that our babies never will. The opportunity to physically be recognized, and act as Dylan's Mom is something that can never be given a price tag. I am so appreciative to all those that showed up to show their love to Dylan. I know for some, it is uncomfortable and undesirable to purposefully put yourself in situations where painful emotions will be discussed, but your presence there that day will never be forgotten by me.
Not only was the walk a time for me to be seen as Dylan's Mommy, but I was able to connect with friends I've met through this blog, support groups, and even patients that have lost babies in the OB office I work at. It was a display of a community rallying around to show love for others. It was a very special and peaceful day for me. Thank you to those that showed their support.
"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance..."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
Not only was the walk a time for me to be seen as Dylan's Mommy, but I was able to connect with friends I've met through this blog, support groups, and even patients that have lost babies in the OB office I work at. It was a display of a community rallying around to show love for others. It was a very special and peaceful day for me. Thank you to those that showed their support.
"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance..."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Closing of a Door.
First off, I will acknowledge the big, huge elephant in the room, and take a minute to thank you all for your heartfelt honesty, and support. Yes, I have deleted some comments. As I have stated, I will not drag Chad's name through the mud. I value honesty in myself and even more in others. Even if your comment wasn't posted, I thank you. I will not entertain comments where I have to defend myself though. After all, it is my blog.
If you are a long time reader, you know what my stance is on divorce, and as you could imagine, this is not, has not, and will not be an easy decision for me. Only God, Chad, and I know the true details of what has caused the dissolution of this marriage, and I'm ok with that. My goals right now are to move forward in my life. In order to have a future, I have to let go of the past, and that's what I intend to do.
This blog was started as a way to share the story of a little boy who was diagnosed with an incompatible with life diagnosis. It was a way to share our ups and downs of carrying him to term, and living life without him. Many of our friends and family were able to keep updated through this blog. I want to keep my stories real and honest. But I have every intention of keeping the stories on topic of my son, or at least life without him, and not on the loss of my husband.
Life does go on without your baby. As the days increase, they become infused with more and more hope. The fog of grief and heartache lifts, and the load grows easier to bear.
This story started out with a girl who chose to give her son life. A girl who dreamed of a lifelong relationship with her son's dad. This story has become one of a girl who has nothing apart from Christ. God has opened doors and closed doors. And, no matter what happens, He is good.
I know difficult days lie ahead of me, as there is not much positive surrounding a divorce. I do not desire to write much more on the topic however. I look forward to the day when the fog will lift yet again.
May you all receive blessings for the many ways you have blessed me.
If you are a long time reader, you know what my stance is on divorce, and as you could imagine, this is not, has not, and will not be an easy decision for me. Only God, Chad, and I know the true details of what has caused the dissolution of this marriage, and I'm ok with that. My goals right now are to move forward in my life. In order to have a future, I have to let go of the past, and that's what I intend to do.
This blog was started as a way to share the story of a little boy who was diagnosed with an incompatible with life diagnosis. It was a way to share our ups and downs of carrying him to term, and living life without him. Many of our friends and family were able to keep updated through this blog. I want to keep my stories real and honest. But I have every intention of keeping the stories on topic of my son, or at least life without him, and not on the loss of my husband.
Life does go on without your baby. As the days increase, they become infused with more and more hope. The fog of grief and heartache lifts, and the load grows easier to bear.
This story started out with a girl who chose to give her son life. A girl who dreamed of a lifelong relationship with her son's dad. This story has become one of a girl who has nothing apart from Christ. God has opened doors and closed doors. And, no matter what happens, He is good.
I know difficult days lie ahead of me, as there is not much positive surrounding a divorce. I do not desire to write much more on the topic however. I look forward to the day when the fog will lift yet again.
May you all receive blessings for the many ways you have blessed me.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
DIVORCE.
Divorce. A word that I have never ever, ever wanted to be included with the story of my life. I believe that divorce is a sin. An action that falls short of the standards that God has set for us to follow. Just as any sin is. I believe God forgives our sins. I believe Jesus' Blood covers a multitude of sins, including divorce. With that said, I will give you a minute to scoop your jaw off of the floor...
Four weeks ago, I moved in with my parents.
Chad has asked to no longer be a part of this marriage. The reasons I was given: "This isn't fun anymore". "I don't want to be this miserable the rest of my life".
