Dylan's Great-Grandma

Margaret Ilene Bronson was born on July 27, 1936. She passed away this morning from natural causes in the comfort of her own home.

Sadly, I'm ashamed to say that the last time I personally saw her was 7 and a half months ago at THE EVENT, as I lovingly refer to it these days, or mine and Chad's wedding, as others think of it.

My Grandma was a God fearing woman, and I have no doubt that I will see her again one day. She had a servant's heart, and would do anything for anyone else. She adored her family and friends, and loved to keep updated on them all.

Grandma loved family pictures, and would write full details on the back of each picture she took.

My fondest memory of her is when we used to make her famous cinnamon rolls together in her kitchen, back when I was a little girl. She made some of my favorite dishes. Her lasagna, mint chocolate chip pie, and popcorn balls are my favorite holiday past-times.

Dylan was her only Great-Grandchild.

I thank God that victory over the grave has already been won.

We will miss you Grandma!

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Amazing Grace. One of her favorite songs.



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Another Year Older

This week I have turned another year older. Much has happened this past year, and none of it I regret...


I had been part of a new family and waited in great anticipation to meet our son:



I gave birth to a baby boy. I loved him his entire life. All he knew was love:



I became a wife:





I have laughed:







I have loved:



I have been blessed with amazing opportunities and places to travel:











I have been blessed and surrounded by some pretty incredible friends, err...sisters. I'm not sure where I would be without them:








God has sustained me and allowed me to survive some pretty terrible storms in my life. But, He's made Himself known in them all. He's shown His great shield of protection and love. And even helped me to laugh and find joy while in the depths of the valley:



I don't know what awaits me this next year of my life. But judging by how much love, laughter, and joy I've had this year, I am on the edge of my seat waiting with great excitement and anticipation to see the many things God has in store for me this next year! I am blessed beyond belief. And, am grateful to Him for it ALL. No matter what happens.

Letters to Chad

Chad has recently taken up the hobby of reading my blog. I had asked him in the past if he ever wanted to write a post, as I was sure my readers would want to hear what it was like to be a grieving daddy. He had always declined. Until now. Now, he feels I don't share with you how hard our life was. That I don't share the struggles we faced as a grieving couple.

While I believe the gruesome details of our bereavement should be left private, as this is now a legal matter, I would still love for Chad to have the opportunity to hear directly from you, with his very own comment section.

I respect that everyone grieves differently. I also respect that Chad has lost just as much as I did last December 28. Maybe hearing other people's opinions, besides my own, would help him in his grieving process.

So, dear readers, knowing that he now reads my blog and it's comments, how do you feel about sharing the same love with him, that you all share with me?

What is it that you would tell a grieving daddy? What is "normal" from your experience? Did you ever fight with your spouse because you grieved differently? Did you ever try to heal your pain from other forms of relief apart from God? How did that end up? Did you ever push your spouse as far away as possible in hopes of ending the pain of losing your child?

How about just because there were new adjustments to make since being married? Do you have any stories from your newlywed days? Were they all fun and laughs? Or does every couple have struggles? What is it that made your marriage succeed? Is it because you married a "perfect" person? Or loved, accepted, and committed to one another? Is it because your marriage is fun all the time? Or have you succeeded because you sacrificially love one another?

Hearing advice from me is out of the question, and has been for a long time.

So, blessed, beloved, blog readers...this may be your one shot at having an impact moment with Chad...I ask that you give him advice and shared experience out of love and compassion from your heart. This would even be a great time for blog "lurkers" to leave a first time comment, especially if you know him personally.

Chad,

The journey through grief is long, challenging, and painful. It is only when one can be honest with one's self, that true healing can begin. May my readers share as much love, honesty, and raw details of their struggles, with you, as they have with me. May you find comfort in knowing you're not alone.

Blessings to you, My Husband, and Daddy to our son Dylan.

Sword of the Spirit

Another tactic in my surviving grief has been to of course read my Bible, but also to write the verses that stick out the most to me on 3 x 5 note cards. I carry them with me everyday. I fight off depression, worry, fear, and many other negative emotions with the Truth. When grieving, you become incredibly vulnerable to superficial forms of relief from the pain that burdens you after your loss. But only one God will satisfy you, or grant you the Peace that you're looking for.

"Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
Ephesians 6:17

These are a few from my personal collection of note cards:

"Do not say, "I'll pay you back for this wrong!" Wait for the Lord, and He will deliver you". Proverbs 20:22

"The mouth of an adulteress is a deep pit; he who is under the Lord's wrath will fall into it." Proverbs 22:14

"The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out." Proverbs 10:9

"When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever." Proverbs 10:25

"Blessed is the man who always fears the Lord, but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble." Proverbs 28:14

"He is my loving God and my Fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield, in whom I take refuge, who subdues peoples under me." Psalm 144:2

"Say to those with fearful hearts, "Be strong, do not fear; Your God will come, He will come with vengeance, with divine retribution He will come to save you." Isaiah 35:4

"You give me Your shield of victory, and Your right hand sustains me; You stoop down to make me great." Psalm 18:35

"But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?" 1 Cor 7:15-16

Am I perfect? Nowhere near perfection. But, I know to Whom I belong.

Survival 101

Below is a combined list of helpful hints that have helped me continue the journey through my grief. In many cases, the suggestions help in any sort of grief, whether it's grief from losing a child or a husband. If you personally have never experienced a loss of a child or a husband, consider yourself blessed. Very blessed.

1. Get out of bed every day, even if on certain days it's only to take a shower.

2. Continue on to your normal routine of things as soon as you're able. At first, your smile and "joy" will be fake, but over time, you'll realize you're actually happy again.

3. Fill some of your time with helping others. After all, "it is more blessed to give, than to receive". God will be generous with His Peace when you do. Funny thing about helping others, it takes the focus off yourself, and your own problems.

4. Cry when you feel like crying.

5. Pray. Pray often.

6. When your friends call to get you out of the house, take 'em up on their offer. Chances are, you'll have fun.

7. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you're feeling. The longer you bottle up the emotions, the longer the grieving process will be for you. Just know that your feelings are temporary. They don't predict the future.

8. Exercise, especially when you don't feel like it. It gets the endorphins pumpin' and promotes a healthy self-image.

9. Forgive those you need to forgive for not "being there" for you in ways you'd expect them to be. Chances are, they're just uncomfortable with the emotions grief brings about. It would be unlikely that their coldness would be a personal attack against you. Forgiving them, just allows you to move on ahead to bigger and better things.

10. And, finally, believe that the best is yet to come. Be thankful for what you've been given, and anticipate the even better things God has coming for you.

There you have it. Lessons from a girl that hasn't been defeated by her grief.

The Dylan Diaries

Yes, I have a journal. I wrote a handful of entries this time last year, so I wouldn't forget any details of Dylan's sweet, short life, in or out of the womb.

In all honesty, which is what I aim for, these past few days have been hard. I have been leery to discuss them on here, as I know Chad and his family are still reading this blog. Not that it makes much difference who reads the ramblings of a grieving mom and wife, but we do have a legal case on our hands now. Unfortunately, it has become Team Chad or Team Nicole. But, I'm still going to be honest with my feelings. That's a part of me that will never change. After all, there are no guarantees in life, and sometimes it's just plain hard.

I have just recently gone back to grieving my son after being distracted with other forms of grief these last couple of months. When I think about this time last year, I tear up. It was an uncertain, yet peaceful time. I was excited anticipating the time when I could finally kiss and touch the baby that was growing inside me. But, scared that he might not get to see my face in return. Then my mind wanders to the fact that I am now travelling this road alone.

Chad and I are not on speaking terms. I miss the Chad that was at my side the day of our son's birth. I miss the Chad that knew exactly what I needed, before even saying it, on the day that we buried our son. I miss the Chad that was true to himself and those around him. I just plain hate remembering how much Chad, Dylan, and I felt like a family when I am reminded that instead of celebrating my son's first birthday with cake, ice cream, and a chubby baby in diapers, with his dad by my side...I will be visiting a cemetery alone. Instead of having fond, loving memories when I think about the day I met my firstborn, I am reminded of all that I don't have. And, that's almost too many layers of grief for me to handle.

NOVEMBER 9, 2008

"Dearest Dylan,

Last night you got to hear Reba & Kelly Clarkson! I think you liked their music, you moved around a bit!

This morning Dad & I slept in. We woke up to the first snowfall for the season! It wasn't enough where Dad has to go to work, but it's pretty!

We went to Grandma and Grandpa Wynsma's for lunch today. Grandma made burritos. I couldn't eat all of mine. Dad told me to eat up to make sure you were full. :) I told him, you were. I love it when he talks to you or about you. I can't wait for you to finally meet each other! He loves you so much baby boy!

Today is exactly 2 months til your due date. Time has gone by fast! I love getting to feel you & give you taps throughout the day. I'm so proud of you Dylan! You are a fighter! And you're strong! I look forward to seeing your sweet lips & nose in person. But until then, I'll try to show you all that I can. Sleep tight.

Love, Mommy"

I know I am just beginning a whole 'nother grief cycle, and that this is all "normal". It doesn't make it any less difficult, though.

I would absolutely covet your prayers to enable me to face the month of December with courage, dignity, and grace.

Blessings to you all.