Since being separated, choices have been made. I have exhausted all my efforts. I have met with the Pastor. He says, biblically speaking, it is acceptable for me to walk away from this marriage.
Those are all the details I will give publicly. I will not drag Chad's name through the mud.
I will not hold onto bitterness, anger, resentment, or vengeance.
I have asked God for His forgiveness for the responsibilities I had in this ending in a divorce. I believe I am forgiven.
I have asked Chad for his forgiveness for the responsibilities I had in this ending in divorce.
I have forgiven myself for the responsibilities I had in this marriage ending in divorce.
I have forgiven Chad for the responsibilities he had in this marriage ending in divorce.
It isn't final yet. There have been no papers signed. But, the facts are evident.
I do not want war. I think of this as a truce. I want not to hold onto the bitterness that is so easy to feel right now. With each day, the resentment, the regret, and pity has faded little by little.
I wish nothing but the best for Chad and all of his family. Dylan will always bind us all. And, for that, I am grateful.
God is the Alpha and the Omega. The beginning and the end. I know He delights in overcoming evil with good. And, I know that He will.
Man in his or her weakness cannot always live up to God's ideal.
God, I know that divorce is wrong. I know it was not Your ideal for me. God, I confess to You my weaknesses and human failing that contributed knowingly and unknowingly to my divorce. God, I ask Your forgiveness for my divorce. Help me to know and experience Your love through forgiveness. Lead me to new growth and new beginnings in my life. Thank You Lord! Amen.
To all of our friends and family that have personally made sacrifices towards our wedding, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I am so appreciative, and so grateful for the support and love that Chad and I received during the loss of our son, and for the day that we became man and wife. THANK YOU.
And if you feel so inclined, I would absolutely covet your prayers during this, yet another season of grief. As birthdays and holidays approach these next couple of months, I know it won't be easy. But through Christ, I know I can do anything. I know the Peace that passes all understanding carried me through losing my child, and will yet again, carry me through losing my husband.
I will not go through this divorce, but I will grow through this divorce.
Four weeks ago, I moved in with my parents.
Chad has asked to no longer be a part of this marriage. The reasons I was given: "This isn't fun anymore". "I don't want to be this miserable the rest of my life".
Since being separated, choices have been made. I have exhausted all my efforts. I have met with the Pastor. He says, biblically speaking, it is acceptable for me to walk away from this marriage.
Those are all the details I will give publicly. I will not drag Chad's name through the mud.
I will not hold onto bitterness, anger, resentment, or vengeance.
I have asked God for His forgiveness for the responsibilities I had in this ending in a divorce. I believe I am forgiven.
I have asked Chad for his forgiveness for the responsibilities I had in this ending in divorce.
I have forgiven myself for the responsibilities I had in this marriage ending in divorce.
I have forgiven Chad for the responsibilities he had in this marriage ending in divorce.
It isn't final yet. There have been no papers signed. But, the facts are evident.
I do not want war. I think of this as a truce. I want not to hold onto the bitterness that is so easy to feel right now. With each day, the resentment, the regret, and pity has faded little by little.
I wish nothing but the best for Chad and all of his family. Dylan will always bind us all. And, for that, I am grateful.
God is the Alpha and the Omega. The beginning and the end. I know He delights in overcoming evil with good. And, I know that He will.
Man in his or her weakness cannot always live up to God's ideal.
God, I know that divorce is wrong. I know it was not Your ideal for me. God, I confess to You my weaknesses and human failing that contributed knowingly and unknowingly to my divorce. God, I ask Your forgiveness for my divorce. Help me to know and experience Your love through forgiveness. Lead me to new growth and new beginnings in my life. Thank You Lord! Amen.
To all of our friends and family that have personally made sacrifices towards our wedding, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I am so appreciative, and so grateful for the support and love that Chad and I received during the loss of our son, and for the day that we became man and wife. THANK YOU.
And if you feel so inclined, I would absolutely covet your prayers during this, yet another season of grief. As birthdays and holidays approach these next couple of months, I know it won't be easy. But through Christ, I know I can do anything. I know the Peace that passes all understanding carried me through losing my child, and will yet again, carry me through losing my husband.
I will not go through this divorce, but I will grow through this divorce.
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